A
male
age
51-59,
*ubview
writes:Should I be worried about my wife talking with here friend with benifit from about 15 years ago? My wife and I have been married 13 years and have two girls. About four month ago i notice my wife was becoming very secretive with her iPhone. And an new name of a old friend who she grew up with kept coming up at our dinner table a lot. He is also married and has 3 kids. One night i ask her about him and she slowly told me about the friends with benefit they had. I told her that i was very uncomfortable about them talking on Facebook in private message. I would prefer they talk in public posting. Well her secretive activities kept on. Which lead me in doing the ultimate sin and hacking her phone and Facebook account. I have transcripts of them talking nasty about the good ol days. However they sexual conversation start to turn about what they would do to each other today if they lived in the same town. So i hack more and called her friend and talk to him about respect to both our family. He said he was sorry and was out of line. He would tell her that what they have been doing is wrong. I also ask him that if he wish to talk to her do it only in a public area. I confront my wife with everything. (she has been married before and her ex was cheating on her) I explain to her thats how i feel. I told her that i was sorry for my behavior in hacking and i would stop it all. I did...(4 month pass).I only ask her to not talk ti him a lot and only in public area. Today at my daughter cheer game she was showing me something on Facebook. She hit the message button by mistake and i saw his name!!! She quickly tried to change the screen and i act like i did not see it. For about 5 minute!!! Then i text her on Facebook saying i thought that you were not speaking to him in private. She has not talk to me about it. Oh by the way, her story was i drove her to this. K... So i quit my job and got something where i can spend more time with her and kids. I wash clothes and help out with the girls and house. I even quit smoking...
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male
reader, rescuer01 +, writes (3 September 2012):
I would say,before you become to worried and upset about it,I would sit her down and talk to her about it and let her know your feeling on it,because a marriage is never gonna work with 2 people if there isn't any trust among the 2 and there should be any secrets among between a husband and wife if the 2 really love eachother.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2012): I don't think her talking to an old FWB is a problem. The problem is that she's having an emotional affair with him and lying to you about it.You found out that she was flirting with this bloke and told her that you weren't happy about it and it had to stop. You've evn contacted the FWB and told him how you feel. At this point if she felt any remorse she would have changed her ways. Instead she continued to contact this man behind your back.When you found out she is still lying to you, she tries to tell you it's all your fault. Frankly that's rubbish, liars and cheats will always seek to excuse their actions when they get caught. It's easier to shift the focus onto someone/thing else than deal with the problem.I would sit down with your wife and point out there you are unhappy with her having anything to do with this man. If she wants to continue that is the end of the marriage. Talk through whatever problems she has, offer to go to counselling, show that you are willing to start afresh. If it was me I'd also speak to the other man's wife and let her know what's going on, but that's just me.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (2 September 2012):
 With that said, I think it is disrespectful to you for her to communicate on a consistent basis with any man. Unless this man is a colleague, a neighbor, the mailman, or someone with whom she has a neutral relationship. It takes time away from you and your relationship. Just my perspective and I know someone will disagree, but if it was my boyfriend, it would not fly.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (2 September 2012):
I am not sure. There are two, if not three, trains of thought when thinking about things like this.
First train of thought: No, you should not worry. That was in the past and if she is with you, then she clearly wants you, not him. Men and women can be friends and you should not worry.
Second train of thought: Yes, you should worry. Ex-lovers cannot be friends because there will always be that temptation to do what they used to do. There are feelings there somewhere, and if there were not some feelings still alive, they would not be communicating. She is with you and she should not be communicating with other men.
Third train of thought: Yes, you should worry. Men and women cannot be friends because sex or romantic feelings usually come into it. If they say they are "just friends", someone is lying. She is with you now and should not feel the need for other male companionship.
I am sure I left something out and there are probably more considerations. I guess I am from the old school that says that if men and women are talking, sharing, and seeing one another occassionally, frequently, or all the time, someone has a deeper interest. I have been told off several times for my views even though that has always been my experience. I realize some men and some women can be friends. I have male friends at work, however, when I do communicate with them it is always work related. And, I know that even though it is always work related, some of these friends are attracted to me.
So, there are my answers, for what they are worth. Personally, I would worry...the same as I would worry if my boyfriend told me he was going out to a movie and dinner with his female "friend" or was texting her or talking with her everyday or every other day or every week on the phone.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 September 2012):
 She said you drove her into it, I just have to comment on that part. Don't dismiss this so easily. I am sure you are trying your best to make the marriage work, but if she's saying things like that then perhaps you and her need to talk about it? Maybe you should discuss just what it is she feels you are responsible for, and what it is she wants to change. She, however, is always responsible for her own actions, and can not blame you for her cheating. And it sounds like she is cheating on you. Maybe she hasn't met him in person or done anything physical yet, but she has been secretive, sneaky, lied to you, and talked to him in a manner which she knows she shouldn't. She is going behind your back.
Yes, you are right to worry about this. What she is doing is damaging your marriage. But you can not give her orders on what she is allowed to do or not do. What you and her must do is talk about this and reach a common consensus.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 September 2012):
 Wow. She should be apologizing to you. You didn't drive her to do anything. She made the choice to be disloyal and cheat on you online, and she did it again even after you both talked about it.
The rule with these things is NO CONTACT. Not "contact in a public place". NO CONTACT.
You also talked to the wrong guy. Your wife made the vow to you, not her ex. You need to confront her. You quit your job?? She could have told you about how she feels before entering into an affair. It's a worthless excuse, and I guarantee you that you could bend over backwards and wait on her hand and foot, and she would still cheat.
You need to put your foot down, tell her to delete him off her facebook, stop talking to him, or you are both done. Then enroll both of you into marriage counseling, because right now, you're cowed so much in this marriage that you're not taking the stands you should!
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