A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need an advice on how to turn thigs back to where there were with my wife. We ve been married for more than 20 years. Our only child went to college across the country and stayed there to live. So, it's just 2 of us in a house. I have to admit that I was not the examplery husband but I don't do anything drastic. I never was violent with her, not physically or verbally. He major complaints about me are that I am disinterested in everything that's happening with business and in a house. That I don't care of things are broken, that I am non responsive, non stop arguing person. Also my drinking habits are totaly repulsive to her. She says I am a mean drunk, and she doesn't understand why i drink if it puts me in a bad mood and I become this incredibly unpleasant person. She also says that if anything ever happened in our lives it's because she was initiating it or taking care of it. Which I have to agree is true.,About 3 months during my birthday, I had a lot do drinks and became as she states this " incredibly unpleasant". Usually what follows the next morning is another long conversation about my drinking and then it all goes back to normal. Before you think that I have drinking problem, let me assure you that I don't. My wife also says that she doesn't think I have drinking problems, but she said that my reaction to alcohol is what pisses her off. I do drink few times a week but not more than 3 drinks at time. Aftre this infamous birthday party everything changed. She said, my snoring tires her and she can't have a good night sleep, so she moved into a different bedroom. She was taking care of almost most cooking, now that stopped too. I don't know know when I go home, if there is dinner there. When I mentioned it to her, she replied, that I am a grown man, she works too, and she finds things around the house to eat. I can see her making herself even oatmeal for dinner and that's it, but she won't cook for me at times. We used to enjoy meeting after work couple times a week for happy hours. At first i didnt even even notice she doesn't offer it anymore and it doesn't happen, but about a month ago I asked her how come we don't do this anymore. She said sarcastically, oh, you finally noticed? and that was it. Few times a week she is not home until 9 p.m. I discovered i that she signed up for Spanish classes, and she picked up another dance class at night. She didnt even tell me. When I asked her she confirmed. She makes plans for Saturdays that don't include me. Like this coming Saturday is her friends 40s birthday, she is going just girls, but she doesn't even inform me that she will be out all night. I was checking credit card bill and saw a charge for some 80s music party that she bought tickets for. I asked how come she didnt even ask me i fi want to go . she said, it's just girls from her dance class.She also doesn't come with me when our common friends having a party. For the past 3 months she refused to go to at least 6 parties. So I went alone. I asked how come she doesn't want to come anymore. She said, your guys don't interested me , with wives I hang out anyway, so what's the point of me going?Now, sex. We didnt do it very often as it is for the past few years. Now I don't even dare to ask. Once when I was a bit buzzed, I mentioned it and she started laughing, but then she stopped herself and apologized. The funny part is that we stopped arguing. Before it was constant bickering, now ts just silence. I don't even see her that often anymore. It's like she has her own life with new friends and hobbies and we are just roommates who pay bills together but share nothing more. I don't think she is having an affair, at least it doesn't look like it, plus she is not the type to do it. I think if she found someone she would just leave. Today we woke up. I as usuall= brought coffee to her, and she gave me this look like she wanted to say something but then changed her mind. I said, what., are you trying to say something? She said , no, ts ok. Finished her coffee and got up and went to GYM. So, the situation is quite worry some for me. There is always silence in the house. Either she is not home,,or she just goes to her bedroom, andi stay downstairs watching TV. Any ideas how to break the silence, and this pattern of her behavior?
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 June 2015):
 Your wife has reached the limit of her patience with you and has, in her own way, given up on the marriage and has started a new life of her own, one that doesnt involve you. To be honest, I dont in any way blame her for it. She has devoted 20 years of her life to you, tried to get you to change for the better, to stop drinking, to improve your communication and your "husband" skills. You didnt do any of it. How much longer is she to wait? And why should she? She has suffered enough and now its time for her to lead a life that makes her happy, with people that make her happy.
I completely disgaree with the man anon who states that she's having an affair. Goodness gracious how easy it is to paint women as immoral! The poor lady is just trying to carve a life out for herself, after years of being in a partly unhappy marriage and when she's finally trying to be happy, its only implied that she's having an affair. Honestly, this attitude shocks me and disgusts me.
She is NOT having an affair.
She is just fed up with everything, with you, with the way that things are and yet there are certain reasons why she cannot leave you. Finances, societal pressures, children being just some of those. She's just trying to make the best of a bad situation by getting a life of her own.
If you want things to change, then you have to communicate with her. Silence isn't really helping and neither obviously will arguments. Try and approach her when she's in a good mood and just sit and have a talk. Maybe she wont, the first time, but if you persevere, she will.
Give up drinking completely to show her that you value her opinion
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): Unfortunately, I think there's so much water that's passed under the bridge, there ain't much bridge left. It'll take a lot of work to repair your relationship.
I don't know if you want to save your marriage, make living together easier or you want out of the relationship altogether.
Assuming you want to save your marriage, the first thing to do is open the lines of communication. Men tend to retreat into themselves & spend time alone to relax & think through their life's stresses & women want to open up & talk about it, analyse it etc.
It might feel overwhelming at first but you'd be surprised how quickly you can change the dynamic. If you want to save your marriage, start by surprising her. Tomorrow night when she arrives home from work, have dinner ready for her & ask her if you can sit together. Ask her about her day. She might turn you down the first time you ask but that's ok, it's been a long time since you've done anything together & Rome wasn't built in a day - don't be discouraged. Try again in a few days time. Tell her you'd really like to catch up & spend some time together.
Take an interest in what's happened in her day, listen to her & get to know her again. She has a whole life outside of you. Treat it kind of like you're courting her again. Focus on becoming FRIENDS with your wife again & the rest will hopefully develop with time. It's like starting over from scratch but with patience & honesty on both your parts, it can be done.
Please keep us updated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2015): I think you a bit delusional about your drinking and your wives fidelity. Honestly, you continue on drinking even when you see how much your wife is disturbed by it?? You can't stop that's what it is. I like wine, I actually like it very much. I don't become nasty drunk, quite the opposite. I become very kind and loving. But if my husband asked me once not to drink in front of him, I have no problem stop doing it. I have no dependency at all. And really, 3 drinks 3} times a week, it's quite a bit. The main point is that you I ignored her requests for many years. I don't know when it started, but I have a feeling that it didn't start last year.I am sure it's not only alcogol. It other things you mentioned: indifference toward every day life with her, business and other little things. After so many years she gave up. She didn't want to, you are after all a father of ther child, her life partner, but your lack of enthusiasm, you being disinterested in doing things together, never offering any sort of entertainment, sitting there waiting for her to rule your life and tell you where to go and what to do brought her to the end of her rope. On top of that your drinking, and that went over the top. I think it went a bit too far but as we know hope dies last. Try and change yourself, but the thing is in my opinion it's a bit too late. She is seeing someone, I have no doubt. Her Saturdays outings are obvious. May be I am mistaken, but all the facts point to her other life which she enjoys very much.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (1 June 2015):
From what you write, it sounds as if your wife has been trying to express how she's feeling and what her issues are with the marriage for a long time yet nothing has changed. These 'long conversations' about you drinking were her attempts at asking you to change and stop being a mean drunk who doesn't make any effort to participate in the marriage, yet all the while expecting her to care for you with home cooked meals and sex. It sounds like it went in one ear and out the other for you though, until finally she snapped and decided to stop making any effort.
If you want to change this, you need to really listen to the things she's been saying to you and make an effort to fix them. You think it's her behaviour you need to change, when actually it's yours. Your wife sounds like someone who has reached the end of her patience being married to someone who thinks only of himself and does nothing to address her concerns. And honestly I don't blame her. Being mean to someone is unacceptable drunk or otherwise, yet you don't seem to have done anything to change things.
Being 100% honest, I think you are going to need to make some quick and drastic changes if you want to salvage this. Your wife has basically given up trying and checked out of your marriage because she's sick of talking to a brick wall and being the only one to make any effort. You now need to be the one to step up and row the marriage boat for a while. That means you stop drinking; start making more of an effort to pay attention to her and even, shock horror, maybe cook for HER for a change?! Make her feel wanted, desired and appreciated and romance her all over again.
The fact she is basically living her life with no thought for you and you still haven't made the changes she's asked you for, suggests your marriage may be over completely soon if you don't do something.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2015): 1: you are a high functional, completely in denial alcoholic. When alcohol impacts the operation of your non alcohol life, and you choose alcohol over an otherwise smooth life, you have lost control. It doesn't matter if it's a case for breakfast daily, or the once a week Saturday nightcap you can't do without, or anywhere in between. If your wife brought it up as a problem and you didn't immediately drop the booze. You have a problem.2: she's cheating. Guaranteed. If she started to laugh when you broached the subject, is suddenly detached, making new friends, going new places, and you're not only not invited, but not welcome, then it's because there's someone else she doesn't want you to meet.3: your 'marriage' is over. Has been for years. You were too busy being resentfully defensive of your previous drink to notice it dying, and now it's too late. 4: yes, she IS the type. If she stayed 'married' to you for this long, it's because she's smart enough to know that there are logistical and financial advantages to maintaining the status quo. It's not like she thinks you'd even notice. She keeps a comfortable and convenient existence, and leads an otherwise pretty independent life. Get help. AA isn't enough. You need a therapist, a Private investigator, a lawyer, AND AA.
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A
female
reader, vanillaSlice +, writes (1 June 2015):
You may not be an alcoholic per se, but you do have a drinking problem,.. in that you become angry and or mean. You have to change your behavior before hers will change. if you can have one drink and still be cool, then fine leave it at one,.. if you start becoming mean with one drink, then I would say put the drinking down altogether.
otherwise from your actions what she gathers from it is that drinking is more important then her, even if it means hurting her while you're doing it.
if you want her to change, you have to change first, and it may take a while for her to trust that you are coming around.
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