A
male
age
41-50,
*adUnderFire
writes:Well, I'm not gonna sit here and try to talk myself up when I tell you all about my situation, but if it turns out that way, then well... its all from my point of view. But first to get this out of the way before I forget. I am sometimes a selfish person, but only when it comes to petty things. For example, I might want to do something for myself before I do for others, and yeah, that can include my family. Never anything serious like choosing if I should buy food for the house or go out with my buddies. Anyway, its something I've been getting better at since my daughter was born 6 years ago. Well, to my problem. My wife and I have been together 9 years. I married her before our daughter was born. I was the only one working to support us up until about a year ago when she started teaching at a preschool/nursery. For the first, 7 years, I begged her to get out and get a job to supplement our income. She never would. I loved her so much that I never made a huge fuss about it but every now and then I would throw it out there. She, however, didn't see how it was beating me up with all the stress on my back. Needless to say, I was really proud of her when she started her job. Jump to 3 months later, and I lose my job due to downsizing. At first, my wife is fine with it. We had money in the bank that would last us if we budgeted. I had a knack for getting jobs back to back. I would still have people calling me months after I'd found one. Not this time around though. I was job hopping for almost a year, my wife supporting us on her meager check, but we made due. I could see it was stressing her, as I could only hold down a job for 2-3weeks at a time. Once, I found a good warehouse job, then I got into a car accident and wrecked my wife's van (mine had gotten repossessed a few months earlier). I lost that job. My wife, not used to a life of living paycheck to paycheck, became depressed and distant. She started getting selfish with her paycheck. She would complain about putting her earnings on food and bills. Those were things I never once complained about in the 7 years I supported her. But now she was standing here looking down on me as if I were the scum of the earth. that's how its been here recently for the past few months. I just found a job and start it in the coming week. But now my wife is so distant emotionally. Its as if she sees me as worthless. She'll spend all of our alone time playing games on the pc, or texting her friends about god knows what. She routinely goes out to party with her friends. Its not like she never had a social life before. It was the money I earned that she would go to the clubs with. She acts as if there is not enough time in the day to spend with me. I'm the one who's down and needs some encouragement. She hardly spends time with our daughter. Heck, even my daughter emulates her and spends time on her computer despite me trying to push her outside to play. I know I let her down when I couldn't find a job but was it really my fault? And now, of all times, I have another issue. My neighbor (female) is being more encouraging to me than my own wife. My wife is quite jealous of her and I getting close. I have to admit, I'm developing feelings for my neighbor. She is single and beautiful. But I LOVE my wife and I want her to love me like she did before. Its hard to convince her of this. Its like I've become the burden and now she wants to drop me in the cold. then on the other hand, I have this warm, affectionate person cheering me up and helping me out for nothing. How am I not supposed to feel what I do for her? Maybe the new job will make things better. What do you all think? thanks in advance for your insight.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (28 September 2010):
 "I begged her to get out and get a job to supplement our income."First mistake. Never beg, not for anything, especially to your wife. It inspires contempt, no matter how justified it is. Rather, you should have sat her down with the checkbook and your balance sheets and made it clear that she had to do it for the family. If she refused, you'd have known earlier exactly where she stands."She would complain about putting her earnings on food and bills. Those were things I never once complained about in the 7 years I supported her."Failling to complain when you have the opportunity does not prevent other people from complaining, nor should it. Don't view this as a problem, view it as an opportunity to help put her in a better mood. Listen to her complain for a maximum of 15 minutes, then give her a hug for at least 10 seconds."But now she was standing here looking down on me as if I were the scum of the earth."Despite modern protests to the contrary, women need to be able to look up to their man - they need to feel they "married up" and have a protector/leader for a husband. The easiest way to create that feeling is through the breadwinner role; other options include a healthy amount of social dominance (which you destroyed any chance of by not taking the lead) or ambition coupled with the drive to fulfill it. Both are very difficult to maintain, particularly for nice guys."I LOVE my wife and I want her to love me like she did before. Its hard to convince her of this."You can't convince her, or make her love you. You can only be worthy of love and respect, and hope she sees it. Unfortunately, it sounds like her mercenary attitude towards the marriage outweighs her respect for you as a man; that's a difficult fix.To fix this, first, focus on that job! Getting a good job will help you in every aspect of your life, from your confidence to your relationship to your financial situation. Second, keep talking to you neighbor. It's good to be able to talk things out, especially if your wife is (as I strongly suspect) currently contemptuous of your emotional state. Don't cheat, though, obviously. Third, stop trying to convince your wife of anything - make it your mission to be a good father and husband, and damn her opinion.What is most important here is not love, but respect. You have to earn it, you can't convince anyone to give it or ask for it. So, while I usually advise talking about something first, here I'm going to say just focus on the mission. Be ambitious about work, stop apologizing to your wife for anything, and take the time to be a father one-on-one with your daughter if you can. Best of luck.
A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (26 September 2010):
Have you spoken to your wife about how you feel? This needs to be your starting point.
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