A
male
age
41-50,
*ulldog77
writes:Dear Cupid,I am a 33 year old who has been with the same woman for 14 years and been married for 7 of those years. I love this woman with everything I have. We have four children together and are very happy together. My question is, recently after I had a surgery and a hospital stay, my wife started to feel lonely and depressed. Instead of coming to me and tell me how she was feeling, she started seeing a younger man at her job. At first, she said that they were friends and that she needed a person to talk to, but the friendship became more than a friendship and they became physically involved. She has been trying to hide the relationship with him but it is starting to come out and now she feels trapped and she said that she feel like that she is in love with both of us. When she got married, I always believed that the woman and the man can share their feelings about anyone, obviously I was wrong about that. So I decided to ask her if she is in love with me still, and she repeatedly says "Yes" and that her future is still with me, but she feels that she can't be just friends with the other guy. As a Christian, I have forgiven her for her transgressions and hope that she could make her decision when she is ready. Am I wrong for her to make a decision, or should I give her some time to think about this other relationship?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): As you are a Christian man... I will speak with you frankly. What does God expect of her as a wife? What are God's laws in marriage? Do you seek to rewrite God's law to suit your situation? Do you wish to engage in consensual adultery sharing your wife with another man? Which parts of God's law do you honor and which do you cast aside for your own convenience?
If you are indeed a Christian man, Christ demands more of you than going with the flow and taking immorality into your marriage bed and your home. Christ demands more of a Christian man than to watch his wife in trouble... waiting for her to figure out how to punch herself out of the paper bag she just placed herself into.
She can use whatever explanations she likes... she cheated out of lust. Now she calls her lust 'feelings' and even 'love'. She's in love with herself and no one else... or rather... she's in love with who she thinks she has become when she is pursued by a lover.... Now she is a woman who is wanted by two men... She is fulfilling her own egocentric fantasy of herself.
If you are a Godly man you cannot allow an adulterous wife to continue an affair during your marriage. Ask her to make a choice. Her marriage or her lover. Respect her decision.
Now, with her decision you make yours.
For the record, there was something pretty screwed up going on with your wife in order for her to get into a sexual affair just because you were in the hospital and out of commission. I find her behavior deplorable. Just because you weren't there as her personal sex toy... she found a substitute. Utterly deplorable behavior. And... I'm assuming she purports to be a Christian (I hope she doesn't... or she can add blasphemy to the list of her transgressions).
Remember, if you are a Godly man then live as one. Do not engage in immoral situations because it is the easier way out. Also, do not confuse 'forgiveness' with a lack of moral standards... In this case you are using the term forgiveness as a way for you to permit the immoral situation to continue...
Ask yourself... what is it that God expects of you? What is it that God expects of her as your wife? That is the criteria that applies. Not the ever changing morality of human beings.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): she doesn't deserve time to think about it she shouldn't have done it in the first place! You should have an answer she doesnt sound very nice!
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A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Never put up with that type of behavior! You don't deserve it! If she see can get away once she'll do it twice and then it's off to the races! No..don't allow NOBODY to do you that way! ijs.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 November 2010):
I admire your loyalty. But I'll remind you of the commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultary", which is what she has done. I'll also remind you of the marriage vows she took, "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health". What I'm saying here is that to be worthy of forgiveness, she has to give this guy up, on the spot, permanently. Anything less, and she is not the wife you deserve.
She is not in love with you both. She is in love with herself and thinks she can have it all. She can't. So, whilst I admire your devotion to her, you mustn't become the doormat, permanently waiting while she continues with this other guy. She is either your wife, committed to you, or you need to break the marriage. Set a limit for her to think. Just don't be a doormat.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Let me ask you this question. If you hadn't had surgery and the hospital stay, and if you didn't have the sickness that put you into surgery in the first place, would you still put up with your wife cheating on you?
You are a Christian, and it's admirable that you can forgive her, but as a Christian, there is no room in the marriage for adultery. In fact, it's given as a valid reason to have a divorce.
I think that it's less "Christian forgiveness" and more old-fashioned fear that's keeping you from holding her accountable and demanding monogamy or divorce, to be honest. Are you afraid of paying child support? Are you afraid of the whole legal process? Are you afraid that because of your physical condition, no one else will want you?
Do not allow her to have both of you, because she will not make the decision and continue along using you for comfort and security while having ellicit sex with this other guy. Conquer your fear and bring this to a head.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): u r her husband and the priority is to stay with u and her children. being in love with another guy is definitely something temporary. u should talk to her wisely and tell her that u and her children need her. and try to help her stay away of the other guy and gradually she'll forget him if she stops meeting him. let her search for another job, try to make it the least possible 4 her to be in contact with him.
both of u should never let go each other, u love each other since long time ago and u have children who needs both of u together and beside them..
Good Luck and hope everything just goes perfectly.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 November 2010):
 It's incredibly thoughtful of you to let her decide as you are. It's better than she deserves frankly. Ultimately you have to do what feels right for you. If you feel that this is the choice that will make you happy, then that's what you should do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): She wants to have her cake and eat it. Obviously since the affair has gotten physical she may find it difficult it extricate herself but she can't have it both ways, maybe its because she knows she has a forgiving husband who probably won't kick her to the curb that she feels she can get away with it because if she stood to absolutely lose her marriage she might be singing a different tune. It cant be one or the other, giving her time to decide will just mean you are allowing her time to go be with this other man and that's not right. She is not trapped, she is married, either she wants this other man and divorces you or she commits to you and tries to work this out. Good luck friend.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): No. She cheated on you. And at a time when you really needed her. You've forgiven her, which I find astonishing (but also impressive) but she can't possibly love you if she became physical with someone else.
Quite honestly, I think you should either walk away and immediately start divorce and custody proceedings, or tell her she has to make a decision - you or him. It's not fair on you and not fair on your children.
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