A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend over a year. Things are great its been a great year and weve talked of buying a place together next year. So were both very serious about one another. We've told each other we love each other etc and i really do want to spend the rest of my life with him.He's from down south so hes gone home for the xmas period but the night before he went he told me that his ex gf of 3 years ago (his only serious gf other than myself) had messaged him. She'd sent him a message saying that she had broken up with her boyfriend, who she lived with, was looking for somewhere to live and would he mind if she lived near; at the time my boyfriend didnt respond.She then sent another message saying it doesnt matter and she wasnt going to live near him anyway. So that happened the day before he told me. I was really pleased he told me and was happy that he felt he could mention it to me. However he then asked if i would be ok with him replying. I told him to do as he pleases and there was no more to it.However a few months ago another ex (someone he was on and off with over a year or so) from a couple of years back had messaged him, he had replied and met up with her for coffee whilst i was on holiday. When i came back i wasn't happy about this and told him so. She continued to message him and he was polite and replied until it got too much and he messaged telling her that given their history it was best they didnt stay in touch. This was our only issue and he did resolve it eventually but it took sometime. He knew i was upset about it throughout and i know he did the right thing eventually but he continued to message her for over a month - although this was sporadic and she always initiated contact.My point is why would he message this ex? He's already aware of how i feel about keeping in touch with exs after what happened earlier in the year. If i received a message from an ex i would honestly ignore it and forget it. I have no desire to speak to any ex partner and struggle to understand why he would want too?Why do you think he wants to respond? And what should i do about the situation?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2014): You know what my first love's mother used to tell me? She was a therapist btw. She told me that men often need things spelled out for them. No matter how good their intentions may be, there is no manual on relationships. She said you have to teach them and mold them to your liking. Because sometimes when you leave things up to them, assuming they "should" magically know this or that, you may find yourself disappointed time and again. You have to speak up and communicate what you like, what you don't, what is acceptable to you, and what isn't.
She would always tell the story of how when my boyfriends father first asked her out, he was a smoker. She told him she not would go out with him if he continued to smoke as she would not date a smoker. He never touched a cigarette again.
She was such an amazing, kind woman, very strong and wise and had been happily married to my boyfriends father for almost 30 years. She could be outspoken but she was always fair. She had no reservations about speaking her mind to her husband. I think he really loved and respected that about her. She got everything she ever wanted.
Speak up. That's all you need to do. Just speak up. Lay it all down. Set boundaries. Tell him what is not acceptable to you. That's all you need to do to get what you want.
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (22 December 2014):
I think some people are very worried about appearing rude and they feel that everyone will think badly about them if they DON'T reply to a message (or if they turn down the offer of meeting for coffee). And for some people thinking that other people think badly of them is a very unpleasent experience (even if that person isn't that important to them) - it's a personality trait.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2014): Hi im the op
i just dont understand why i should have to tell him no? Surely he should not want too?
I get what yous are saying but if hes happy with me why would he want to do that!
I dont want to be a controlling girlfriend who tells him what he can and cant do, i want him to respect me enough not to do something which he know will hurt me and he knows it''ll hurt me from discussions we had about a previous ex
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (21 December 2014):
 "My point is why would he message this ex? "
He messaged his ex- because YOU gave him permission to do so.....
You see.... we guys hate to let a girl "off the hook" if there's a chance - no matter how remote - that we can get her to put out for us.....
Girls like you... who allow us to keep the communications open with those "other" girls.... are a dream come true... since..... we can stay in contact... whilest having YOU for our "real G/F"..... the whole time....
However, given even the slimmest chance of getting to slip it to our "ex-".... then we will do so... and, THEN, we'll say, "Well... darn, you TOLD ME IT WAS O.K. to stay in-touch with her......"
The inference being that you KNEW that we'd slip it to her at the first opportunity... and, now that we have done so.... WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN SURPRISED??????
Tell him to stop communicating with ex- because you KNOW where he wants it to go... and that YOU are having no part of it!!!!!!
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2014): If you are not ok with it, why when he asked you told him to do as he pleases? You should've told him how you really feel, that you are not okay with it. I don't know why he does what he does. You should be more clear on where you stand as he doesn't think you mind. I agree with you that there is no good reason for him to be communicating with these girls. Maybe he likes being the "good" guy. I feel uncomfortable being in contact with an ex or someone I have been romantically linked with while I am in a relationship. When a relationship has crossed over into a romantic thing, that dynamic becomes a big part of the way you two interact. No matter how "platonic" it has since become, the romantic history between you and that person in a lot of ways still defines that relationship. There is no going around it.
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