A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts!My wife and I frequently get into arguments which begin with her telling me that she doesn't like the tone or volume of my voice. Sometimes she tells me to stop barking at her. Usually when this happens I am not raising my voice at her, angry at her, or telling her what to do. I am just talking with her about mundane stuff like couples do without any extra passion or energy or aggression in my voice. My parents grew up in a Mediterranean country (people tend to be loud in my culture), I had four siblings, and our home was always loud and boisterous. I am aware I am a naturally rather loud person and I try to keep it down if we are in a library or a church or something, but if we are in public my wife sometimes says I am embarrassing her or drawing unwanted attention to us. Sometimes she even says that people will call security on me. Of course this never happens, because I am polite and courteous. There is no reason for anyone to feel threatened by me. I have no idea what she is talking about. I am loud, but I am not pushy, aggressive, or rude. It's just volume - not scream-at-the-top-of-my-lungs loud, but louder than some other people. To be honest, what drives me bonkers is when couples speak to each other in hushed whispers. It always seems rude to me. To each his own, I guess.Anyway, wife says that it's not what I say, but my tone of voice. I told her to pay less attention to my tone and more attention to what I am actually saying because I am not the kind of person to play games. I can be sarcastic, but this isn't in those situations. It's just us talking about the weather or some topic equally mundane and not charged or heated in any way. This usually leads to a fight where she tells me to stop yelling at her which ultimately leads me to ACTUALLY start yelling because I am insulted. I get so upset because this is like a fundamental part of who I am. It is like if she told me she didn't like the color of my eyes. Yes, I can try to be more aware but the reality is that I am by nature a loud person. That isn't going to change so I don't know why she keeps bringing it up. I told her that culturally that's how we are and she knows that and she knew that from the first time we met so I really don't know what she wants me to do. I feel like when she starts in on my volume she criticizing me, then I get defensive and we fight. I sometimes think she is TRYING to start a fight, because the conversations we are having when this occurs are just so unbelievably dull and uncontroversial I can't imagine why she would choose those particular times to say I need to stop yelling at her. I could better understand it if maybe we were having a more heated conversation, but to voice that criticism when we are just talking seems ridiculous and is hurtful.This seems like a real fundamental compatibility problem when she feels she is being yelled at all the time when I am not yelling at all. She knows the difference by now so I feel like she is playing dumb about it or trying to goad me into a fight. I understand that she obviously doesn't like how I speak but I can't change that so I don't know what she wants me to do. It also makes me really dislike her for being so insensitive to me and overly concerned about what other people might think about me. I get along just fine with most people, by the way, so I don't like being characterized as some loud-mouthed lout by her. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I am well-spoken, well-educated, kind, and polite. I'm just loud. I think these arguments she starts are pointless. Where do we go from here? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (21 August 2022):
 As someone who works (and sits directly opposite) someone who has a very loud voice, I can totally understand where your wife is coming from. I lose count of the number of times in a working day I have to ask my colleague to "shush", especially when I am trying to have a telephone conversation and all I can hear is his booming voice. He CAN lower his tone; he just CHOOSES not to - a bit like you, I suspect.
You cannot help the colour of your eyes (to use your ill thought-out example) but I would hope you can exercise control over the volume of your voice. You have got into the habit of talking loudly. If you actually WANT your wife not to be embarrassed by you, you can work on getting into the habit of NOT talking loudly. Perhaps ask her to work with you on this and, instead of telling you, have a code you can use, especially in public, to let you know you are talking too loudly. Perhaps a squeeze of your arm or something similar?
Do you, perhaps, have problems with your hearing? People whose hearing is not very good can sometimes talk loudly because they cannot hear themselves. Have you had a hearing test just in case?
My other thought is, perhaps you just rabbit on incessantly to fill empty space? Some people feel they have to do that, while others are comfortable with a bit of silence. Perhaps this is your wife's way of just shutting you up and giving her ears a break? Have an honest conversation about it with her. Don't get angry. Ask questions and listen to the answers. There are two of you in this relationship and both of you are entitled to an input, not just you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 August 2022):
 Why not just TRY and lower your volume?
I mean it seems like an easy fix, you just don't wanna because ... "insert reasons".
Being loud quite often translates to aggression or anger. that might not be your intention but that can still be how it's perceived.
If it doesn't work using a "sotto voce" - then maybe she IS trying to goad a reaction out of you.
Worth a try.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2022): She's your wife, maybe you should try to compromise. She has repeatedly asked you to lower your volume; so lower your volume. You don't indicate anywhere in your lengthy post that you've made any effort to lower your voice. You simply made the argument that's how you grew-up. More or less, that gives her complaint some traction; because you've taken the "take-it or leave-it" stance about it.
I would want my partner to let me know if I'm doing anything to embarrass them in public. I'd rather be corrected by someone I know and love; than for someone at another table (or the restaurant manager) to ask me to lower my voice. If you can be heard far above everyone else in the room; that's either bad-manners, or a poor sense of proper etiquette and class. It doesn't make it okay just because no one confronts you about it. The public places that responsibility on the people (or person) you're with. Chances are, they're staring at her in disbelief.
You adjust to the climate and situation. Read the room. If everybody else is loud, be loud. If there's a hush in the room, you may sound like an idiot shouting for no reason. The environment does not have to adjust itself to you. She feels your booming-voice makes her feel you're yelling at her. If she has to keep repeating that to you, it means you're not listening; because you're offended at the criticism. Hence, you won't change to make your point.
Get your hearing checked. Sometimes that's the hidden reason behind talking too loud.
I also agree with you, it could be a passive-aggressive attempt to distract you when she doesn't feel she can win the argument; or she has some other underlying reason she just feels annoyed in your presence, but won't come right-out and admit it. I think she also harbors resentment for something she hasn't shared with you; so she picks something "about" you to use a way to get at you. It's gaslighting. When you want to make a person feel demeaned or insulted; keep bringing-up a flaw, and milk it for all it's worth. The point of passive-aggression is to make someone feel self-conscious, and indirectly slapped silly. You won't fight back, if you're not sure how to take it. Being too stunned with embarrassment, or crushed, to defend yourself. Hitting people repeatedly with what you don't like about them is meanspirited and underhanded; and maybe she feels that's the only way she can even the score.
I suggest you tone it down. Lower the volume, and at least compromise. If she still complains; then you'll know she's got something else caught in her gizzard, and she's using the volume of your voice as a focal-point, instead of spitting-out what's really eating her. If you're loud, that seems to me like a legitimate complaint. It can be annoying, and even intimidating. Add sarcasm or intimidation to it; that makes it all even worse! It makes you come across as crass, a bully, and overaggressive. If it's just your voice she complains about; compromise, and practice speaking in a lower tone of voice. You're not her drill-sergeant, you're her husband.
Sometimes it's the things other people notice about you that you're not aware of. If you take offense to constructive criticism, you'll make a fool of yourself out of pride and ignorance. Especially, when someone who loves you has repeatedly tried to help you. Others may not speak-up, so all the weight falls on her shoulders. They don't want you to end-up shouting at them!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2022): test
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2022): Aw please.Let's cut to the chase- you are , by your own admission,loud. Being loud is inappropriate,unnecessary and annoying to most people in most social situations. People may not feel threatened by you, but I assure that many of them will feel disturbed or imposed upon, and I am not surprised that some times your wife feels embarassed.You may be well read, well spoken, kind , and a wonderful person all around, but polite, well, that's debatable.A polite, well mannered person can ,and does, adjust the level of his/her voice to what's proper according to place, circumstances and company. I don't even buy the cultural motivation - I live in Italy ! and I assure you that, contrariously to popular belief, not all Italians are loud- far from it. Only those that ,like you, refuse to make even the smallest change to their (bad ) habits to not be inconvenienced- they prefer to inco venience the people who unfortunately have to share space with them ( same restaurant,same train,etc.).Being loud is not "who you are " or part of yourself, it is an unpleasant behaviour which you have the power to modify if you want. It's like as if you were saying : I am a smoker, s that's what I am. OK- just stop smoking then !!
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