A
female
age
36-40,
*pringluv2
writes:My boyfriends wife died over 30 years ago and I can't imagine how hard that must be, they had two sons together too. The problem is that he approached me and said his sons grandmother asked him and our new son over for dinner but I was invited also. How can my boyfriend or his sons grandmother invite me to their house with our new son. It doesn't seem right. I told my bf that I would feel uncomfortable and like an out cast being at his deceased wifes mothers house. So I didn't go and my boyfriend caught a major attitude and hung the phone up.What would make him act this way? Why would they invite me because they are his family not mine?Would it have been right to go or not go?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): Okay- when i first read this post, I thought you must be a reasonable lass for her to have invited you to dinner- although I agree that it is a shame you felt that couldn't accept her invite.
However, to confirm whether the age differences were a mistake or not, I read your previous posts to establish that, yes, you are 21, he is 52. However at the end of your previous post, summarising whether the relationship will work or not you suddenly 'concluded' that;
"Third, he said he is going to leave me things as I have no clue what that means but how do I break it to him that we need life insurance because I don't know if he has any policies."
I don't see how this is any issue in deciding whether you were happy being together. Is the reason you did not want to go to dinner with his late wife's mother partly because you have a hidden agenda to hide?
(Or are at least concerned that it may appear that you have?)
A
female
reader, pebble  +, writes (17 May 2009):
 This is really childish. You're causing conflict where there needs to be none. If neither of you want to be involved in each others' families then why the hell are you together?Relationships are about becoming part of each others' family. At the end of the day, if you are going to put so many barriers between each other then you're not going to have a future together.
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A
female
reader, springluv2 +, writes (17 May 2009):
springluv2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank everyone for their reponses. However its just that I am invited to gatherings on my side of the family and my bf will never go..I know tip for tat isn't right but we should be accepting our differences and be together. I felt as though I didn't need to go because his sons are older than me I can't be a mother figure to them and I will not and can't take the place of his late wife.
Also my bf would never sit and eat dinner with my family. So I let him be with the family he wanted and stayed behind.
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A
female
reader, pebble +, writes (17 May 2009):
You're around her Granchildren, a mother figure to them. Of course she's going to want to meet you. Especially if you and your man have given her another Granchild together.
I really don't see a problem here. You were rude not to go and owe an apology to your partner and this lady. She realises you are part of the family and doesn't want to exclude you. I would have been much more worried if she hadn't asked you to come at all.
If his wife died 30 years ago, they're not going to be sitting there talking about her constantly and ignoring you. And so what if they do mention her? She was part of your man's life and that isn't going to change. You sound a little jealous.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): springluv2, you sound so immature. his wife dies 30 yrs ago. he has 2 sons. i am sure you want to spend the rest of your life with him. his former mother in law just wants to meet you, perhaps even extend a warm friendship knowing that her 2 grandkids will be also part of your life. with the 30 yr age gap i think yourbf relaises how immature you are behaving. why are you feeling uncomfortable about this dead woman. you are sleeping with her hb. you don't have a problem with that. she is not going to suddenly wake up and lay claim to him. her death happened 30 yrs ago for goodness sake and you are behaving like the child you are.
you need to grow up if you want this relationship to work. you are selfish. have you considered that perhaps your bf wanted you to meet this old lady since he loves you and wants her to know that he is finally happy. with you. you just blew it. its time for a relality check and its time to GROW UP. there is a difference between being an adult and a spoilt child. please choose which category you fall into.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): I think you missed a fantastic opportunity to become closer to an extended family and your partner. I would have been very flattered to have been invited - she was really extending a hand to you and showing 'acceptance' for your relationship which not everyone would do. I'm afraid you may have done the wrong thing and the best thing you can do now is to admit it and explain your feelings. My family in law dislike me and have since the outset and yet cannot explain any valid reason other than class difference. It has made me so very down and depressed. To be welcomed into a family is a wonderful chance in life. I hope you can rectify the situation. HOwever you need to ask yourself why you are being so defensive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): Wait a minute! You are posted as 18-21 and your boyfriends wife died 30yrs ago? Did I get that right? What are your ages? Perhaps she wanted to know what you were like being so young with her widowed son-in-law and having his baby. AND she may have wanted to know how you 'fit' with her daughters children. Yes, I think you should have gone and been gracious but reserved. On your toes as they say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): The grandmother made a wonderful gesture to include you. The fact that you didn't see it in yourself to accept says you somehow feel guilty about your relationship, perhaps because you feel awkward about the age difference. Your declining the invitation speaks volumes about the age difference - frankly, that you're not mature enough to be with your man. Which is the reason that people put down relationships with those kind of age differences.
This isn't about you, or it wasn't, until you made it about you. But now it's about how you suck it up and make it right. You're with this man and in a relationship where you're making babies. To make it right with him you have to make amends with his late wife's mother. Do it, get it over with. Grandma was/is a part of his life, and she's being gracious. Do the same.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (17 May 2009):
 Like it or not, you have a connection through mutual family, whether or not it is exclusively "your own".
Your Boyfriend is always going to be the father of this woman's grandchildren, and that is going to continue until she dies. They are her grandchildren. The fact that their mother died doesn't change this. She is being loving and gracious to be inclusive to his new family!
And You knew when you started a family with him that he had history. Your being with him and having a child together doesn't Erase that history. You need to be his girlfriend and his lover and prove to him that you love ALL of him, INCLUDING his Past, and his children and their other relatives aren't going to disappear because you find this inconvenient. Suck it up and include them in your new family list of people *Who You Are Now Related To*. You may not like it, but you have to be inclusionary, for the sake of you OWN child. We all want to band with our own little nuclear family when we have a child, but he has other children. Having another Grandma, whose heart is big enough to include your new family, is probably going to be a blessing, if you embrace it... XXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): I am in total agreement with the previous responses. It was a gracious and kind invitation. There is no threat there. We all have extended families these days. And as Denny said...you can never have too many people caring and loving you!
I feel an apology is necessary! Obviously, this is important to your boyfiend. You need to reconsider if it's not too late!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): whats the problem? the woman just wants to get to know you. she obviously thinks highly of your boyfriend and would like to invite you into her life.
What you did was not the best desicion. You can make this right by apologising, and arranging another lunch.
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A
female
reader, springluv2 +, writes (17 May 2009):
springluv2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe didn't physically ask me to come to her home. I feel like I would have been out of place. I would have felt wierd if they are all talking about his late wife, then who am I.
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