A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I hope someone can help. I got very close to a co-worker, especially texting and phone calls plus some meetings when we could make it. Nothing sexual happened although we both led each other on to believe we wanted it to and the texts etc got pretty steamy.My wife and I were going through a very rough patch and I just needed the closeness and understanding I craved from her. This woman was in the right place at the right time and things went from there.My wife eventually discovered some texts I overlooked to delete. It has destroyed her which is totally understandable. I have cut off all contact with the other woman and am trying to convince my wife how much I love her and the other woman meant nothing.To be honest, I became very emotionally attached to her and was very flattered by her interest and flirting but I now realise my wife and marriage are worth so much more.It was just an ego boosting trip but my wife has inflated it in her mind into a full blown affair and is considering divorce.I love my wife completely and realise how stupid a mistake I've made. How can I convince her??? If I tell her the truth she thinks I'm lying to cover up something so how do I put her mind at rest that nothing sexual happened?She's also saying that at the very least I had an 'emotional affair' and that is worse for women to deal with than a physical one.I can't win because she wont believe it wasn't physical but is then saying emotional is worse anyway!!I know I've done wrong and told her I will regret it as long as I live but nothing I can do or say will convince her of my love and remorse. Although it is all my fault, I can't see our marriage surviving this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): Who is to say this man isnt playing both the wife and coworker telling them both that he wants to be with them both. You cant tell me that none of you have never became quite close with another person of the opposite sex. You cant help who you fall for. You spend any amount with another human being you are going to develop feelings for that person. Yes as another coworker in a similar situation it just happens, yes the txts could of been stopped as well as the meetings but the feelings would of still been there.
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (19 January 2010):
Offer to take a polygraph test to prove that you are telling the truth. Or for me and my ex husband, after his first suspected affair, I made life a living hell for both of us, until he offered a meeting with the other woman where he professed his undying love for me and told her that he didn't want to be with her and that it was a big mistake etc. After that meeting I did start to believe him and things vastly improved. She knows you see the woman at work and in her mind she is imagining all those awful images of you together. So if nothing else works try a meeting in a public but quiet place. It might help if you tell her how much you love her with the other woman there to see that she's not wanted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): firstly ADMIT that you had the affair. because that is what you did.
-phone calls
- emails
- Meetings for lunch/supper/tea and holding hands (?)
- Sexually stimulating each other
- Stealing time from your wife. Does the other woman have a hb?
- Sexual texts flirting, big come on sexually.
- Contemplating meeting for sex, making plan to meet for a sexual release
- -did you masturbate thinking of her, any webcam, when you make love to your wife do you think of this other perhaps younger woman, wishing it was her.
If you have answered to any of the above then you have been having an outright affair. You see you invested time, energy, thought into this other woman. You replaced your wife with her. You need to admit it. how long did your affair last. You both work together, so you still have contact (although you say you have cut contact), still see each other., still email/call each other. Then my darling unfaithful man, you are still having that affair. You still think about her don’t you?
“My wife eventually discovered some texts I overlooked to delete” you deliberately tried to hide your affair from the wife. NICE. You lie when you said the other woman meant nothing. If she didn’t mean anything you would not have lied and tried to keep your other woman a secret.
“It was just an ego boosting trip but my wife has inflated it in her mind into a full blown affair and is considering divorce.” Instead of acknowledging your wrongdoing and just how it has affected your wife YOU BLAME YOUR WIFE for over reacting. Wow, what a faithful hb, wanting his wife to be so understanding of HIS AFFAIR.
“ I can't see our marriage surviving this.” Well then stop wasting your wife’s time and get the hell out of your marriage. You are soooooo smooth with words trying to make your wife out to be the bad one, wanting us to justify and condemn your wife for apparently over reacting. Mr. Have the balls to admit just how wrong you were, instead of making excuses for your affair, have the balls to admit that you were even thinking of leaving your wife or even contemplated having this woman on the side. DO NOT just calmly explain away your marriage, your indiscretion and your betrayal. Remorse, what Remorse have you shown. You would never have ended your affair if your wife did not find your undeleted texts. The texts you forgot to delete. You were caught therefore YOU WERE FORCED TO END YOUR AFFAIR.There would still be 3 people in your marriage wouldn’t there? Sneaky sneaky man! What have you learnt from your affair. We already know what your wife has learnt – that she cannot trust you and that you have a way with words and that you lie so convincingly and that you cover up the lies. No wait, she is just over reacting!
Damn it, your wife is devastated, YOU BETRAYED her, so please cut the love bull shit nonsense. You were ready to do It with this other woman. Mr. You have helped to almost destroy what 30 some odd years of marriage (or almost) . And if you cared anything, ANYTHING for your wife instead of being a smooth criminal you will put your words into actions. You betrayed her and You make shift the blame by telling her she is over reacting. What a cold cad you have been. Using this younger (?) woman then discarding her then telling your wife to perhaps just get over it. I cannot tell you how to now work at your marriage. Seems like you are ready to throw in the towel. This minor inconvenience of the wife over reacting has really pissed you off.
I think during this trying time your wife needs to find a man to emotionally support her. Take her to lunch, listen to her problems, email her, flirt with her, telling her that she is still beautiful and appreciating her. Let your wife discuss her feelings, her thoughts, her dreams with this man. I think your wifes “friend” also needs to make it known to her that he can satisfy her sexually in her time of need, i also think she should invest all her time in him during her difficult marriage times. After all an emotional affair is just nothing, isn’t it?
I think Scrambled Brain needs to post here and TELL you just how devastated she . is about her husbands affair. This will perhaps open your eyes. Sadly i do not think it would. So throw away 30(?) years of marriage, who cares? You certainly don’t!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (19 January 2010):
 What you need to do is SHOW more than tell. Show her that you have remorse, cut off all contact with the other woman, and most of all you need to give her time.
What you had indeed sounded like an Emotional Affair, and for some that can hit just as hard, if not worse, than a Physical Affair. You need to understand how your actions have hurt your wife.
As CaringGuy suggested, marriage counselling is a good option. Perhaps also try individual counselling as well?
In the mean time, I think you just need to listen to your wife. If she needs space from you, give her space. If she wants to be close to you, let her be close. Don't get angsty with her if she asks for details of your affair. Show her you'll always be there for her and commit to her - if that's what you really want.
But make sure your heart is in it.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 January 2010):
I think you and your wife need to go to counselling. You can't just convince her that you didn't do anything. It will take a lot of time and support. And the best way to do that is with a counsellor, because you can then both get your feelings out to each other. It can be fixed, but it means eating a lot of humble pie. So suggest counselling to her and see what happens.
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