A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:A few years ago my wife reconnected with an old boyfriend via Facebook. She did not tell me about it, but I found out indirectly. He is married with two kids and he wanted to meet her for dinner while he was on a business trip to LA without his wife. (He lives in San Francisco.) When I found out about that I was upset, but what made me furious is that my wife pretended she was still single. Why would she do that and why didn't she tell me?Anyway, I found out about it and I confronted her. I told her I didn't appreciate her lying about being single and that she should cut off contact with him or else I would tell his wife what he's been up to.She said it was harmless and I was overreacting. It has been a few years since then without any contact that I know of but I found out today that the two of them have been communicating again since April. No meetings or anything, but I feel betrayed.I don't want him contacting her. I don't want her contacting him. I realize I can't control them, but I sure as hell can tell his wife to see if she feels the same way I do. It is taking all of my self-restraint not to do that right now which is why I am reaching out to you Aunts. Why shouldn't I let his wife know what he's been up to? If it's harmless then who cares, right? Otherwise, I want him to either get lost or else court my wife honestly. I am disgusted by the both of them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2021): We all like to be friendly with an ex. The good times history is there. Always nice to get past the wrinkled breakup. Don't go telling his wife, that's so high school. They're not having sex, they're chatting on Facebook. Give her a longer leash.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 January 2021):
 Instead of involving HIS wife, make a choice for YOURSELF.
The choice is, IS my wife's actions (with regards to this man) a deal breaker or not?
If it IS, then end the marriage, walk away. People (for the most part) will treat you how YOU allow them to treat you. For her? Well, she presumed she could just LIE and you would suck it up. She lied to HIM too, mind you, so he is no more important or special to her than you are. This is all about HER and what SHE wants. HER feelings. HER wants.
Why would she say she is single? Because she WANTED to BE single. It's pretty simple.
Why did she talk to his ex-bf behind your back and set up a meet up? Because she wanted to do whatever SHE wanted to do. Again, pretty simple.
And why DID she break the promise to YOU and stop talking to him? Because SHE wanted to talk to him. Again, simple.
In ALL the choices she made that ended up with her lying to him about being single, flirting and chatting him up, to planning to meet etc. HOW many times do you think she though of your marriage? Thought of your feelings?
My guess is VERY little. She still doesn't seem to give a shit. The attitude of what YOU don't know can't hurt you is her approach. Though if it does hurt you, well tough.
She would probably be the kind of poster who would be upset that YOU try and "control her" - "that it's all harmless flirting and you won't let her have friends".
What kind of attitude is that IN a marriage?
There is ONE thing you CAN control. And that is HOW you react to HER actions. Telling HIS wife? Might no do shit all FOR you. It might even HELP your wife and this philandering husband.
If you are smart, I would contact a divorce lawyer.
Why be in a marriage where your wife seems to not give a shit? And this has been going on for years? You can't trust her, that is for sure. You are becoming "intrusive" in order to try and "control" her - which means YOU are becoming a toxic version of yourself. It's NOT your job to spy on your wife to ENSURE she behaves. THAT is HER job to KNOW how to behave with integrity, respect and decency. Even if you check ALL her messages, there is no way you CAN ensure SHE behaves. It will make YOU sick and bitter. Which is no way to live.
Set yourself free, OP
Your marriage was not as sound and you thought or she wouldn't have pretended to be single and reach out to an ex in the first place. (NOT that it is YOUR fault, but perhaps you were BOTH ignoring the marriage? Her by starting something on the side (emotionally) with her ex and you by ignoring red flags?
Sorry OP. There is no magic solution to make your wife a decent person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2021): Hi
Please try not to loose your temper with anyone and really take a good silent look at the truth of your marriage and who you both are as people.
Think about YOU and what you are willing to accept. Do you feel that you deserve better, I certainly would. Is this wife of yours lacking in integrity, is integrity of any importance to you, is this the type of person you want to live your life with. Do you love her that much that you are prepared to do nothing.
Bottom line is your marriage is flawed in some way, especially in the way that she stated that she was single, a blatant lie.
All it takes, is for you to examine yourself and your own morals. Yes, you can stop her from making contact but underneath she WANTED too, so it's false security.
It really depends on what you want from life, it does not matter what we expect, which often leads to disappointment's it matters how we want to live our life.
Do you want to forever be checking her Facebook account and feeling anxious or anger about her shallow behaviour and deceits. She has shown her true character and unless counselling can help you both, life will not get much better.
I would not recommend telling 'His' wife, in time she will find out, or may be she is ok with it.
I would choose happiness and quietly walk away in the pursuit of a fresh start with THE optimism of a happy life. If a marriage partner lies and says they are single, then let them live the title.
Marriage is not a badge you take on and off as it suits.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2021): She secretly went on a date with an ex. And she is again having contact with him.
She does not respect you or your marriage. The fact that she temporarily cut contact with him, (maybe) when you threatened to expose him to his wife shows her commitment to him not to you or your marriage.
You don't say how long you have been married or if you have children. But I have to ask; why are you still with a woman who disgust you? I suppose you could again demand that she cease contact, perhaps she will or she'll get better at hiding it. You can also ask for marriage counseling. But why? As I said at the top she doesn't respect you or your marriage. Why should you work on saving that?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (16 January 2021):
 While I can fully understand your desire to lash out, why would you want to hurt someone else who has nothing to do with what is going on? It's not this guy's wife's fault he is making overtures to an ex girlfriend who is telling him she is single. His wife is as much a victim in this situation as you are. Don't offload your hurt onto her.
You need to accept that there is a serious problem in your marriage and that is your wife's dishonesty. Not only is she corresponding with this guy behind your back, she is telling him she is single. Why would she do that if she didn't have ulterior motives and it was all innocent and above board as she claims?
If you wife is willing to talk, you two need to sit down and discuss this honestly (if she is capable of that). You both need to talk and you both need to listen. Ultimately you cannot control your wife. You can, however, choose how to react to her dishonesty and whether you want to carry on living like this, knowing you cannot trust your wife, or whether you need to consider drawing a line under your marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2021): What on earth do you mean by this?
"Otherwise, I want him to either get lost or else court my wife honestly."
It's called having an affair, or adultery. How could it possibly be done honestly when both are still married???
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2021): If things are innocent, why would she be secretive about it?
Seems there's a big problem in your marriage, and your wife is willing to risk it all to maintain contact with her married-ex.
If she knows it upsets you, and insists on doing it; something seriously wrong is going-on. She's a married-woman, and you have every justification to be concerned; especially, when her credibility is completely shot! She has been caught twice being secretive about her contact. If it was innocent, she'd keep you informed about it. You wouldn't have to "inexplicably" keep finding incriminating-evidence.
Threatening to inform his wife, might be more to your wife's benefit; if things truly aren't on the up and up, and she is on a mission. If he gets thrown-out, or divorced; then he's free for her full-on pursuit! His wifey is then pushed out of her way! By your doing!
Cool your jets on any impulsive-moves and impetuous behavior, my friend! Your wife may be the primary culprit here, and he may be the opportunist going for the bait. Deal with your own wife, not his! Let his wife find out like you did. If she's the type in denial, she'll believe him first; and that it's all your wife's fault, and you're the one who's marriage is in trouble!
You have a good reason to ask your wife to go to marriage-counseling. Determine what the problem is in your marriage, that she would insist on connecting with a married-ex in spite of your objections? The fact she faked being single, and seems to be insistent on a rendezvous with a man from her past; I seriously speculate that your marriage is in trouble, and you're the last to know. You're doing your best to stop her, and she's doing her best to get around you! What does that tell you?
If she refuses to go to marriage-counseling to open-up a dialogue to save your marriage; then maybe it's too late. You may already know why, but otherwise, you need to get to the root of what it is driving her to this guy? Meanwhile, consider a divorce. If she's hellbent on this, not much else you can do.
All evidence points towards cheating, and she doesn't seem concerned about the cost. There are two-sides to this story. That's where a marriage-counselor comes in. You two are on different wavelengths, and you need to know why that is the case? You failed to mention if you fight or have marital-problems. Evidently, you do! You don't seem interested in fixing the marriage, just protecting your male-pride.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2021): Your hope is, that in telling his wife what her husband's doing, that she will then prevent him from contacting your wife. That might work. BUT you are still left with a wife who WANTS contact with this man. Whether or not you manage to stop their contact is kind of like locking the stable door after the horse has bolted. You would still KNOW that you have a wife who would keep in contact with an ex (knowing that it upsets you), will keep that contact secret and will pretend to be single. It seems to me, that whatever you do to prevent their getting in touch now, makes NO difference to what has gone before.
As hard as it must be I would concentrate on your own backyard and leave the man's wife to find out for herself. You would retain some dignity this way instead of being someone seeking bitter revenge. The important aspect of this for you, is your wife's behaviour, not this ex of hers.
You have to decide if what your wife has done is a deal breaker for you? Has it destroyed your trust in her? Maybe have an honest talk? Leave the anger at the door and ask her why? Is your marriage lacking something? Is she still in love with him? Try to have an honest heart to heart with her, to decide where you go from here. Yes, she's betrayed you, but throwing your toys out of the pram trying to hurt others, is not going to solve the problem you face right now. Try to connect with her one person to another, find out what's in her heart. If she won't talk honestly with you and you feel you just can't trust her anymore, then you must decide your path from there.
You're angry right now and who can blame you, but anger and revenge are not going to help you.
It may well be something you'll live to regret.
Good luck.
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