A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have a very small house and we are both packrats in our own ways. For example, she has a thing with coffee mugs and has about 40 of them while I don’t use them at all but I have a lot of electronics accessories like cables, batteries, and so on. She hates clutter but her idea of cleaning up is to take everything, put it in plastic containers, and stack them. Therefore, we are surrounded by plastic containers. That doesn’t bother me but the problem is that she doesn’t organize anything or at least in no way that makes sense to me. Right now I am looking at a container that has books, a camera, some USB cables, and a stuffed dog. Maybe she just has her own methods, but the problem is nothing is indexed and she has a bad memory so she doesn’t know where anything is. When I need something she can’t tell me what she did with it. This upsets me and we get into a big fight about it. She keeps track of her own stuff, but not mine. So the solution is for me to pack my stuff and let her deal with hers, right? The issue is that she moves my stuff around. For example, I had a closet with my stuff in it and when I went to find something I discovered the closet was packed with her stuff and mine was missing. She can’t remember what she did with it. I know she didn’t throw it out but for example my business suits were in there. I rarely wear a suit but I needed to and when I went to get one they were gone. Turns out she had hung them in a closet above the cat litter which means not only do they smell but moths got to them because there weren’t in their protective plastic and the cedar blocks were still in the original closet. This means she ruined literally thousands of dollars worth of my clothes. She isn’t apologetic about it and she says “I told you I was moving your stuff.” I don’t remember that but more to the point that was MY closet. Now it is full of her stuff. She doesn’t respect my space or my things. I work full-time and she stays home full-time so she has a lot more time to “tidy up” than I do. It also means my stuff is constantly shuffled around. It is frustrating and she doesn’t seem to think that’s a problem. It is so bad I can’t live like this anymore. I suggested we clean up together but now that everything is in boxes we will need to unpack it. She doesn’t want to do that because it will make a mess. Well, yes, but only temporarily. She says she can’t look at it and when I point out that all the kitchen cabinets and closets are full of her stuff because she has moved mine out and packed it away she gets defensive. Is there a way forward, because this seems like a simple issue but I really think about getting a divorce over this. Having all of her stuff out of the house and having time for me to put things away so that I can actually find them seems like a really pleasant dream. I know it is just “stuff” but it drives me crazy and yet she thinks I am somehow the entire problem with my clutter. Well, she has clutter too and a lot of the reason she doesn’t is that she has taken over all the storage space for herself!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 September 2023):
 How about the two of you sit down and have a talk about HOW to organize your OWN stuff?
As someone who likes to sew, embroider, and make jewelry, I have a lot of "things". It's organized and out of the way. My husband has his "stuff" organized and out of the way. I don't mess with his "stuff", and he doesn't mess with mine.
I think you two also need to have a limit to the things you collect. Let's say X amount of plastic totes. They need to have a clearly agreed-upon space.
I get why you are mad, she treated your stuff (business suits) like trash. She doesn't respect your things.
If you two can't come to an agreement on HOw to do this TOGETHER and with RESPECT for each other and each other's things, then you need to decide your next move.
You bring up divorce. It's not just about your "stuff". It's about her blatant disrespect.
Maybe if the two of you can find a neutral third party to help negotiate, you both get to have your own AREAS and that needs to be respected.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2023): Look, the problem is that your relationsip can be boile dto "pot calling a pan black". You need to seriously separate your space, which means that areas liek kitchen and bathroom should be no man's land where you need to go minimalist and declutter and keep your stuff in your own rooms the way you like it.
Now, having said that. You would benefit both from therapy. Hoarding can be dealt with, but if you leave it untreated it gets worse. Seriously worse.
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