A
male
age
51-59,
*irefox2k122
writes:It started almost the first month we were married, there was no intimacy. After years of no intimacy and no physical contact in our relationship, I was very resentful. The only time we had intimacy or physical contact was when she wanted children, which we had 5 attempts and she was pregnant 3 times. I love my kids, but I am very very resentful. Plus, her yearly threats of divorce only intensified with the threat of taking the kids away. Then, I went to a foreign country where I got my first erotic massage by accident(I didn't know what I was getting into). It was wonderful.. and I just lost all moral compass right there.. from time to time I would travel and seek out such places. Then I started paying for sex,...I have done this so many times. I hate myself I can't stop.. I can go for a long time without... but I always return.I am so angry.. at my wife, at my self..I need to deal with my wife, and my self.Now I think I'll call her bluff of divorce..and see what happens..I don't know what to do, I can't live this way, and I can't continue to put up with this.I need advice. Can someone help?
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male
reader, firefox2k122 +, writes (29 October 2015):
firefox2k122 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never thought porn would lead me to where I am, nor have I ever thought it would lead to death. But after watching a video about a serial killer, who said that's how he and the other men on death row got there.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 June 2015):
 Hi firefox2k122
I watched the whole video and it really was quite interesting
Regards
Abella
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A
male
reader, firefox2k122 +, writes (2 June 2015):
firefox2k122 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe Great Internet Porn Experiment
https://youtu.be/wSF82AwSDiU
I know this about internet .. but I think it applies to what escorts. It points to how our minds work, and give hope to a guy addicted to illicit sex or porn.
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A
male
reader, firefox2k122 +, writes (27 May 2015):
firefox2k122 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, my wife is not harmed or at risk. When she gave birth to our youngest child, the doctor said to me under stern tones to get a "vasectomy". She was at risk of health issues if she got pregnant again. So I did, "thinking maybe now she would be comfortable with me". She approached me once after 12 months and we had sex... but that was the 5th time and last time she wanted sex. Since then we have had no sex, and don't really have physical contact. That occurred a few years before my exploits started in 2009, and spread out sparely over the years.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): I fail to see how your prostitution habit is even harming your wife. She isn't having sex with you or anything else along those lines. What is going to happen? She can't catch a disease.
With the life you have lived, you may not be as addicted to sex workers so much as craving some sex & intimacy. What I'm saying is don't assume you have a terrible addiction to prostitutes until you have tried being single and seeking out normal women for other relationships. I think you have turned to prostitutes out of sheer desperation. You may not have a huge problem swearing off prostitutes once you are in a position to have a romantic & sexual relationship with someone else for real.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2015): Until you are able to find yourself a therapist, you'll need to keep yourself distracted in the meantime. Addictions possess the mind and rule your behavior. Demanding you surrender to your impulses.
You may want to find yourself a good hobby to keep you busy so the mind doesn't obsess on the addiction. A hobby will also be helpful in lowering tension and stress; because your mind is very busy craving sex, and worrying over your marriage at the same time. Your medical doctor may recommend a mild sedative. Long brisk walks and bicycling is really good in lowering stress, and its a good workout. Remove yourself from the source of your tension and practice doing whatever you can to resist the addiction; because even with therapy, that is what it's going to comedown to. You still need the professional-counseling, there's no way around that.
You're a man of faith, don't forget to pray! Stop concerning yourself with "morality and religion," that concerns society and people, their unbridled judgment, and self-righteousness. We all have secrets and weaknesses.
"Church-people" can be terrible. They all pretend and give the false impression they have given-up all sins and are immune to the weaknesses of the flesh. That's not true, it's part of human nature and it's always there. You don't have to be a slave to your impulses. You've lost that control. You'll get it back. Don't concern yourself with what people think.
Instead, relate to your spiritual side; and private relationship with God for the sake of peace of mind.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 May 2015):
Hi
Speak to your doctor who may know a psychologist who specializes in this field. Or the psychologist may be aware of a sex therapist who works with people with this type of sex addiction.
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A
male
reader, firefox2k122 +, writes (23 May 2015):
firefox2k122 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay.. I contacted a lawyer, I am quietly finding out how to proceed. But what about a help with my addiction, what is the best to proceed. Or just google sex addiction help?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2015): You can't remain in a loveless resentful marriage. Apparently your wife doesn't love you, and the problems you are both sweeping under the rug for the sake of "appearances" isn't fooling the God you love and worship.
You're worried about being ostracized by the community?!! They have no right to judge. You're paying prostitutes; while putting on a face for your family and the public. That sir, is an affront to God, your family, and your Christian beliefs. Never-mind what people think!
A divorce is inevitable. Please don't give us that lame excuse about staying together for the sake of the children; because you and your wife don't fool them one bit. They hear you talking, and they also notice you don't show each other affection. They sense the tension and see the gap between you. Yes, they will play on your sympathies to stay together, but that's not their choice to make. They suffer regardless.
Your wife doesn't seem to worry about what the community thinks, when she threatens you with divorce! She'd suffer the same ostracism, would she not? I still sense there is more to the story; as I previously indicated. So whatever you said to her really hit home. Hard!!! You don't win any brownie points for the prostitutes; and certainly not for living with a dirty secret, and in a fake marriage in-front of the children. They'll play dumb to keep the family together, but doing so makes them dysfunctional. The trauma will manifest itself in all sorts of negative-behavior, and they will act-out on their frustrations and anger. Especially if they're teenagers!!! They will investigate and figure-out what's going on, and your wife will be only too happy to poison them against you. So you do more damage by staying.
Avoiding divorce is only to protect your own pride and reputation. If you've kept your sexual-exploits secret, how would anyone know about that? Maybe I was right that your wife is aware of what you've been doing, and has been all along. You may as well be honest. Women snoop.
Well, you're living in an earthly-hell as it is. You may as well get the divorce, find a new church, and search for your redemption and salvation. God forgives everything. All He wants you to do is STOP lying, be good to your kids, forgive your wife, and ask for His forgiveness. Then go seek professional-help for your sexual-addiction, and turn your life around.
Never use your children as an excuse. Children learn to adapt to their surroundings. Living under the tension is more damaging than a divorce. They are not naive little fools that you can lie to at your convenience; as you do awful things that will eventually makes its way to their knowledge anyway. Surely your wife will tell them everything. If she doesn't, the truth will out itself. It always comes back to bite you in the ass!
You've avoided a divorce, but don't claim it was for the children. You're protecting your hide, and continue to do all the things you're ashamed of. Well, get on your knees and pray. You'll find your answers and you'll do right by God, your family, and yourself.
If she did take $10K, you both will have to split your assets down the middle anyway. If she has $100K, at least you know your children will be well taken care of.
Get tested for STD's, get a divorce attorney, seek spiritual-counseling, and get some professional-counseling for your addiction. The sooner you get your life in order, the better off things will be in the long-run. God has a way of fixing things when we make the effort to do His will. Don't forget that.
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A
male
reader, firefox2k122 +, writes (21 May 2015):
firefox2k122 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh.. there is one other thing..She has a secret account with over 100K in it..I think most from her parents.. but I think she is scraping from my account.. I did a full scale analysis on my income.. can could not find where 10K went too..on top of that I am sacrificing my retirement to give her everything she deems is needed.
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A
male
reader, firefox2k122 +, writes (21 May 2015):
firefox2k122 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo understand the conundrum I am in. I will explain some things.Sometime ago, when my kids where younger..less then 11. I got in an argument with my wife. And of course I said things that were resentful, expressing my anger at the way she was manipulating our marriage. She was threatening divorce, and I had it, was ready to give it to her. I would divorce her. While she was yelling at me about "ripping the kids out of bed and leaving"... I heard a noise from the kids' rooms. I said "someone is up" and I ran past her to the rooms. I found my daughter up, crying in her bed. The light was off, and I could see glistening tears running down her cheek. She said "Daddy, are you and mommy getting a divorce?" Immediately my heart broke.. "I said, "no sweetie.. mommy is anger at daddy because I said something mean. Don't worry, I will make it right. no body is leaving." I kissed her and hugged her..Then I went downstairs.. and said "I'm sorry" to my wife.I swallow my pride and dignity.. and decide to give all I had for the kids. I was defeated and turned to sexual improprieties.Another thing my own Christian back ground(deep belief), with parents that loved(I mean they kissed all the time) each other until the day they died. I will be condemned, outcast, and public humiliated for my divorce. I will condemn for my sexual fornication, outcast, and humiliated.I am caught between my deep belief in God, and my sexual desires. I have turn my back on God, I hate my wife, and I am about to destroy the hearts of my children that I love dearly.It is these vices, these canyon walls that I have chosen the path of least resistance.I am at the point I would welcome being caught or getting a divorce. I can't continue down this abyss..
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (20 May 2015):
 My man you need to grow a pair. Ill say that respectfully. Your wussy behavior is partly to blame for this and a reason why your wife may feel more affection vs attraction to you. Your marriage is getting toxic. Divorce her and get out or you will live a miserable life.
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A
male
reader, firefox2k122 +, writes (20 May 2015):
firefox2k122 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the replies... I think I have know those things all along, I just feel stuck between what I believe right and the threat of divorce.
1. Stop paying for sex. I know that is wrong, I chose it.
2. Get a divorce..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2015): Qld, regardless of both of your issues, her with withholding and you paying for sex.... You have no right to try and scam get out of the money the court says she is entitled to.Whoever is going to care for the children is legally and MORALLY entitled to the lions share regardless of what problems the two of you have Als if one of you compromised future earning capacity to stay home and care for the children , that person is also entitled to be compensated duly One spouse staying home and giving up a career or putting it on hold is a family structure and one person should not have to pay the price in loss of future earning just so the other didn't have to pay for childcare Don't listen to anyone who tells you to hide assets ! It's illegal and immoral Imagine what your children would think if they ever found out about the prostututes ( ie spending family money on sex th them ) and then that you hid money
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (20 May 2015):
 First, stop with the prostitutes and get checked for STD and make sure you don't have any and your wife does not know you did it.
Second, gather favorable evidence, prospect a good home where you could move to, secure your job and money.
Three, hire a good lawyer and tell him that you want a divorce. Explain the situation (minus the prostitutes) and aim to get whatever you can.
There is no future with your wife. You have been her pounding doormat for too long. Get rid of her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2015): Be very careful about hiding your assets. I would seek legal counsel before moving anything anywhere. If she pays the bills, or has access to all your accounts; she knows what being moved and what isn't. She may also know about your sexual exploits with sex-workers as well. She wouldn't be threatening divorce; unless she has already sought legal advice, and knows what she can do to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2015): Get a divorce. Stop paying for sex, while you have a wife. It's time to give that religious-fanatic her divorce. Your marriage is a sham. Perhaps she is only married to you because she needed a sperm-donor, financial security, marital-rights, and your last name. She'd otherwise be an aging lonely single-woman. Being so uptight. If you get nothing in return for all that, why are you still there? If only we could get two-sides to this story!
Don't pretend to be so naive. A woman who is so conservative that she will only have sex to procreate; will not take your children away from you. She has a sense of mercy and would do nothing to harm her children. If the marriage is a sham as I suspect; she will be a she-demon through the divorce proceedings. So prepare for the fight.
She will wear frumpy long dresses, cry a lot, and play the innocent victimized spouse. With what you've been up to lately, she is.
Withholding sex or carnal abandonment is grounds for divorce; and you can also fight for child-custody and visitation rights. My domestic partner was a lawyer, I've learned a few things. Lawyer-up! Your paternal-rights and protection of your assets are as good as your divorce attorney. Save the money you're wasting on your sexual exploits, and put it where it matters.
The threat to steal your children is an idle-threat, and she has no legal right to keep them from you. Nor will they allow her to take them from their father. She's a frigid dried-up old bat; who has an overly-conservative system of religious values. I've heard of these fundamentalist religious interpretations of scripture; and how some people have taken a few biblical passages quite literally. I would venture to say this woman may have married you for money and convenience; and withholds sex, because she doesn't want it from you. Period! She knows it is a matter of time before you cheat, then she probably thinks she can grab your children and clean you out.
Well, you're the one who proposed. You must have had some idea of her moral values beforehand. I'm far from a naive person. I know there is much much more afoot than you explain. You carefully articulated your justification to seek sex outside your marriage. Then claim it to now be attributed to an addiction. Seriously?!! You've found yourself an outlet, and you simply don't want to give it up. You had better try!
Why don't you just be honest, and just admit you don't want to face the legal expense and division of assets that a divorce will impose on you. Losing your children is a convenient excuse, but very unlikely. Instead, you go abroad, and get sleazy massages or pay for sex from questionable sex-workers.
You're stooping far too low to avoid a divorce, my friend.
Your addiction to sex-workers is going to cost you a lot more than what you hand them in cash. Unless you're making frequent trips to Amsterdam? Those foreign places could be raided by the police, you could be exposed to STD's, and hopefully your conscience is nagging at you. If you are a religious man; you know you are compromising your values, and submitting to weakness of the flesh. You're behaving totally opposite to your prude of a wife. Who uses religion to avoid offering you intimacy. The truth is, she wanted a good-life, prestige, and she doesn't need sex from you. She plans to use her religious values to plead her case.
File for divorce and seek a decent life. One you can live with, keep a clean soul, and have a clear conscience.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 May 2015):
Unfortunately, your wife used you from day one. She wanted kids and some help supporting them. That's it.
There is nothing worth saving here. You'll still have access to your kids after divorce, and you'll be able to find someone who wants a relationship that you want too.
Don't call her bluff. Go see a lawyer and then divorce her!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 May 2015):
Your marriage was over a long time ago. And you shouldn't have to live this way. Your wife has treated you like a sperm donor and financier of her lifestyle.
You also need to stop playing games with your wife, even if she is goading you or threatening you.
If you are going to get things happening to end this marriage then from now on you need to keep your powder dry.
No more responding to threats.
No more hinting what you might/could/will do.
Keep all your paper work at your workplace.
Redirect your mail to a secure mail box .
If you do not do these things you wife may open your mail.
Instead you need to consider that you are 'living with the enemy'
You certainly cannot confide in the children - it will get back to their Mommy within minutes.
From now on ONLY confide in your divorce attorney and your counsellor. NOT in anyone else who potentially would update your wife on your plans.
Make sure that you have some photos of you doing regular things with your children to show examples of you being supportive of the children and loving towards the children. Collect those photos when the wife and children are not around and give them to your divorce lawyer.
Because once your wife is aware that you are divorcing her then all evidence that you have ever been a good Dad will disappear and the only photos left will be photos of her doing things with the children.
She will try to freeze you out.
Protect yourself financially before your wife has any inkling of the divorce. That might mean parking some funds in an account that is yours alone to pay for the Divorce lawyer and the counselling you will need as well as alternative accommodation for you.
This is the same advice I would give a woman if she was the one who was initiating a divorce.
Be careful of any joint credit cards/joint debts/joint anything financial. Because you may find that your wife will run up debt on those cards that you will be jointly liable for, as soon as she gets word about the divorce. Then later you will be horrified when the accounts for that spending arrive.
Better to advise the bank that you do not want to be on the joint cards anymore and want your own separate card.
That way she can have her own card and you can have yours.
Once your wife knows you are divorcing her then expect her to play very dirty and very hard.
Before the law was changed in the West 'restitution of conjugal rights' was grounds for divorce as it implied desertion from the marriage if the couple were no longer operating as a couple, even if they remained together.
Such an action, for restitution of conjugal rights can still be put before the Family Court in India, thought that is not going to help your situation. Even then the man may not succeed if it is apparent to all that the marriage was over a long time prior to the action being taken in court.
You are resentful, and I can understand that, in the circumstances.
Your wife is very controlling and clearly relishes having the (apparent) upper hand.
In desperation you have done some things that will not make your position stronger.
So button your pride. Quietly go and get some counselling. Best that you don't share that with your wife. Go over with the counsellor how you cope with the next stage.
Then consult a good divorce lawyer who has a good reputation in respect to assisting the father to put in place a custody agreement that ensures that the father will get regular access to the children.
Your wife will try to take you to the cleaners so consult the divorce attorney without discussing this fact with your wife.
It might have been better if you had bought yourself a fleshlight and stuck with head and shoulders massages at the local Chinese (non-sexual) massage place.
But what is done is done.
Hopefully, if you want a fulfilling relationship in the future then you will need to find the strength to stop seeing prostitutes.
Once you are divorced then try to be extra kind to you. Go where you can develop some inexpensive hobbies and maybe do some volunteer work. Then eventually you will meet a nice girl.
You have put up with a lot for a long time. So work through with the counsellor why you have put up with this non-working marriage for so long.
Are there some self esteem issues that you need to work on?
Once you separate, pending the divorce then try to live an easily commutable distance from your soon to be ex-wife. That way you can see your children and still be available to your children if required.
But far enough from your soon to be ex that at you have time and a place to relax.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 May 2015):
 She can't TAKE the children and deny access. UNLESS there is a good LEGAL reason and I don';t know if she knows about the prostitutes.
Blaming your wife for your LACK of control in seeking sex elsewhere is a cop out. SHE didn't MAKE you go look for prostitutes and pay them.
Blaming your wife for an unhappy marriage? Well, it's 50/50 isn't it?
WHY give her CHILDREN when she won't give you intimacy?
I'd divorce her, take her to court and ensure you get visitation right and/or shared custody.
As for the "addiction" to prostitutes, THAT is on you to sort out.
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