A
male
age
51-59,
*ntsygivenup
writes:My wife of almost 12 years has made thousands of empty promises over the time we have been together I have wanted to let me give her a facial but it is nothing more than empty promises. We have discussed many fantasies of mine many of which are things most guys take for granted. I have been more than open on what I want everything from her wearing heels, or dressing up a little bit to dinner which she never wears anywhere or for anything to wanting her to let me give her a facial and possibly even swallowing me (something I have never done to anyone). She always uses my fantasies to entice me to what could be then it never happens. She will please me orally right until the point of ejaculation then will stroke it onto my stomach. Is this normal for a wife to make years and years and years worth of empty promises. I have given upon all of my fantasies. It is to thepoint now I dont even want them anymore because I got sick of the empty promise of them actually going to happen. Our sex life is on a pulse of maybe once a month at best. She has told me numerous times of her ex boyfriend that she used to buy condoms buy the case with her old boyfriend but she never had an orgasm with him and with me I pleasure her to the point she goes limp from the number of intense orgasms she has had. I listen to every one of her fantasies and ensure they all come true!!!! I make sure she has at multiple orgasms every time we make love; yet when we make bets about things and she loses the bets and it is time for her to "pay up" she never does. My sex drive is about ten times what hers is and I do not push her on the subject anymore at all. I have truly gotten to the frustration level where I am forcing myself to not even think of those things anymore. I am wondering if this is normal or if there is something that I am missing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): Your additional information puts a whole new complexion on this. I agree with the ladies -- she's being selfish and taking advantage of you. I had a friend with a marriage like yours -- it went from sex once in a few months to once in a few years before they split.
If an active and fulfilling sex life is important to you (and it sure sounds like it is) then it's perfectly reasonable to tell her what you need. Sounds like you've done that. The other replies have some good suggestions about what the next steps might look like. Up to you how far to take it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009): well just tell her that she is selfish and that you will not indulge her anymore. and stick to it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 May 2009):
 I'm kinda with Emily here. She tells you all these "stories" about her past sex life and how busy they got, yet doesn't want to have sex with you more then once a month with you, and you actully do make her orgasm?
Something is up. I would stop "servicing" her - with the whole maid/butler/bull in bed kinda things. I normally don't like the whole withholding sex/affections but she may need to feel what her lack of interest in you is doing. Maybe she needs to work a little ?
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (19 May 2009):
Then tell her you are not having it any more and you are going to leave if something doesn't change.
Stop acting like a maid and stop cooking and cleaning and ask her to do some stuff.
You can't just say "Oh it's crap" unless you are willing to tell HER that and stand up for yourself!
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, fntsygivenup +, writes (19 May 2009):
fntsygivenup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Emily answers
I already feel like a butler/maid I feel as her work is number one and family number two and I come in a distant third or fourth.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (19 May 2009):
Well if there is one thing we have learned from all the unhappy relationships on here it is this:
FIRST you try being nicer, talking to them, de-stressing them, helping them out.
IF they STILL treat you badly after that then you stop putting in the effort because it doesn't work. You just become a maid after a while.
If it's got this bad and you've told her how you feel and she still makes no effort then you have to ask yourself why you are sticking around. I think you need to tell her that you are having doubts about your marriage because of all this and see what she says.
It sounds to me like she's just bored. Give her something to think about so she HAS to consider you and make her more of a partner than your slave master.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, fntsygivenup +, writes (19 May 2009):
fntsygivenup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the input from all so far.
I guess after rereading some of the answers it didnt come out quite right in some aspects.
It is not as if I bring up the issues as I have been trying to forget about doing any of them as it has been a continual thing for so long with her promising she would do them. I just want to be extremely clear here she has told me she wants to do these things and enjoys these things yet it seems as if it is she is lying tome about it. That is why I gave up on them. She would use these things to try and get me to do other things. Things like you let my Mom move in for three months then I will do xxx, or on my birthday tell me how she is going to do all these things and we end up doing nothing, or going on a cruise and telling me how it is going to be a full week of fun, travel and sex and the closest thing that happens is her kissing me good night after she gets a massage from me at night. She will spend a good deal of time and money to get things for the cruise or vacation or whatever and then they always end up being travel weight as they do not get used.
It is not the act of the facial or fantasies I guess my issue is the promises and then the promise never gets fulfilled for anything. Dont get me wrong I for years wanted her to let me give her a facial or even just let me cum on her and have her put me back into her mouth and I know it is never going to happen. So I truly have been not even thinking about it until she brings it up then as any male knows you get promised things and she talks about them for days and then doesnt do them it is sort of a let down. I make sure that I dont bring them up or dont even think about them unless she does. It has gotten to the point that now when she makes promises I actually just write it off as yeah whatever it will never happen about anything and not just sexual. It is mere words for her that mean nothing.
A response tome said that
"After 11 years of marriage I can tell you this, I don't dress up a whole lot in the bed room either. I've always found it kinda lame that you need all the "extra's" in order to get turned on. However, just to keep my husband on the toes I do dress up every now and then."
I am not even talking about dressing up in the bedroom as that has not happened in close to a decade and I know that will never happen again. I am not saying she does not have lingerie or anything like that. But she has plenty as when she makes a christmas list out she always puts that she wants some on her list and then I get some for her and then it goes unworn for two years and then I throw it away. I have gone with her to stores and had her pick out ones that she likes just to make sure I am not picking out the things she does not feel comfortable in yet it is the same stays there for two years then I throw it away. I am really not talking about her dressing up in the bedroom that too was one of my desires yet it never happened. I dont need the "extras" it is her that does it for me. I just think that would be fun to once in a while.
In response to the talking to her. I have talked to her and listend to her about everything. Pillow talk is a nightly occurance for us. When it comes to fantasies I am always more than willing to do whatver it is she wants no matter if I enjoy it or not. If I know it will bring her plesure than I do it and that makes me enjoy it. If she even hints at an idea I make sure she gets what she wants. I also do this in almost every aspect of life for her the surrpise flowers once in a while the phone calls so it is not just the sexual things either. So we have talked I have talked to her about it and it seems to me that it is really one way type street on a lot of things. I always listen to her about anything that I say. If she even seems a little taken off guard then I drop the idea all together. But now I dont even fantasize anymore because I know it wont happen. I have told her how I feel about marriage and our sex life and she has even told me she wants to have more and promises we will yet we never do. It seems as if I bring it up then we have less. It is not the quantity it is the being in the momment and enjoying it for what it is. It is me wanting her to not think about anything else when we are making love but to think about it and be in themoment there and not after she has an orgasm to get up and be distracted by something else. The same way we are when we go out to dinner I might as well talk to the chair next to me. When we go out she always sits in the chair where she can see everything going on and I am sitting where I can see nothing.
She tells me that I always satisfy her for everything and then some. She has to do no housework at all, no cooking, no cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. I do all the domestic stuff make sure I am great with her family. I make sure that everything she needs wants or desires is taken care of within my control.
and in response to my sex drive I have been really just trying to deal with it and channel any drive I have to do other things. She tells me that the last guy she dated before we dated and then got married that they would have sex at least oncea day if nto twice. She also told me how she would do anything for him because she could never have an orgasm with him that she had to do something to make it interesting.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 May 2009):
All the other advice given here is right on the money.
You need to talk to her. With out acusations. And I want to echo that as a women who is not very sqirmish about sex I do not like the idea of a "facial" either, to me that is just a little to corny porn.
The whole sex drive issue is another matter. You should try and get to the bottom of why she doesn't want sex more then 1 time a month, that seems extrmely low.
After 11 years of marriage I can tell you this, I don't dress up a whole lot in the bed room either. I've always found it kinda lame that you need all the "extra's" in order to get turned on. However, just to keep my husband on the toes I do dress up every now and then.
Being able to tell your partner what you want, like, fantacies about is vital. Also being able to tell them what you DON'T like and really don't want to do. Every one has limits and that is ok. Most people will move or extend those limits as they know their partner better.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (19 May 2009):
By facial... do you mean ejaculating onto her face?
If so then no, no young guy takes that for granted and you have been watching too much porn. Some women are just never going to do that because it's horrible.
But as for heels and the other things, well I can't see why any woman would object to little things like that.
Have you talked to her about this and the fact that you feel unsatisfied? She could think that you are perfectly happy with your sex life because you never say anything and never ask for more.
You ask if there is something you are missing and the answer is yes... you don't talk to her. Sit her down and tell her you are unhappy with the way your marriage is and explain why you feel that it's unfair that she says she's not even prepared to dress up and wear heels for you but you have done lots of stuff for her.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009): I'm not entirely sure that what you're talking about is what "every guy takes for granted." I don't.
It's great that you're able to satisfy her fantasies. But in fairness some stuff you want might simply be repulsive to her. I've heard lots of women complain about the whole facial thing, for example. Ya, she should be honest about it, but for whatever reason she's avoiding the issue by not "paying up."
I have to wonder if she's picking up on your stress about the fantasy thing specifically, and your higher sex drive generally. Women often say that a guy being too needy (or desperate!) is a mood killer.
Having this conversation with her would probably be more productive than anything we can say here.
Good luck.
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