A
male
age
51-59,
*annio129
writes:I’m just devastated by the news that I just received, and just wondering if I can get perspective from other men and women. My wife and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7. I accepted her 2 children from her previous marriage with open arms and love them like my own. We now have a 3.5 year old beautiful daughter together. She is the light of my life. About a year ago…I felt my wife gradually pulling away. She wouldn’t tell me why...other than “I worked too much” We don’t fight or argue much…I thought it was more of an issue of us really needing to connect more…spend more 1 on 1 time…and so I tried very hard to make that happen. I shortened my work hours, spoke to my boss about needing time to re-kindle my marriage. He agreed. (very) Long story short…the more I tried the more she pulled away. She stared going out with the girls every Friday (close to a year ago now) and not coming home. She refused to tell me where she was. And I arranged babysitters for Saturday eves…but she always had a reason not to go out with me…yet continued to stay out all night on Fridays. I was devastated…but continued to try to “win her back”One day…in November…she told me that once she was working again and back on her feet (I had been the sole bread-winner for 3 years), that she would like a divorce. For months…we lived together as she prepared herself to move on. We are STILL living together. There were moments of hope…when she began to change her mind…then she would suddenly change right back. Then…2 weeks ago, I received an email through Facebook from a woman who I don’t know. She explained that her husband and my wife were high-school sweethearts and that they had been communicating again…and she believed they were trying to arrange to “hook-up”. She told me it was destroying her marriage / family and she thought I should know that it was going on. Let’s call this man “Johnny” Another long story short…Johnny’s wife ultimately set a trap and caught them together red-handed (they were not literally in the sack…but she caught them together in Johnny’s camper…late at night…they had both snuck away from their families to meet up in this fashion) BTW, Johnny and his wife have 2 young children together. So…Johnny’s wife spoke to them right there in the camper and “made them” swear they would not get together…or even talk…again. They “agreed”The poor woman believes that they will follow through. When my wife arrived home…and I confronted her…she fell into tears and explained to me that she has always loved Johnny…always has…always will. She said he was the love of her life and that she would have never married me OR her ex-husband if she thought her and Johnny could be together. She said Johnny felt the same way…but has made a decision to stay with his wife only because she “threatened that he’d never see his kids again” I asked my wife if one of the reasons that she got distant and pulled away was because of her feelings for Johnny and she said “yes…probably so. I can’t help how I feel” I asked… “then why did you marry me?” she said “What was I supposed to do? He was married. I couldn’t have him” So…here I am. I was already on the cusp of divorce…but now…I sit here with my beautiful and amazing daughter on my lap who has no idea that mommy and daddy are going to divorce. And now…now I find out that the woman that I just ADORED…the woman I was convinced was the love of my life…well, I hadn’t LOST her heart…I never really had it to begin with. She had always loved another man. I am not the kind to feel sorry for myself…but wow. I find myself closing my office door at work and just sobbing…not like me at all. This one’s going to leave a mark. I am usually a very confident guy. But this is really getting me. It’s psychologically so painful. I mean…she wanted him…not me…all along. At this point…I am still letting her live in the house that I have funded 100% along. She started working 3 mos. Ago and QUIT her job…saying she is going to finish her degree over the summer and go to work again in the fall. She treats me…daily… as if she is angry at me for “mettling” and messing up her relationship with Johnny. OR…just ignores me and treats me like I do not exist. She shows no remorse…doesn’t think that she has done anything wrong…and still acts as if I am the one who caused the decay in our relationship.This is so surreal…I can’t believe it is happening. Funny thing is…I actually feel a little sorry for her…thinking she is devastated because she can’t be with her “true love” I guess. I suppose that shows the depth of love I actually have for this woman. At the same time…it makes me feel so terribly used, empty and alone.At this point as I type this…I don’t really know why I am even posting other than to ask...from the outside looking in…how would you feel? What would you do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2015): Oh my goodness. I am so, so sorry. What has happened to you is utterly awful. You definitely do not deserve that. You deserve the best.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 May 2015):
 Btw, when she has no income, you are more likely to get custody. Why should you pay allimony? You should have the children with you. Get alawyer. She cheated, that is good reason to get divorced and good reason for you to get custody. Her weekly night out do not put her in a good light either.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 May 2015):
Id feel the same way you do. And Id take the kids and leave her.
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A
female
reader, mrspiggy  +, writes (23 May 2015):
 I am so sorry for what you are going through. It must be so painful for you.
I think you should push for the divorce now. You have time to find the love of your life, a women that will be there through everything. This is not that women. Let her go. She'll never be happy and her first love doesn't want her so I feel she'll Treat you worse and worse the longer you let this go on.
Let her go.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (23 May 2015):
 I am so sorry...you sound like a very kind and sweet loving man. You don't deserve this..not at all. Its nothing that you did wrong..nothing at all. Your wife couldn't have what she wanted so she decided to take what she could get and she found someone kind and loving and loyal.
I have seen this kind of thing play out first hand. It happened with my mother and father. My mother and her childhood sweetheart broke up when they were 18. I think he cheated on her if I remember correctly. She never got over him, but moved on and met my dad. My dad adored my mother, he tried so hard to make her happy. She treated him like crap most of the time but neither of them believed in divorce. My mother told me straight out when I was about 15 that she never loved my father the way he loved her, but she knew he was a good man and she was getting older (got married at 25) and she knew he would be a good father and good provider. She also told me to never love someone more than they loved you. She still had the engagement ring that the former boyfriend had given her. After all those years she still kept it.
She kept track of the man too..she knew what he did and who he was married to ect..they even ran into each other once in a great while. He met me when I was about 15 and told me I was the spitting image of my mother at that age and how much he had loved her. YUK...creepy..plus I don't look like my mom at all..I look like my dad's side of the family.
Anyways, to cut to the chase...my father passed away unexpectedly 1.5 years ago. They had stayed married almost 53 years but both of them were miserable.
A week after my father died, my mother looked up her old beau...his wife had died (3rd wife) and he was single. 2 months later my mom moved in with him. Sweet?? Maybe to some people..I find it sickening...and hard as I can..I really can't say I'm happy for my mom.
Moral of the story..get out sweetie...get out now. Please don't go through the hell that my father went through! He told me once that marriage was never 50/50, one person always loved more, one always gave more..but in my parents case it was like 90/10. My mother treated my dad terribly because she never loved him or respected him, just took him for what she could get because she couldn't have the man she wanted.
Get yourself a good lawyer and do everything you can to be treated fairly and love those children. Their mother is a selfish woman and they will need the love of a good father.
I wish you well sir...please walk away and find someone who loves you...and only you.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 May 2015):
Ouch, it would hurt. I however, see the bright side here. The truth is that she is absolutely not the right person for you. So by getting rid of her and moving on you will be freeing yourself to find the right woman for you.
I don't see any hope for this relationship, just more pain if you try to stick around. Pull the band aid off!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2015): Your wife professes she has always loved someone who chose NOT to marry her. Without knowing all the details, this suggests to me that she is the kind of woman whose deeper emotions get triggered by abandonment and/or rejection by a man. This often occurs in women who have had a traumatic experience of abandonment or neglect (by either parent, but especially the father) during their upbringing. Surprisingly, at the time that this happens, it may not even register to the child or adolescent as 'traumatic' - sometimes it does, sometimes not, it depends on how the individual is 'set' personality wise ie. some will express trauma and grief, others go numb or 'bury' their feelings as a way of coping.In later life, the long term effects of this kick in. These type of women get drawn to emotionally unavailable men and the danger is ALWAYS that they will abandon or reject them. The man may hurt them in any number of other ways, but the bottom line is that it's always the fear of rejection and abandonment that keeps these women hooked. The man will very often have some sort of personality disorder where he just can't commit to her and provide security (which she wouldn't be drawn to in any case). Often he will just be an alcoholic who is unreliable (so she can never be quite certain of where he stands) or he might be a drug addict or married to someone else, or a womaniser or have a mental illness. All of these things are the things that make him unavailable to her. And this unavailability has her hooked.The woman is attracted to him and is driven, at all costs, to try to secure his love once and for all. This compulsion is like an addiction. And it's like that because, underneath everything, she's trying to resolve the original hurt caused by a parent, especially a Dad (although it can sometimes be by the mother). In fact, she does NOT love the man in question. She is simply addicted to the extremely intense feelings she gets when he 'returns' to her. This is like an addict getting his or her fix. The kind of love that stable men bring is pleasant for her, but it just doesn't give her this intense 'fix'.I think this may be the pattern that your wife is in. Ironically, it may only be by treating her badly that you gain her attention - but this won't be love, it will simply be her switching to someone who she feels might hurt her, and trying to get her fix from you.If you want to and think its worth it, you can try to encourage her to go to counselling - I'd suggest she go by herself - to see if there is something in her past that's triggering all of this. It sounds to me like she sensed, logically, that the guy she professes to 'love' was no good for her and she has really tried to be satisfied with the stable kind of love that you bring - but she can't be, it's impossible. It's like asking a snake to mate with a gorilla - it just won't work and there's a sense in which neither party can be blamed.What you do have a right to feel angry about, however, is that she has not taken responsibility for how her actions might be hurting you in all this time. In that sense, she has behaved selfishly, by not facing up to why she is acting in the way she has.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (23 May 2015):
I am very sorry because you sound like a genuine loving man and you do not deserve this. This woman has used you and she is still using you. Living with you for as long as is convenient to her, saying she will divorce you when she gets back on her feet. From the way her feelings and moods/words were fluctuating, it sounds like this affair has been going in for a good while. She was chopping and changing her mind as a reaction to how things were going between her and this man.
My advice? Lawyer up and get legal advice on when would be best to divorce her. Set up custody agreements regarding your daughter and if you find yourself unable to cope please see your doctor. Your feelings and reactions are very normal given the situation. I hope your wife realises one day what a good man she had in you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 May 2015):
 Sorry, I'd divorce her. But I would encourage her to find a job asap THEN divorce her, so you don't have to pay alimony on top of child support.
THIS was NEVER about you not being good enough, not spending enough time or any other excuse SHE used to make YOU feel inadequate. SHE should NOT have dated and married YOU, when she was still hooked on another guy.
Get a lawyer, get the ball rolling. As I see it you are wasting emotions feeling sorry for her, she is ONE selfish (insert whatever word you think is fitting) woman, who have put herself first over and over, at the cost of her kids, you and this dude's wife and kids as well. GET a GOOD lawyer.
I'm sorry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): If I could be there, I'd pour you a glass of wine and we'd sit and talk. Maybe your marriage was a marriage of convenience; she needed a good man to take care of her, and her two kids. You don't regret being there for the kids, do you? That should be of some consolation. You do admit, there were problems; so it's not like this sprung out of nowhere.
I see a bit of narcissism in her behavior. It appears she gets pleasure out of your pain. It is uncertain why it was necessary to tell you that she always cared for someone else; but use these cold words as an antidote to your feelings for her. I sense that some of the words were simply said in bitterness, and were not really heart-felt. If she wants a divorce, whether they were said in bitterness is irrelevant. She probably thinks she means it.
If this guy was so great, he would have left his wife for her. He didn't, he chose his family. How does that make her look?
Apparently she doesn't mean as much to him as she thought.
It's not just about his kids; that's the obvious and convenient excuse. It was about secrecy and cheating.
Its as cheap and sleazy as any other affair.
It was a tryst, and they got caught. She wants to make something meaningful and real of it; so it won't be seen for what it is. Purely carnal, disrespectful to you, and unadulterated betrayal. So she's being mean; because you get the benefit of seeing her get dumped for all the trouble. You also got told by the scorned wife, who made you see your wife for who she really is. She's pissed about that. She surely thought she had you fooled. She's totally pissed they got caught! The truth will out itself!
There isn't much anyone can say that will make you feel any better; considering you still live with her, and she is probably there as you're reading my words. Empathy or sympathy will bring you small comfort. So I will give you words of wisdom to carry with you through your journey forward.
I know how it feels to allow my feelings to take a strong hold and be told I made a mistake. It rips your heart out.
That is only a temporary reaction; because we are built to rebound from such shock. We feel the trauma as a tremendous weight that we'll drag around for a long-time; because love is hard to give-up once it sets-in. You learn to accept the reality. Plain and simple.
You'll start to realize the futility of holding on to her; so you refocus those feelings where they are accepted. The children. As long as she's there, so are the children. Give them all the love you can. Hold all of them in your arms and make them feel the full force of your fatherly love for them. You will be surprised how much strength you'll draw from their love back at you! Betrayal has a sting like nothing else.
You've got to have a real-time talk with someone closest to you, just to allow those pent-up thoughts to come out. You can cry, but it's not the same as a one on one talk with a friend, your mother, father, or a sibling. Men usually try to deal with their feelings in seclusion. You don't have to be overly emotional, just get a few things off your chest with a good listener. Reading our words may help, but you need the company of someone you know. Don't lean on anybody, just find someone who is willing to listen. Someone you care for is better than a counselor or therapist at times like these. You need a loving shoulder to rest your head on. Don't turn to sex or seek a female. That isn't what I mean. I mean a good talk with someone who connects with you in the family-sense. It did wonders for me.
You wife feels used, and ashamed. She is being nasty to you; because she knows how pathetic she looks and how rotten she seems to you. So she shows you disdain as if you did something to counter hearing you say cutting words. I beg that you don't say anything you'll regret. Feel free to tell her how wrong she was for not being honest, you deserve your closure and your say. She is delaying that as long as she can fend it off. Don't expect an apology or a TV-style reconciliation. She has already said she loved someone else. She doesn't want you to address her behavior.
So, get a divorce as she has requested. You'll regain your strength, because we are built to recover from these things.
That's life. Sometimes things just workout this way.
My heart and prayers for you, sir!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): Nope. I felt similar.The one part I could NOT comprehend? How he never felt what you describe as "remorseful". (BUT it is difficult to feel that way if you have no morals in the first place...)He felt/behaved as the world owed him something and as if I (!!!) pushed him to do what he did with my inattention,blah-blah (like your wife has). I'm SURE that IF that problem got fixed he'd find ANOTHER invented problem to blame ME for this (easier than blaming himself, I reckon).Also, it did NOT matter what I tried- everything I (!!) did was wrong, everything she did was the bee's knees.She is selfish. And you could thank her for 2 things now- ]1) for getting out of your life (thigh I'd try to speed up this for the benefit of your mental health) 2) your beautiful daughter.She can NOT take her away from you and you'll always have your daughter's love (divorced or not). You need to stay strong and take good care of yourself so that you can always be there for your daughter when she needs you.
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