A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Should I be concerned? Two weeks ago we were at a friends house. My wife had been out boating and drinking during the day while I was working. That evening we went to our friend's house and joined 3 other couples for evening cocktails by the outdoor fire. My wife began massaging my friend's neck and shoulders as he sat in a chair. She stood behind him and rubbed his chest, neck, shoulders and temples. She leaned forward and kissed him a couple times on the lips and slid her hand down his chest and stomach and lower and stroked him. His wife was there - but I am not sure she saw what was going on as it was dark. My wife repeated the action a couple times. I was upset but they are all very good friends and mild flirting has occured in the past - so I chose not to say anything at the time. The next morning I confronted my wife and asked her if she had ever seen me stroke another woman like that, in front of her. I told her that what she did was very upsetting and that it really bothered me. I asked her if she was having an affair with my friend. At first she said she did't remember doing it - then said she was drunk and meant nothing by it. I told her that it was very upsetting especially since my friend did not try to stop her fondling. She had also hugged and rubbed herself on a different friend, in a standing position that same evening. He backpedaled to the point that the other friends joked - "don't knock him off the porch." I am not the jealous type. We have been married for 25 years. We are both very fit and attractive people - my wife looks like a 30 year old in her bikinni. I told her that if someone tried to stroke me like that - even jokingly - that my 1st reaction would be to 'grab their wrist' laugh it off but let that person know that's just not appropriate and backpeddle like my other friend who almost fell off the porch. She assured me there was nothing going on and that she loved me. I told her that I would have to take some time to deal mentally with her actions. I was mad and upset for a few days but had decided to 'let it go'. A couple days later my wife then became angered that I would question her about the situation. I spoke with my friend who was stroked. I told him that my wife was mad at me for telling her the things that disturbed me. He assured me that it was harmless and nothing was meant by it. We had a local camping trip scheduled with the same group of friends but I decided best to miss that and take my daughter out of town elsewhere. My wife would not be able to go with my daughter and I as she had work conflict. She asked how I felt about her joining the campers while I was away for 1 evening. I told her that would make me uncomfortable. Her reply was, "wrong answer - you dont trust me. You are telling me I cant join our friends camping". A week later she informs me that she is ^^^^d at me, that I questioned her fidelity and suggested we go to marriage counseling.Should I be concerned - is counseling needed? What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2021): This is really a problem because, not only did your wife say she didn't remember it and later admitted that it happened because of alcohol. She knew exactly what she was doing and with her rubbing his chest and stomach and also, kissing him on the lips. I would be willing to bet that there is more going on behind your back. As long as the 2 of you have been married, I can promise that your sex life has become pretty routine. If the 2 of them haven't already gotten together, it is going to happen soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2019): Only you can make that decision...you know your wife better than anyone...as far as flirting its in our the nature especially women...the only kind of flirting that causes damage is the ones done behind your back...because she is being truely decieving...the ones done in front of you that are inappropriate like if you werent there are also red flags...the ones she does in front of
you and seem to be inappropriate but she is just having fun with her husband in full knowledge are exeptable ans should not mess with your assurance in your marriage...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2012): attend councelling' it will help' hopefully that will bring some sense to your wife so maybe she can get her act together. What a disgraceful person. I would be ashamed to call her my wife
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2012): I as a female feel like you have every right as HER HUSBAND to be upset with her, she's YOUR WIFE! and should act as such, as your wife she should NOT be "stroking" any MAN THAT ISNT YOU!! point blank! plain and simple! The fact that she said that she didnt recall the events that took place that day and then all of a sudden recalled and blamed it on the alcohol, and act like she didnt give a damn about your feelings!? not wife like, dont use alcohol as an excuse, it seems to me that there maybe something going on here, you need to watch her closely dont be blinded by her, or your "friend" he should have told her to stop because it wasnt appropriate, THAT IS WAT A FRIEND WOULD HAVE DONE! just sayin! If she cared about your feelings then she would respect you saying that you would feel better if she didnt go without you being there, and since what happened, happened in the dark she probably thought u couldnt see her, just like your friends wife probably didnt. she got defensive because she got caught, dnt let her flip this around on you!! and she shouldnt go camping if she did all that stroking while you were there!??? what will she do when she KNOWS your not?? SEEK HELP FIND OUT WHATS GOING ON IN HER HEAD, I ENCOURAGE THE THERAPIST! GET TO THE BOTTOM LINE NOW. hope this helps
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2012): if I was you, i would NEVER forgive her. Being in marriage for a long time and she MUST respect you and your feelingsHer behaviour it's not like she loves you. open your mind and do the best for you bro, take care
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2012): I have a friend who likes to kiss women on a lips when he gets a little too much. We were in a pool, he complemented me on my new bathing suit and kissed me on a lipsIt depends on what the situation is. My husband doesn't get mad at the kissing friend nor at me as it really means nothing.You being married for that long should give you enough confidence to trust your wife. But... She also needs to respect your feelings, and if you don't like her behavior she should stop, and if you don't want her to go alone on a trip she shouldn't go.As a good wife she needs to care about your feelings and not make you feel uncomfortable,disregarding your concerns.It should be enough for her that she upset you, no questions asked, and same wisa a versa.It's not a matter of you not trusting her, its a matter of her not acting appropriately in front of you.May be it's ok for her , but not for you, and she needs to respect it and try not to upset her family. After all you are the one she is will grow old with, not your friends, and you are a priority!!
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reader, malvern  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 Yes, I think you should be concerned. You wife is being very unreasonable and if the boot were on the other foot, and it had been you behaving in such a manner, I'm sure there would be all hell to play. You've been remarkably restrained. This was a flirtation that was taken a step too far. You need to have a serious chat with her because a woman who is happy would not behave this way. It's as though your wife couldn't really care less that she's upset you. I think she's 'chomping at the bit' for freedom. I'm not so sure that counselling will make much difference. Just talk to her about your own relationship with her because I think she's got underlying issues.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 October 2012):
 ********* At first she said she did't remember doing it - then said she was drunk and meant nothing by it.****
Drunk or not - it was INAPPROPRIATE. I think the reason she lashed out at you, blaming YOU for not trusting her was the only "defense she could muster". I think she knows she was dead wrong.
I can't see how counseling can hurt. Maybe she needs to hear it from a neutral 3rd person.
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reader, human_male  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 I like how she's put this on you and made it out to be your fault. I'd be really concerned if I were you, not just by her actions but by her attitude. Did she even say she was sorry for hurting you?
Go to counselling. At the very least it may help you get some perspective. It seems your wife is completely unrepentant, and that is what worries me.
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reader, C. Grant  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 While your wife crossed a line, it sounds like it wasn't by as much as one might think given your group of friends. If flirting is common, and if the guy she was touching said it meant nothing, and given that she did it in front of you -- it may well not be a flag for infidelity.
That's not to say that her behaviour wasn't completely crass. I don't know how a husband could not be offended by his wife kissing and stroking another guy. And the fact that she sees nothing wrong, and thinks you're offside by being annoyed -- *that's* a flag of marriage trouble.
Counselling couldn't hurt, but it only really helps when both partners go in with an open mind. I wouldn't be surprised if, told by the counsellor that she was out of line, she decided the counsellor was full of it. Still, you clearly need to try something to work out this impasse, so give it a shot.
Good luck!
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