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female
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anonymous
writes:I need help and hope that the amazing agony aunts can help. I split with my boyfriend of thirteen years two and a half years ago. I have been dating but not really seriously. He returned to him hometown a long way away and promptly met someone else. Their relationship sounds strange. About three times a year she will leave him and return to the guy she was seeing before she met him. He has been waiting in the wings as well...she is playing them both. The thing is each time this happens I hear from him. He has called four times before when this happens and it has always ended in hurt for me. I had to call him about a reference he agreed to give me in the fall and when I called to speak with him she told me he did not want to speak to me. He called again this weekend. This time I told him I disliked her. I will be in his city in March on business and he asked me to stay with him. I said that it was doubtful that would happen as he would be back with her and that he had done this to me before. Friends are telling me that he could be testing the waters for a reconciliation but for some reason I can only feel bitterness for him....as he has let me down so many times before.I feel I am a good and decent person and he is taking advantage. Should I give him one more chance or steer clear. Why would he tolerate the silly situation he is in now? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): He hasn't made a clean break of it with the other one and really, from what you are saying, you don't want him back as he has hurt you so many times. So why even think about putting yourself through it again.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (14 February 2008):
 Follow your instincts.Cut off all ties with him.You are no more responsible for his emotional needs. He may appear hopeless or helpless.
Do not have any excessive sympathy for him. He needs to learn to cope with his own problems.
Harden your heart and resolve and let him find his own survival.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 February 2008):
 I think you should not give him another chance. She is playing him, but he is playing you, and -I'm sorry to say- that's because you're letting him. He broke up with you, but then he won't let you free to rebuild your own life with someone who will make you his number one.
You hear from him only when he is having problems with his current girlfriend. That's awful. You don't deserve to be the wonderful someone he falls back to when his girlfriend leaves to see someone else.
You were number one for quite a long time, but not anymore. I wonder if he would be calling you if his relationship with her were fine. Just like you do, I wonder why he doesn't leave her if she treats him that way.
I think he will play with your feelings for as long as he can. If I were you, I would stay away from him. I know this is difficult to do since he was in your life for such a long time, but now all he does is harm. He won't come back to you for good, but then he doesn't let you free to rebuild your own life.
I see you would want to go back to him. I'm not sure if that's what he wants. But, if it were, I would be careful. You don't really know why he is coming back. The reasons he had to break up with you are still there, and they are not wiped away just because he found someone else who's not right for him.
I wonder how she sees his calling you, but obviously she doesn't like it. I think your being in touch with him means problems, for you, for him, and for this other woman. If I were her, I would feel very insecure about a boyfriend who is still in touch with an ex of thirteen years, and who wants her to stay with him when she comes into the city.
Take care.
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