A
female
age
41-50,
*isenchanted
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for one year. I like to have sex regularly but I'm not a fiend or anything. He's a normal red blooded male, I know he looks at porn although it's not something we discuss, and I know he pleasures himself when I'm not around. He's always ready to go first thing in the morning, so I climb on and do my thing, he never turns me down. However, more often than not after I orgasm, he does not take his turn. This is so confusing to me, maybe I shouldn't complain because I'm still getting mine, but it leads me to beleve that he is choosing to wait and climax by way of masturbation after I leave. This hurts my feelings, why would he rather whack off than have sex with the girl that's laying right there? Is it just easier and he's lazy? Is it a better orgasm because he's more used to that method? We don't live together so wouldn't it stand to reason that the 3 or 4 days out of the week that we're actually together he might want to take advantage of having sex with a live girl instead of his hand while looking at pictures and video of girls online. He's in his late 40s, I'm in my late 20s, I have a nice body, we show mutual respect for eachother, and have intelligent conversation, I just can't wrap my head around this.
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (10 August 2008):
 Well, this may not really be a big deal. That is up to you to decide after you have assessed what is actually going on with your lover. I'm no longer confident that you gave us an accurate description of this situation.
A
female
reader, disenchanted +, writes (10 August 2008):
disenchanted is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think he's neccessarily always releasing himself, I think at times it's purely visual stimulation, maybe most of the time, I don't know, b/c I'm either not there or not in the same room with him, or maybe sometimes I am if he's just looking and not doing anything. I don't know.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (10 August 2008):
Are you saying that your boyfriend spends either more or equal time sexually releasing himself to mostly PG-13 magazine photographs of pretty girls than when he has an opportunity of having sex with you?
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A
female
reader, disenchanted +, writes (10 August 2008):
disenchanted is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat's interesting about it though, is that I wouldn't even call it porn, the majority of the time it's just pictures of really pretty girls who may be scantily clad, some times completely naked, I even like looking at them, they're all naturally gorgeous, not trashy, but pure and sexy, and occasionally there's some porn, but it's mainly just photos, I guess that can still be considered porn, but porn conjures up a different association for me.
Maybe he just has to do that everyday like I have to go my regular websites everyday. Is that common?
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (10 August 2008):
You seem like a great girl and girlfriend to your man, and yes, we are trying to help you "wrap your head around this." I'm an older man (60 years), but allow me to suggest some explanation and perspective.
Twenty or 30 years ago, maybe even less, it was much more difficult to readily access pornography, although it has existed in one form or another throughout history. So it is nothing new, but history lesson aside, let's just say that pornography is easily and much more widely available today. Therefore, it has insidiously become part of 21st century sexuality for perhaps a majority of men, especially those younger than 60, and even many young women.
Since it is totally "not going to go away," I think that it becomes a delicate balance to maintain control over pornography's affect on our lives. There is nothing wrong with either men or women enjoying occasional masturbation as part of their sex lives. For some of us, pornography today provides quick and easy visual stimulation to help attain release when desired or needed.
In the case of many lonely souls, for whatever reason they are alone or neglected, pornography can indeed help if it turns them on. I can remember when, as a youth, the best stimulation I could often find was the pictures of women in bras or panties in the Sears clothing catalog. LOL
However, when a couple is together or readily available for each other, it is reasonable to provide the majority of the needed stimulation for a healthy sex life. When or if the pornography becomes obsessive or precludes a reasonable amount of sex in a relationship, then it is prudent to discuss and work on the situation, as you indicate that you have initiated. If and, perhaps only, when the pornography obviously "replaces" intimacy in the relationship, then certainly there is a problem that may require serious reassessment. You are the one to decide when such is the case.
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite  +, writes (9 August 2008):
 some guys like porn in their routine some can get addicted but just because he has you doesnt mean to say your not enough just he has an interest in that sort of thing. the sleeping pills could be having an effect on his system making it harder for him to climax or maybe he is stressed out and when its himself and some porn he maybe picturing you both in that sexual way and finding it easier to ejacutlate. but just take some time and see if the lowering of the dosage helps. and maybe try both of you watching porn together.. good luck aphex xx
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A
female
reader, disenchanted +, writes (8 August 2008):
disenchanted is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI love this web site! Everyone has been so helpful. I realy appreciate your thoughtful answers. It's apparant that everyone bothering to answer is actually trying to help, I found it tremendously helpful and almost heart warming. I did take your advice and confronted him about it. At first he was defensive and kind of pushed it off on a lack of passion, this made me cry. We were later able to discuss it more rationally and came to the conclusion that he wasn't sure either but that altered interest in sexual intercourse is a side effect of the sleeping pills he takes, so he's going to look into lowering the dosage. I felt better reading your answers, and even better after talking to him about it. Does it makes sense to continue to constantly look at naked girls online if your sexual interest has been altered though? Please tell me it's a guy thing, and goes hand in hand with shaving, even if you're not masturbating to the pics.
Either way I sincerely thank everyone for your time and consideration.
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A
male
reader, look samurai dick +, writes (4 August 2008):
see the thing is. how long after you have sex is it before he is alone?
i doubt he could or want to stay horny for 20 or more minutes just so
he could jerk off. im 22 so i would not know what its like to be 40 but i guess its a lot more effort.
maybe you should just ask him? honesty is the best policy!
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A
female
reader, bellasmommy +, writes (3 August 2008):
Maybe he cant cum when having sex.. (just a thought) or maybe it just takes him a really really long time. Some guys can only cum when they jack.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): I think woman think men are like machines are can do everything to order. I have to confess that I had difficulty in reaching orgasm with my last girlfriend. In this case I suspected that she was trying for a baby without telling me which made me lose the desire to finish the job so to speak. She did try to stimulate me but she was inexperienced that didnt help. Im not sure if this is relevant to your case but try to cut us guys some slake. Its more difficult than you think for us.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 August 2008):
 I agree with the Wizard.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (2 August 2008):
Too much porn, or in the case of some guys, any amount of porn reduces the urge to be intimate with his woman. Every man is his own, but I can assure you that a good release with a woman is much better than a hand, at least in my case.
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (2 August 2008):
gecko got a point although i say talk to him about it maybe their is a reason, dont be harsh about it be sensitive about it say that you enjoy it but it hurts your feelings that he doesnt do it with you than give you what you want and not himself you want equals..hope that helps aphex xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2008): He may have conditioned his penis to the roughness of his hand, ask him to refrain from masterbating for a couple of weeks to see if this changes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2008): He sounded a hell of a lot younger by reading it.
A lot of couples or people face this kind of problem. One half doing more than the other half...all that jazz.
And its a problem.
So what I suggest you do is the standard answer of talking to him or of course the - not do it to him at all until its fair move. This however might end the entire relationship.
If you have mutual respect for each other, as you say you do, then surely just telling him what you've told us, telling him it hurts you and that you feel its a problem; it'll be fixed?!
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