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age
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*olf1550
writes:How did I get into this?I am a retired/disabled mechanical engineer. My disability is neuropathy, but I do not have diabetes. I live with extreme pain everyday.I married my Wife in 1993, and I married my best friend. I love her with all my heart.When we first got together, our sex drive was real close. We had a hard time keeping our hands off of each other. I had gone through a nasty divorce, and I lived alone for 2 1/2 years. I learned a lot about myself during that time. She was going through a divorce when we met. She was very upfront about it, and we have been honest about everything. I know I have never cheated on her, and I believe she has never cheated on me since we got married. There was one situation on her part during a bachelorette party and a male stripper that I found out about, (Oral), but we had just started going together, and had made no promises to each other yet.Through 27 years we have not strayed. Now here's my issue.She has went through some medical issues, (menopause, cancer, septic shock and a UTI,). Due to these issues, she no longer has any desire for sex. I still do, although it is not as strong as it used to be, the desire is still there. We had talked about this for a long time, and it has been 8 years since we made love.She tells me to go find someone that will have sex with me but she doesn't want to know about it. I have a very hard time doing that. I desire her, not anyone else.What is the best way to proceed? Do I just not have sex, and let it make me crazy? Or do I find some outlet? She ever offered me a trip to a legal bordello in Nevada as a gift. I don't think I could handle her knowing I was cheating on her. My ex cheated on me, and it hurt me a lot. I never want to be the cause of any pain to her. She said she'd rather know I was enjoying myself, and not have to masturbate for relief. 90% of myself says not to do it, even with her approval, but that 10% says find some way to release the tension. I know in my heart that cheating is not an option, but I wonder if anyone has some idea that I have not considered.Thanks for your time, Wolf.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2020): I don't believe any of this nonsense; and now see it's just to get attention.
Best of luck, my friend!
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female
reader, hilary  +, writes (27 May 2020):
 I know guys who are much younger than you who have a far better understanding about women, how they tick, their emotional and sexual needs and how to please them and get on "their good side". I also know lots of mature ladies who use the excuse they are too tired, too ill, too depressed etc to bother with their guys for any form of physical intimacy because their guys are so lacking and a total turn off to them.One of the biggest turns off is when a man talks about sex with his woman as if she is just an object, just there to deliver the goods. Like some sort of machine. This is bad enough when the woman is young and healthy, but when she is older and not well it will be the last straw.I want it ! I want sex! Me Me Me. And to the woman it should be let's have a cuddle, let us have a kiss and smile together, let us hold hands and romance, let us just be together and maybe the rest follows naturally. To the woman it is making love, romance, not sex, not it, not doing something. Doing something is when you hoover the carpet or peel a potato.Why do you think so many men have to pay for sex? It is because they are either too old for the women they want, too married,too busy, too crap at it, lacking in some big way or ways.There are two sorts of prostitutes. One sort works in a brothel, works as a call girl, hangs a red light outside her door and charges so much for such and such. The other is the bored housewife who married for security and a roof over her head, a breadwinner to pay the bills. And in return promised to supply cooked meals, housework and sex. But hating every second of it. These are the sort who eventually have excuses for not bothering anymore.Because they were really glorified housekeepers in a business arrangement, not a real wife or lover or partner.Sadly most do not think about it or realise that they got into such an "arrangement" until it is too late and then they have to put up with all that goes with it because they are too poor or too ill to be able to end the "relationship" and start again. So they lie to get through one day at a time and make the most of it.Lots of older men pay a mistress or for casual sex and think they are clever and lucky, it never occurs to them that if they had been more picky about who they married or how they handled the marriage they could have got all of those needs fulfilled by their wife, without needing two women and two lots of expense.Unfortunately both you and your wife are blind to reality in some ways. You both seem to believe that if you want to go elsewhere you simply pick out some woman who is much too young and sexy to be interested in a married man or old man and problem is sorted. With no thought to this poor woman and how she would not be interested. There is nothing in it for her and a huge list of reasons why she would say no. But both of you seem to be too cold and selfish to think of her needs or whether this would be fair to her. As if she is some sort of sacrifice that you can just use and spit out to suit your own needs.You see if a nice person was in your situation and they had the opportunity to use a naive stupid woman for sex so that they could stop themselves being frustrated or spending a fortune on professionals they would feel too guilty and too bad about doing it.You asked what other alternatives there are . You can buy a masturbation machine, you can pay to ring sex chat lines.I know of three men who are in similar situations to you, yet younger than you, who would much rather go without sex than think of any of them. Because they truly do love their wife.And would rather be with her and be a decent husband to her than do anything sleazy which is not really enjoyable when it is with the wrong person.
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reader, Wolf1550 +, writes (26 May 2020):
Wolf1550 is verified as being by the original poster of the question First off, I said when we first got together we were having sex 6 times a day. right now it just does not happen, and I understand why. If it were just that she didn't want to, I'd look at it different. It not her fault.
She has a very valid medical reason, not as some have it put it, I don't want to and you shouldn't either. She is the most loving, caring Lady I have ever known. I am very happy in my marriage that I married my best friend.
If I have to just suck it up, that is exactly what I will do.
The only thing I want to add is that there are times I have major pain also. At one time my old Doctor had me on the equivalent of 780 units of OxyContin a day. It took me a long time to get off all narcotics. I have had both hips replaced, 5 bowel blockages, and thru a nasty set of Pulmonary embolisms. Now I have to take Warfin and carefully eat so I don't end up in the hospital again. I have neuropathy, but I am not diabetic, so I don't fit in the neat little molds. To understand neuropathy, put your feet in ice water for 5 minutes, and that is how mine feel all day, everyday and night. I also have Agent Orange issues.
She needs me, and I need her. I was trying to understand the Woman's side of it. Does she feel bad about it? I sometimes open my mouth before the brain is engaged.
I am not trying to brag, I am not trying to imply something that isn't there. I am a very literal person, probably too much so.
This is my 5th serious relationship I have ever been in, and I am her 3rd husband. She is my 2nd Wife.
If I could love someone more, I don't know how. Everything else is so perfect and here I am complaining about one thing.
I am sorry I took your time.
Wise OwlE, Looking back, I can see how you may think, but in truth, I don't give a crap if you are buying it or not. I am not writing in to impress anyone. I wrote in to gain understanding. I will be the first one to say I do not understand how things look to women.
JLS022, Please don't feel bad. Other than one thing I have the greatest Wife there ever was. We are actually very happy together, and I keep my needs on the shelf. As long as I can continue to do that, we are doing great. I know for a fact that if I started anything with any other woman, I would hold her up to my Wife, and she could not, in my eyes come out equal to my Bride. That would be totally unfair on my part.
My sex life started at 10 with an aunt. I was taught that a man's job is to make a woman orgasm, as many times as he can. That was enforced with other relationships.
I wish I could re-boot my brain, and clear all the negative out. You have given me some insight, and that helps. I thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2020): You rascal, I sense a little bragging and exaggerating; but I'll capitulate. I now have a better understanding of your wife's situation; and there may be little that medical science can do for someone of such an advanced age, who has also suffered so many serious medical infirmities.
I don't believe most of the nonsense about sex six times a day; nor am I so gullible as to believe your sex-drive is so high. I think you can cool-it a bit at 68; in consideration of your wife's considerable number of medical ailments.
She's a frail old woman; and you're just a bit full of it.
I'm not buying the story.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (26 May 2020):
Thanks OP.
I feel bad for you because it’s obviously a horrible situation to be in, but honestly I don’t think you’re going to get what you want here.
Your wife has a very serious condition that means it can hurt to even hold her hand, so even if she decided suddenly that she wanted to have sex, she probably couldn’t do it. You say you don’t want to cheat either, despite her permission, so by process of elimination your only other option is to find a way to live without sex.
The usual suggestions here don’t apply. You can’t romance someone out of feeling chronic pain. You can do as many nice and selfless things as you like (and of course people should in a marriage, and not just because they think they’ll something for it either) but if she’s physically unable to meet your needs then it makes no difference.
But sadly you can’t will your own sex drive away either so it must be tough. It sounded like you were not pleasuring yourself in your first post but now you’ve clarified that you are then it’s a harder issue to give advice on.
Maybe it’s time for some out of the box thinking. Have you looked into toys/fleshlights or the like? Those apparently feel very much like sex but no cheating required. Or have you considered asking your wife if she might talk dirty to you while you pleasure yourself so it feels like she’s involved? Look for ways they might get you what you need while considering her (arguably greater) need to live as pain free a life as possible?
And one final thing. And I’ll say this as delicately as I can in case I’m wrong. It may just be the language you used, but the way you describe sex doesn’t sound very romantic at all. You talk of wanting a release and your wife being the food left out of reach of the hungry puppy, which makes it sound like it’s all about the physical sensation for you rather than intimacy and connection.
You also talk of partners telling you years after the fact that the type of sex you have been offering has been turning them off for a long time, yet you seemed to have no idea they felt that way until they snapped and blurted it out. That doesn’t sound like you give much consideration to your partner or even pay much notice to them during the act if you can’t tell that they haven’t been enjoying it for all that time.
And you talk of sex 6 times a day as if that’s the gold standard, when in fact many people would be satisfied with way less than that. So perhaps you have focused on quantity over quality over the years?
I guess what I’m getting at is perhaps your wife, although I don’t doubt she’s in a great deal of pain given her condition, has less of an incentive to try to overcome that pain if the sex she was getting wasn’t really doing it for her to begin with. I apologise if I am off the mark here but I have had partners who do all of the above and think our sex life was sizzling when I didn’t enjoy it at all. So it’s worth exploring, if nothing else because that is something that can actually be fixed.
Otherwise, I’m afraid this is where the ‘in sickness and in health’ vow is tested.
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reader, Wolf1550 +, writes (26 May 2020):
Wolf1550 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPS, yea I do masturbate. about 2 to 4 times a week.
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reader, Wolf1550 +, writes (25 May 2020):
Wolf1550 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who have responded.
More info, I am 68 and she is 70. Up until the time she started having hot flashes, we would have sex up to 6 times a day. IT was even more when we first got together.
I realize I am part of the problem, probably most of it. If I had ay way to stop my sex drive, I would. It drives me crazy. I was under the impression that my sex drive was supposed to drop off by now, but it's like I am still back in college.
She has had Non-Hodgins lymphoma, and several rounds with infections, as well as Fibro. There are times her skin hurts. I ask before I hold her hand if that hurts. I drove 50 miles round trip yesterday because she wanted Fried Chicken. I still love doing things fr her, but I am an old man, but my sex drive and mind thinks I still am 25 years old.
I still deny her nothing. I still bring flowers for no reason.
I was told by every woman I have ever been with, (eventually) that I take too long. I have been told in an angry voice that "I'm not up for a marathon f*ck!" Something that was fine when we got together is not wanted now. I hav3 done "quickies" for my partner's satisfaction, and never finished for me. I don't mind doing that at all. I have always loved giving oral, but honestly I have a hard time receiving it. I don't want her to hurt, or to do something she doesn't want to do, but I really want that release.
Man it sucks to be in my head.
One wrote this was not the time to be thinking with my little head. After 8 years of 0 sex, and 4 before that of very less sex, I'd like to know how anyone can say I am doing that?
I will never do anything that I would have to look in her eyes, and know I put that hurt there.
I guess I'd like to hear a woman's perspective on what she would want from her mate after 27, going on 28 years. My Father was also a mechanical engineer, and in the 50's and 60', it was go out drinking after you get off work. There were times he didn't come home. I know a few times he was cheating, and my Sister was proof. My Mom was never happy, but no matter what anyone would do, she was never happy. I don't wan that for my marriage. I want her to laugh and smile. I guess if I didn't still find her so attractive, it would be easier to let it go. To me it's like hanging food in front of a hungry pup, just out of reach.
Thanks for your time.
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reader, hilary +, writes (19 May 2020):
I feel very sorry for both of you but some of the ideas that have come up are not at all realistic. Your wife says you can go and have sex elsewhere... who with? Surely she realises that women do not want a middle aged married man, even a middle aged married woman is looking and can get more than just being a sexual convenience.
When a woman is sexy and wanting an affair it is for passion and fun and excitement and romance, with some it is for a man splashing the cash and being very charming and whisking her away on holidays. She is not going to settle for a guy who is poor and only wants to release himself inside her because his wife will not let him, all the time realising he loves his wife and is just an object to him. She might as well be a prostitute and get paid then. So in this situation that is all you would get, a prostitute. A fair excuse is no robbery. She gets money you get sex, neither of you can ask for more or complain later.
When a married man says he wants a woman most women run a mile. When a married woman says she wants someone she gets a very long queue of hopefuls offering, including young good looking single men, some of whom would be happy to pay because it is cheaper than going to a pro.So, quite honestly would you be this other woman's choice?
Another thing that would happen if you went to see another woman - whether a pro or "friend" is that you would be saying how much you love your wife, and how hard things are and all the rest, wanting to lean on them for emotional support and sympathy. Fair enough. The pro will gladly give it to you and say what you want to hear, because she is being paid. The "friend" will get tired of hearing it and jealous and end it.
The other thing that would happen is that you would be expecting your "friend" to be there for you, your mistress, but she would get very little in return. Is she supposed to go without sex, company and all the usual things women get from their man if you go on holiday, or at Christmas or when wife is ill? You would be asking a great deal of a virtual stranger.
As another person quite rightly said your wife was also forgetting that if you go with others there is also the chance you get obsessed or fall in love with them and then want to be with them instead, daft.
I have often spoken to men and women who talk about the woman not being able to do sex anymore but they always leave out the really relevant bits such as is she so ill or so disinterested she cannot give the man hand relief or oral sex? Surely she can do that. And if he really loves her surely he would love to lay next to her or in her arms rather than with some other woman who lets him do "the works" but where it is cold and no feelings.
There are a lot of men who are in similar situations. Some pay for sex. Some very wealthy men set up a woman who is there just for them. Some make do with paying to ring sex chat lines etc. Some get a divorce. Some make the most of how it is and thank their blessings for the good bits. Only you know which is right for you.
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reader, jls022 +, writes (16 May 2020):
OP can I ask, you say your wife doesn’t want you to have to masturbate for relief. Do you not? The answer to that question will impact my answer. Thanks
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reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (15 May 2020):
 Sir Wolf,
Unlike men who rarely try to get emotionally involved with our own needs, women on the other hand are built on emotions.
I am very sure her medical issues have attacked her emotional self worth. She maybe in pain, may have scars from surgery which makes her feel unsexy. Her life was put on a time clock with cancer, which can take the wind out of anyone's sail. Cancer means death for most people, and the meaning of life has a greater value than...sex.
For men who survive Cancer, we may want more sex, as we feel we better get as much as we can now, before we can't at all. We can think like that, because we can turn off our emotions. Women cannot, or have a very hard time doing so. They would rather spend quality time with the people they love, or enjoying the world while they still can.
You may see her fears as... Let's have all the sex we can now, while we can. She maybe looking at trying to get all the love she can before it's to late.
But there is a way to fix this...The more love she gets, the safer she will feel. The safer she feels, the more willing she will be to get back to normal life. Normal life brings the normal things...like sex.
This is not the time to be thinking with your little head. Use the big one to provide what she needs, and she will then provide what you need.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2020): No brothels or sex-workers!!! That's the most destructive and irresponsible suggestion a married-woman could make to her husband. It's almost in the same vein as telling you to go take a hike! Rejection given with a boot to the rear! Heartless at best! Besides she could also be testing you to see how far you'd go; or if you'd go for the bait. A set-up! As long as she doesn't know about it?!! Yeah, right!!! Sure that she wasn't being facetious?
If she gives you permission, and it's her idea, how could she not know about it?
Such a controversial suggestion seems okay conceived as a thought in the abstract, or when it's a fantasy or idea floating around in your head; but when it becomes reality, it is no longer the same. Once it has actually occurred; then you'll have to deal with all the unexpected consequences. Not to mention that it just might become your preferred alternative, and might become a costly habit! You might unexpectedly meet a woman, start an affair; leading to finding another wife!!! Basically, that's what she's inadvertently, unintentionally, and foolishly suggesting! Which I have tremendous doubt that she has ever suggested, without sarcasm or kidding!
In fact, the whole ridiculous idea is stupid! A detestable thing to suggest to your spouse! If in-fact you're not stretching the truth a bit; and hoping someone will advise you to follow such an absurd suggestion. That won't be me!
Wolf, unless your libido is super-human and off the charts; I think you and your wife can figure something out. You've avoided mentioning your age; because you probably didn't want to be judged. Your wife's health has only eliminated intercourse as one facet of your love-life. Getting older and health issues is something all couples eventually face. It only means one aspect of your marriage may have hit an impediment; but you shouldn't lose hope. You'll figure-out a mutually-beneficial way to compensate; without resorting to regrettable extremes.
There are always ways to compromise. There are creative-ways people who still love each other find to satisfy all their needs and desires. It doesn't require them to go outside of their marriage. It doesn't necessarily mean sex should be entirely eliminated. If she is willing and still loves you as she claims; she should see the doctor and consider treatments and options available through modern science and medicine that may restore her libido. If she would go to extremes like sending you to a prostitute; why wouldn't medical science be a better option?
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reader, Wolf1550 +, writes (14 May 2020):
Wolf1550 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat is an excellent answer, but one thing stands in the way. Due to her illness, her hands and arms have no strength, and she can not even rub the medicine in my feet. It just tires her out so much she usually stays in bed the rest of the day.
I'll am going to be by her side for whatever time we have left. I see her going downhill, and recover some, then drop a little bit lower than she was before. Her mind is going also, so sometimes she has little or no short-term memory.
I have to remain strong for her, and I will. She stayed right by my side through some dark times for me. I have tried consoling, but I have only found one therapist that got me, and she has retired. All the others I have been to, once they find out I was a Army Ranger in Vietnam, want to put everything on PTSD. While that may be an issue, it's not the whole problem.
Thank you for your time, and suggestion. I just hope she gets better enough that I could do the massage to her.
I am still very attracted to her. Almost like our first date where we stayed out in the parking lot so long they turned off the lights. We still laugh about that.
I love her so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2020): I think it is a miracle if anyone is still having sex with the same partner after 27 years.
I don't know anyone who has managed it.
Life just comes around and slaps you in the face and illness and bereavement and even newborn babies and inquisitive teenagers can take their toll.
All I can suggest is that you get her to agree to a weekly massage with a scented oil.
Don't do anything more than a massage at first and try to find a time when she will agree to massage you, once a week or at least every second week.
Eventually this tactile experience might rekindle old desires so that both of you together can cautiously start sex again like two teenagers with restrictions and low expectations and easy satisfaction.
But if you regularly watch porn you will have to give it up.
Wifey doesn't want to be considered a sex worker or treated like one or compared to one!
Those gentle massage sessions should encourage her to think beyond the porn factor so give it a try!
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