A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:married. long time. beautiful home, animals, no kids. love her, really really do, just never developed much sexual chemistry, when that was something really important for both of us before we got married. felt lonely, sad. years later - last year - cheated. thought it was a tryst. wasn't. fell deeply in love with lover. everybody found out. wife heart broken. angry. her husband same. she has kids. marriage counselling 3 months. i re-contacted lover. got caught. idiot. made things worse. much worse. trial seperation. deciding what to do. living alone. feeling really really on edge at times. (in therapy, on medication, trying to decide if i have some love addiction issues, etc)i think i'm trying to decide if this midlife crisis really merits an entirely new life, and everything changed. or if i can change, we (me and wife) can change enough to find happiness. has anyone found a NEW INTIMACY after not having one for quite a few years? is this possible? it is clearly there with my lover. she is waiting to know what i'm doing. is planning on leaving her husband. wife wants an answer too.so transition as lovingly as i can to new woman. go back to wife, and try like hell to change everything, break all the patterns, try and create sex, intimacy without much attraction or desire, or live alone for a year or two, getting re-balanced about all this.thank you for your thoughts! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, garcypher  +, writes (2 June 2009):
You want to be with your wife but don't fancy her. You got nothing to lose by trying open relationship, or you could end up with nothing; just seeing your kids once or twice a week as I do. Estranged from your wife. Ask her, she might be all for it concidering you both had a normal sexual appitite before you met.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks Anonymous Male,
i didn't realize that....it is almost comical now, or at least your description of her is. i agree. she's like a dark storm of anger. A shakespearean witch.
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A
female
reader, shania +, writes (1 June 2009):
 Ok, if you really do miss your lover, you want to be with her 100% then go and be with her...life is too short,and also...if your willing to take on her children then you must be really keen on her.....Remember it takes alot of serious thinking and committment to take on another man's kids, but if you love her enough then do it.......
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): The anonymous female is a regular here on infidelity-realted threads, spouting terrifyingly hateful venom of Old Testament savagery in the general direction of anyone who fits her description of 'adulterers'. Doesn't take Einstein to deduce that she was once hurt badly by something of that nature and has not taken it well, to put it mildly. Couldn't presume to advise you what to do, personally, for which I apologise.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionanonymous,
please leave this problem alone. you are not helping. your posts are actually not relevant. thank you for your effort though. please know when to back off.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionnow i know why the anonymous female is anonymous. she is a sabateur. projecting all her anger from her own messed up life i guess. i've never seen such negativity, when this is suppose to be helpful forum. please go get counseling. you've reminded me no matter how bad my situation is, at least i don't carry around that much vitriol. thank god. wow, you really misread the situation. the mistress by the way was on her way out of 24 years of unhappy marriage. that's how off base you are.
and we are suppose to just stay in marriages that don't work anymore - that sounds like a healthy life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): "will hate me no doubt. but life is complicated and years later they may appreciate that their mother loves somebody in a way she never did before." You indicate that you choosing your lover is a forgone conclusion.
your lover is waiting in the wings for you, you made this evident with your post.
stop playing this tormented soul as per your initial posts. you are a sane man, who knows exactly what he is doing. so please stop this emotional basketcase story. your wife may fall for your nonsense, but i will not. you are sane, you have your wits about you. you just need to put your choice into action, and stop messing about with everyones emotions. its like you hold the key to everyones happiness. who died and made you mr. boss. you are playing a very dangerous game by putting peoples lives on hold while you sort out your emotional crises, you and your lover created.
all i am saying is BE MAN ENOUGH.................. and not a drama queen. as you have been so far. you f*cked up BIG TIME.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionby the way, i'm not with my lover anymore. why did you assume i was? we broke it off over a month ago, to see how things develop.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): you are so full of inconsistencies. cut the drama. you are not a drama queen for good ness sake. you are a MAN, who needs to account for his actions. Are you looking for sympathy or the truth of the mess you have made in so many people’s lives? what with you both causing 2 families pain, heartache, misery and devastationstats darling- only 3% of people who cheat and get together survive after the first 2 years. read all of the posts here. i am sure you believe your situation puts you in the 3%, don't you. you are leaving both your wife and your mistress in limbo as you decide what to do. who to choose. either way you lose. why? because you are not a morally sound man. your words are mere words, mere words told told to your wife when you got caught the first time. then you got caught the second time. your mistress too. what is she by the way, just hellbent on destroying her husband. your mere words, with no proper action is just words. you have not lived by your good words thus far and do you think you would. Just how morally corrupt is she too. You have posted that she is waiting to leave her hb. Will she leave him after you leave your wife? In the meanwhile she will continue to steal his resOurces and his finances while with him. Your mistress is playing the waiting game. WHY? my thought right now is just for your wife and your lover's husband. you and your mistress has sowed pain and suffering. do you think you will be happy together. you will definitely reap what you both have sowed. that is a guarantee. and you know it. you make this post all about you. lets look at your wife. lets hope she in fact tells you NO MORE. let her get on with her life, she is young enough. let her move on to a faithful someone. hey why not your lovers husband? in fact both your wife and him will be suitably matched. don't you think so. then you and your lousy seconds mistress have have each other and help destroy each other. so far you both have done an excellent job destroying your wife and the lover's husband. you are really so LUCKY. you still have choices. what do the others have? You claim that your lover is not happy in her marriage. Of course she is not. She is lusting after someone else’s hb. Instead of trying to fix and work at her marriage she just opens her legs to another married man. That is her idea of solving her marital issues. Bottom line – both you and your lover need to end both your marriages. It will give your decent respective spouses a chance to live their lives with decent people who are definitely out there. They should not be kept in limbo as you and your lover contemplate what to do next. Guilt , what guilt? Adulterers do not feel guilt. They only feel with what is bet their legs. “Next intimacy?” for goodness sake you are talking about lust. Lust that has consumed you and lust that will prove to be your final downfall. “of course i'll feel lots of pain either way...” nonsense! The only people feeling pain is your wife and your lovers hb. Those are the only ones who are getting a raw deal here. Call your affair whatever you want. But remember an affair is just still an affair, no matter what other nice, romantic words you use. Wife, lover, solitude? Your mind is already made up to be with your married lover, so please cut the crap and act like a responsible man. If there is only 1 person you can be truly honest with, that person is yourself. So, start being honest with yourself. Do not wait for the trial period to end. Just end your marriage. We all know that your bed has been made with this married woman it is just a matter of time to be man enough and have the balls to put into action your thought process. You owe your wife at least this. You have stolen too many years from her already don’t you think you need to do the honourable thing here and release her so that she can move on to someone better.I am very curious to know this. You read the stats – Pray do tell, will you be part of the 3 % i mention above. Would be interesting to find out!there is a saying, do not build your happiness on someone else's heartache and pain. sadly this is so apt in what you have done.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): the only reason you cannot be sexually compatible with your wife is that you have been getting it from this married woman. plain and simple. you are getting it from another kind soul who is not also giving it to her hb.
maybe if the lover is out of the equation then your relationship will improve in leaps and bounds. while you are still with your lover, you are still an adulterer who only cares for himself and his mistress. you f*cked up man. so be man enough in this situation. not good at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow. tough crowd. shania, if i do your exercise, it seems like i'm making a choice out of fear, rather than passion and dreams. of course i'll feel lots of pain either way, but is the measure of pain where the truth lies? hmm. not the measure of love? i don't know.
and to answer number 3. how do you get interested in someone sexually that you are no longer interested in? sitting in counseling is really going to get us hot again?
i'm not sure, i'm just asking...
number 4. no i miss her. and love her. and all of the layers of her. and finally the sex. but i miss her.
and do all of you think this other woman is happy in her marriage. she is not. and do you think the kids are happier the way it is? of course i can't take over as father. they will hate me no doubt. but life is complicated and years later they may appreciate that their mother loves somebody in a way she never did before.
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A
female
reader, shania +, writes (31 May 2009):
These are the questions you have to ask yourself........
1)Can you imagine life without your wife?
2)Can you imagine life without your lover? what pains you more?
3)If it was just sexual boredom that was causing you to stray, then you have a very good chance in saving your marriage, and thats by discussing your sexual needs and desires to your wife, spicing up your sex life, discussing your problems together with a sex counsellor.
4)If you have spent time apart from your lover and you are missing her badly, you need to clarify on whether its the sex your missing from her or whether you really do love her? but you cant expect the other woman to wait forever for you....Really the 1st two questions are the ones you should be asking yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): "love her, really really do" this confused me, so many contradictions.
2 homes being destroyed. in the end you know you will not be with your lover. the odds are stacked against you.
this is reality. not a half baked fantasy. in life we choose to do the right things, not only for us but for the people all around us to.
we take responsibility for our actions. we realise our wrong doings.
do you honestly think you can be father TO YOUR LOVERS KIDS? YOU have none of your own. whose choice was this. men that do not have kids very rarely meet the emotional and life needs of other men's kids. realise this, your lover comes with baggage. she is already someone elses wife. what realsitic chance is there to everlasting happiness with this morally corrupt woman who cheated on her husband twice already, what number were you in her list of unfaithfulness. open your eyes, my friend, and smell the stink around you. that stink which you created! meds or not, you created a unhealthy situation which you only have yourself to blame. you destroyed your wife and slowly you are destroying yourself by still contemplating being with your lover. you are living in fantasy land if you think otherwise. be a man and do the right thing, if it is the only thing you do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni don't think those work. and neither woman is really the open relationship type. i think i'd be better suited for it than they would.
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A
male
reader, maxstuff2003  +, writes (31 May 2009):
 sir i will suggest you to go back to ur wife,discuss talk talk n talk discuss wot was happening in ur life wot is goin on right now,n talk tell her all the truth,wotever is in ur heart,just go and tell her,in my opinion say gudbye to ur lover i knw it's nt easy as u really like her,..she has kids..it's better to solve it right nw don't ruin ur life ur wife's life n the other women children .. give it a try don't feel lonely the day you marry ur wife she becomes ur part you can say you are half without her,..!
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A
male
reader, garcypher +, writes (31 May 2009):
Maybe an open relationship would suit you both better that cheating. That way you both get your satisfaction and live happily together, and maybe it might breathe some fire into your sex life with each other.
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