A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay I am seeing a guy, for quite a while now, almost half a year... he doesn't want a relationship, I'm having trouble coping. Either way my question is I found a condom wrapper under his bed, with HIS boxers. We don't use condoms, and I have been suspicious of this girl lately. Confronted him about the girl, and he said that he has not done anythign with her/ she has a boyfriend. I then asked if not her, then who? and again he denies having sex with anyone. Am I overreacting? and would it make me look like a crazy paranoid girl if I confronted him about the condom wrapper? He also said that the only reason he has condoms is because of when we used to use them, but we haven't in months, so why would one be under his bed? Guys point of view please!!
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condom, has a boyfriend, she has a boyfriend Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanna give another update... I know it's been awhile. Long story short, my sister caught him at a bar with another girl, he begged her not to tell me. I went over the next day and caught him red handed with her in his bed. Haven't talked to him since, he keeps calling me and leaving messages each one getting more and more desperate. So all in all, everything he ever said was a complete lie and all he wanted was to fool around with as many girls as possible, but I guess now he is realizing that he lost somethign good, and I am not going to give him another chance, or the time of day. Just want to say to everyone, think twice before you sleep around! You might lose something you can never find ever again.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): Some guys use condoms to masterbate, which would explain it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): Okay, you should just trust him on this. If there is so little trust in your relationship that you can't believe him on a small matter like this, then there is no chance between you.
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A
male
reader, Undisclosed +, writes (17 October 2008):
 Thank you for the update; it is much appreciated! I thought I would add that my gf (19 years old) and I recently broke up.We had often talked about our different expectations and ultimately I could not give her what she needed; she was not the one. She wanted to wait but as painful as it is for the time being she deserves much more than that and she will find her man. It simply isn't me and I know this.It's very painful and I won't comment anymore on this put given that I'm a 23 year old Canadian male who's is also currently unhappy with his career choice and possibly thinking a little like your bf, maybe I could offer my insights in the future since it's rare to find such a coincidence. You're welcome to drop me a line here at Dear Cupid if you're ever having a hard time. I won't be bias to my personal judgment.Take care,
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thank you all so much for responding! I decided to confront him, but I didn't accuse him of cheating, I just asked why he had lube in his drawer. (don't think i mentioned that one either, and I have never used this particular lube with him/ it wasn't new) Anyways getting to the point, he was a bit embarassed but told me like Undisclosed suggested, he whacks off in them, and uses the lube to assist himself. As to Happytochat, thank you so much for your view, it's always great to have a woman's perspective as well that isn't biased like a friend might be. I know he isn't meeting what I need but the situation is that he is 23 and working at dead end jobs, and has been completely lazy and barely making ends meet to pay rent, so he is waking up and realizing in order to reach his goals and be happy he needs to focus on his career. Later when he is settled then he will be in a relationship with someone. I have told him many times, "what am i supposed to do, wait for you?" and at this moment in time, i want to wait... but I won't wait around forever. Also I have decided to be friends, without the benefits so I won't get as hurt anymore.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (17 October 2008):
I think your right in being suspicous of him.
The only other reason I can think of why he would have a condom under his bed apart from him possibly cheating, is maybe its a really old one? Some people (especially guys) are messy and have rubbish and stuff underneath there bed.
But in all honestly, it sounds like to me its more likely that hes cheating. I think this because not only did you find a condom wrapper, but there is a girl who you have been suspicous of lately as well. So there is a person he could of done it with.
You also said in your post that he doesnt want a relationship. If this is right, then really, cant he sleep with anyone he wants to?? I am wondering why you would stay with a you and sleep with him, if he doesnt want to be in a relationship? this is only going to cause you mroe pain. Now that you have suspiciions that he is having sex with some other girl, ithink you should leave him. This guy is just looking for sex, thats why hes not commiting to you, and that is why there is evidence of him having sex with other people.
Save yourself more heartbreak, and leave him, you're too good for a guy like that.
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A
male
reader, Undisclosed +, writes (17 October 2008):
Guys point of view:
Some guys whack off in condoms. Seems like a uselessly expensive habit to me but it is common. It's weird that he didn't mention that. Maybe he's not comfortable sharing that. If you guys have never talked about masturbating on your own then it's a possibility.
If I buddy of mine told me his point of view I'd reply "You both agree that you're not in a real relationship and she's getting all jealous about the possibility of you not being exclusive to her?" That's what I would tell my buddy (you're overreacting) but he would also know that me and him don't think alike. There's NO WAY I'd be in his situation. Before I start a sexual relationship she and I get testing for STDs and aint nothing gonna happen without a condom. STDs a real deal breaker and it not "feeling as good" with a condom is not a compelling reason to be ****ed for life afterwards.
This guy's point of view: Why aren't you wearing a condom? What if you get pregnant? The pill really doesn't work when you're on antibiotics, or you decide to eat a grapefruit, or god knows all its other short-comings...
First, you're obviously not comfortable in this "relationship" given the red flags in the communications department and second you're not getting what you need from it (i.e. a relationship). So until things develop into something that meets your needs or until you move on, get a condom on that boy.
Super paranoid? Bring you own pack and mark-em with a permanent marker in the corner so you can spot "the odd one out". Also if you had the old box or a condom from it you can match the LOT and SERIAL numbers on the wrappers to determine how recent it was. Also, don't start thinking that if the inside of the wrapper was dried out it would be one from months ago as condom lubricant is resistant.
Good luck with whatever you choose. We're here for you.
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A
female
reader, Tremor +, writes (17 October 2008):
 Perhaps he just doesn't clean under his bed. I know my boyfriend and I have found wrappers under his bed from months back - very clean of us.
Of course, if you check under his bed quite often (why were you looking under his bed anyway?) and it's only just appeared, THEN you might have to take it up with him.
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