A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why would a girl who says she would rather be with you, then decide that she'd rather go back to her ex for the sake of their kid, even though he's been violent to her before and, by all accounts, sounds unstable? I can see her point of view that parents should try to make things work, well sort of, but at the expense of her own happiness? Is is just fear of the unknown? I don't know what else I could have done to reassure her and make her feel good about herself, but now I feel used. If she didn't know what she wanted, why pursue me and give me the signals that she really wanted me? I will seriously find it hard to trust a person's true motives after this and I don't feel like getting over it yet.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007): If you ask me, she probably had a history of abuse and to her, the abuse and love either go hand in hand, or she feels a compulsion toward the abuse. Many times people that had experienced abuse in childhood identify with that same abuse later in life. For instance, if her father ritualistically beat her from a young age, she learned to experience men in that fashion, so in subsequent relationships with men she will identify with that same abuse as it is what she had grown to know. As for wanting to return to that person, an attraction for the chaos that that kind of abuse from her ex creates helps her relive the chaos she probably experienced when she was a child.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007): I doubt she just went back to her ex for the sake of their child, she probably also loves the man and wants to receive love back from him. With a child especially they share a history and whilst there are experiences of violence and instability it is probably wrapped up with a strong attraction too.
This is one of these examples where it shows you don't necessarily choose who you fall in love with, love goes beyond reason and in many ways is not a rational in behaviour. This girl is on a journey and she needs to learn herself that this is not the kind of relationship that is ultimately any good for her. No matter how perfect or supportive you are, if now is not her time to be able to have a stable partner in her life then there is nothing you can do, or be, for her to not want to choose this other guy.
Similarly, perhaps your experience in this is to realise that sometimes people are just not ready or right to be with you regardless of how much you can give. You obviously supported this girl a lot, however the success of a relationship isn't based on how much support or encouragement that person can offer. You need to stop analysing this women's motives, and trying to equate that she should have been committed as much as you were giving, because relationships do not necessarily work like that.
You sound like you have an abundance of great giving relationship qualities and although these are likely to harm you if shown to the wrong kind of women, when you meet someone who can give equally back, you will really find yourself rewarded and in a passionately close, loving and caring relationship. It is natural in the meantime to distrust someones motives whilst you get over this heartache, but do not allow one experience to damage your nature. Give yourself time, heal from this experience and I promise you that when you feel ready to be interested in other people that you'll feel even better and more prepared to invest in to another relationship.
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (12 June 2007):
 your concern is full of compassion, unfortunately she is the only one who can free herself from this dysfunctional relationship. yes she will not be happy neither is the child because a child is only happy if the parents are getting along so well.
its a good thing she was honest with u and not waist your time while she buys time with her childs father. so now move on and remember people are not the same and that includes women. believe me you did meet a good woman unfortuantely she cant let go of her past but she was honest with you when she decided to keep the ex. so do not judge all the women because of her actions. anyway if you continued with her maybe things were gonna be worse instead of being better because of this abusive ex not wanting to let go of her. so you are safe from this drama. now go out there and make it happen.
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