A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We're only married 6 months and already we have an 'issue'. When my wife and I got serious and started talking about getting engaged, we both deleted 'exs' from our facebook accounts, deleted them from our contacts in our phones. I even threw out my 'paper' address book. No problems.Well, after we got married, she moved out of her parents house into my apartment. It's a 2 BR place, the smaller bedroom is kind of like our home office, and storage place for all the boxes of stuff that we aren't using (mostly my stuff, my wife re-decorated).We've start looking at houses to buy and plan on buying our first home this spring before we start having children. This last weekend we both started going through boxes in our 2nd bedroom to get rid of old junk and figure out what we want to save and what we want to ditch. In one box of my wife's old stuff was a few photo albums. A whole bunch of mixed stuff, like old pics her parents gave her of her as a child, and relatives and family pics.But, one of the albums was about 10 pages full of pics of her ex-boyfriend. None of them are 'lewd' but a few are of him in swim trunks, some alone, and some with my wife. There are also some of him in just underwear, like standing around, and some of him in bed, I think at his parents house since I don't think he had an apartment when he was dating my wife.My wife had a good old time looking through all the pages of this album. When she was done, I said, OK enough living the past, this whole thing is trash. My wife wants to keep these pics as old memories. I don't agree. I mean, if some day our kids are old enough to look at picture albums, how do we explain that my wife has some pictures of another man in his underwear? Not to mention, I'm not usually jealeous, but I don't like this one bit.I think if she wants to save a few pics (less than 5) of this ex-bf that are like from a place they went to or something, that's OK. We can tell the kids that used to be mom's friend or something. But pics of him in swim trunks, or underwear is not something I will allow. Am I over-reacting? Or am I being too easy-going and should throw ALL of them out? Or is my solution the right one?Thanks. -B
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male
reader, easeeee +, writes (12 January 2013):
You both agreed to let these things go.You've discarded your things she has a secret stash to consult and giggle about.That is definitly unfair.The fact that now that you've committed and now all bets are off on her stuff is something you should consider before moving forward. Her selfishness will only increase and this has nothing to do with control issues. Comments that you're controlling: That's the tool of manipulation people use to disregard your feelings while championing their own. The only reason you're mentioning children you don't have yet is because that's how intensly you feel for her that you'd want to have a long life with her. my daughter has to look at pictures of my fiance's first husband everyday and i find it horrible so i just don't go over there. It's ultimatly her choice to keep them but it's my choice to move onward and upward. She should back that stuff up and send it back to mama's.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): The correct answer is what ever you and your wife agree upon. Like most issues, it will be a negotiation. I think answers like Yos are a bit simplistic.I do think you have a valid point. Personally, I wouldn't want to know there were photos of an ex buried somewhere. Why does she want to keep them. To look at once a year while she plays an old mix tape, has a glass of wine and reminisces fondly? There is a reason Cortes burnt his boats when he invaded Mexico; and the Bolsheviks killed the Romanovs. They were sending a message - no turning back. In its own way you are asking your wife to make that same commitment - no turning back. Yes everyone has a past but with apologies to Shakespeare the past is prologue. It certainly helps you interpret the present but her past (and yours) has no business interfering in the joint story that you 2 are living in the present. Bottom line, if you are uncomfortable with the photos, ask her to bin them. The resolution will be how much a deal breaker it is for you as to her.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (5 January 2012):
 Deleting someone from facebook is one thing. Asking someone to throw out irreplaceable photographs that are a record of their life is something else entirely!
You are very much over-reaching here, and being controlling. It's not at all good for your marriage. You need to apologize for asking your wife to do this, and tell her that it's ok for her to keep ALL the photos.
You also need to stop worrying about 'what the kids will think'. Your wife had a boyfriend before you, this is 100% normal! Your kids would find it much stranger if you pretended that she hadn't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): I think you're overreacting and you're wrong to deny your wife the right to hold onto memories that she wants to hold on to.
just because she wants to keep pics of him doesn't mean she wants to get back with him. The pics probably represent to her a period of time in her past, and are not just about him. And whether you like it or not, her past bfs and relationships did help to shape her life experiences and thus make her what she is today (and same with you and your past relationships). So, there's nothing wrong to preserve some memories and cherish the past (unless the past was hurtful).
As for "how will we explain this to our kids?" oh come on, you dont' even have kids yet. sheesh. And if you some day feel the need to explain to them, you tell the truth. Which is, this man was mommy's first boyfriend when she was very young and before she met daddy. Big deal!!
just because you're now married doesn't mean you own her past from before she met you!!
since you two had this "deleting our exes off our facebook and contacts list" ceremony, I'm guessing that you have this belief that any remnants of your exes is a threat to the marriage and that's why you are reacting the way you are to these pics of her ex. Deleting exes off FB and phone is one thing because if you don't then you're still in contact with them, there is still a social relationship going on that is alive and well. But photos of people that you're not in contact with, from a long time ago, as mementos of a bygone era, is totally different.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): I think as long as you have a good relationship with your wife there is nothing to be concerned about here. These are a part of her history and it's up to her to decide if she wants to keep them or not. Her past is what brought her to where she is with you and there is no reason to throw away old photos that she wants to keep.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 January 2012):
 I think you are over reacting big time. They are in a photo album, not on her computer or on the walls. It's part of her history.
Let it go and stop being petty.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): It sounds as though she was pretty nonchalant about it, so I doubt she's looking back on them as anything other than memories. That said, I do find it a bit odd that she'd keep the ones of him in his underwear. Not sure that is appropriate. If it was him and her posing in a vacation spot she'll probably never see again, that would be one thing... but I do think photos of him in underwear and in bed are disrespectful to you. It is definitely not something I would make my partner put up with.
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A
male
reader, childof1981 +, writes (4 January 2012):
 You are over reacting. You both existed before marriage and that part of your lives is just as relevant as your marriage. As to what to say to your kids . . you tell them it's a old boyfriend of your mothers from before you were married.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): hey if you can't keep stuff like that than niether can she. My point is NO
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 January 2012):
 Why can't you let her decide for herself what pictures she chooses to keep? It's her past and her photos and basically, her property. And I agree with Cerberus, you're getting angry at the thought that nonexistent children may possibly stumble across some photos of a guy in swim trunks and panic? You are way over-reacting, and being spectacularly dramatic about the potential 'damage' this could do in the fantasy future.
If you don't want to seem like some sort of control freak, I'd just let her decide what works for her. Maybe she'll decide to keep them, maybe she won't. But give her the courtesy of assuming she'll do what's best for her and you. She IS a grown up, isn't she? And you aren't her keeper or her Dad or her jailer, are you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): You over-reacting massively dude. Talking about future kids and what you will tell them? What planet are you on man?
That's her past, she's allowed to have her memories OP, they're in a box of old photos in storage, it's not like she has them on display or even looks at them. I understand that you're retro jealous but what the hell are you on about telling kids and talking about kids? You expect to lie to your kids and pretend their mother never had a life before you? Are you serious? Who says they even have to see the pictures? Are you going to teach your kids that it's not okay to have a past, that it's not okay to keep memories of that past or lie to them that you're the only guy their mom has ever been with?
Can you really not see how crazy and illogical that sounds, kids that aren't even born yet, this is about you and has nothing to do with any potential kids. Why the hell would kids care if your wife has had other boyfriends before you?
They're distant memories to her that's it, perhaps they had a nice relationship and she has nice memories from that time. Are you really that controlling and restrictive of your wife that you want to force her to remove all evidence that she's had a life before you? Say she visited a country you don't like, are you going to get her throw out all those photos too, or lie to your kids and tell them it was a different country.
Those are her memories, her keepsakes of her former life, of a past she probably looks back fondly on, why would you force her to erase that past and have no memories of it?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 January 2012):
 Could you maybe compromise that you get to put them in a box that only you know the location of or a lockbox only you have the key to? I'm suspecting it's less that she is attached to the people in them and more attached to the photo if that makes sense. Throwing away a photo is basically throwing away a memory, part of your life. I think it's unreasonable to ask her to erase that part of her life, but reasonable to ask that reminders of it be limited in terms of being in sight.
On the one hand it's definitely uncomfortable to be reminded of someone she used to be attracted to, on the other hand throwing away photos is really, really tough. I've personally never intentionally thrown away a photo in my life, no matter what the content. So I think finding a way to put them out of sight but not thrown away is ideal, but that's just my opinion.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 January 2012):
 First of all there is no right and wrong. You feel one way she feels another. I personally eventually will throw out MOST pictures of an ex if it was a bad relationship… That being said.. I kept every single picture of my first boyfriend from when I was 16 and yet have NONE of my second husband. I kept ALL the pictures of my first husband because I have children with him. I am tossing the pictures of the third husband but I see him on facebook all the time (same with the first husband I see him here at work too)
They are just pictures. I am 51 and I LOVE looking at old pictures of my family my mom, my dad, my cousins, ex boyfriends… my grandparents friends from the orphanage (where they met). Photos are part of our history.
It’s not like she keeps them in a box in a drawer in her night table…they are packed away.
Personally if it was me, I would toss the ones of him in bed and in his underwear but keep the rest.
BUT truly they are HER possessions and it’s up to her to do with them as she wishes.
She is WITH YOU. SHE is MARRIED to YOU.... a few old photos do not change that.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (4 January 2012):
 Mmm Trickey. I do see where you are coming from here. But on the other hand I personally hate to throw photo's away as they are a record of your history. Maybe she's just like me?? I'm sure it's not to piss you off.
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