A
female
age
41-50,
*appygirl 123
writes:My husband and I dated for three years and were sexually active. When we got married, I just stopped wanting sex at all, but I did continue to masturbate. I dreaded sex and just had no interest. And when I say dreaded I mean I would just pray I wouldn't have to do it, but I always felt immense guilt for not doing it. I feel it important to mention that I also developed crushes on guys I worked with along the way (none of them ever acted upon whatsoever). He stopped approaching me for sex all together. I would just always initiate when I could tell the lack of sex was building anger in him and when I knew we had gone too long without and I could put it off no longer. I always enjoyed the sex once we started the act, but just getting it in my head to get it going was overwhelming to me. Thus, he felt like sex was always like a duty to me (which I guess is true), and because I had a small sexual history before him, my lack of interest in sex really exacerbated my history in his eyes. He says if we hadn't had intimacy problems all those years, then my past wouldn't bother him as much and to the degree it does now. I met him when I was 18 years old and we have been together in total for 18 years so my "past" was a long time ago. I really had no emotional attachment to the people in my past. I didn't even enjoy the acts and really don't know what compelled me to do them. I think it was a lack of attention from my father. Nonetheless, this has plagued us for YEARS. One very major thing from my past that bothers my husband now is back when we were dating I told him that my ex-boyfriend (only other sexual partner besides him) had a big penis. It wasn't that much of a problem until about five years ago I had began talking secretly with this ex by email (non-sexual). My husband found out and was devastated. Now that we have both recently been able to turn this thing around (and we are only together because of the grace of God b/c I don't think many others could have come back from the bad we endured). Don't get me wrong, we always loved each other. Of course that was a huge part. And things weren't always all bad. The intimacy was just awful and it manifested in all other areas of the relationship. Now my husband feels humiliated and degraded because he is insecure about my past and about how he should act with me in the bedroom because I just didn't want him to really try anything on me (we had sex over the years just not enough and it was very robotic and methodical). Thus, he feels I will reject him if he really lets loose. We have made great progress, but it is still a large hurdle. He will come to me for reassurance on these issues, and I just get over emotional or angry because I feel he will eventually realize how horrible I am because of the things I did in my past or how horrible I've been in our marriage and leave. I get angry because I think, "I've been your wife for 15 years and we've had a child, and I don't deserve to be raked over the coals about my past any longer." But really he is just needing kindness and reassurance. Over the years he has been very angry and bitter and had a wall up so big he was just like a stone. Now, it is hard for me to see that he does need reassurance because he was such a self-sufficient hard ass for so long. I was ready to turn things around a lot sooner than he believes, but I couldn't break through his rock exterior that he had built against me. Thus, I have some hurt too. It is just hard, and I have squandered so much time with him that I don't want to lose anymore. I want him to feel good about me and us, but I hit a brick wall on how to get him there emotionally. The actual sex act has actually kicked off quite well. It's just the emotional. My parents were horrible roll models for marriage so I guess for years I was kinda inept in that department. Anyway.....If anyone cares to read an epic novel and comment on it, I would appreciate it immensely.
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crush, insecure, my ex, sexual past Reply to this Question
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 December 2014):
 I believe you married your husband because you have some kind of attraction to him. Years later, a child came along and you have less free time and privacy so sex was the least priority. You got stuck in that mode for a long time and didn't know how to break out of it. I would stop focusing on external things, things in the past and just work on creating emotional connection and passion, now. Basically stop analyzing why things didn't work. Instead look for things that work. Forgiving may take some time. Show him you want him. It could be a massage or complimenting one part of his body. You are not who you were at 18 and now you are in a different form. Sure your personality at your core is the same but you learn what you need to feel connected, to feel sexual. Resources are everywhere. Use that to your advantage.
A
female
reader, Happygirl 123 +, writes (21 December 2014):
Happygirl 123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe used to be great in bed. After we got married I just stopped wanting too and I don't know why. The reason it became robotic is because I just wanted to lay there. He didn't complain because we had sex so rarely that he was just glad we were doing it. We both hated it. He stopped trying after a while. Then he got to where he didn't want too either. I wanted to liven things up but I didn't know what to do. He completely quit trying after I showed him a list of things in a magazine and asked him if he wanted to try any. He picked one and I responded badly and told him I thought he was disgusting. I wish I hadn't and now looking back its not disgusting at all. I don't know why I thought so then. I want him to be like he was before it went bad. He said I've shot him down every time he's tried anything and that I need to stop pointing out problems and start offering suggestions. I just don't know what to suggest.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 December 2014):
 May I repeat my mantra:
If/when two people find that they are sexually/sensually/intimately incompatible... then there is NOTHING there, between them... and they are DOOMED if they believe that they can share a life together...
You and he need to part ways and get on with your lives...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Happygirl 123 +, writes (21 December 2014):
Happygirl 123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband is the best man I have ever known. He is a wonderful father and I'm afraid I have lost him because of my behavior. I told him about my ex being bigger he didn't ask. I don't know why I told him. He has never acted like marriage alone should entitle him to my body. He's tried very hard to be a loving husband. I don't want this to turn into a forum for angry women to bash men.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2014): You say the sex is robotic and methodical. And that your husband is afraid of rejection if he lets loose. To me, this seems to be the problem. I used to date this guy who was terrible in bed. Like you describe, robotic and methodical. It was always the same thing. But I was very young so didn't know any better so carried on with the relationship for years. But I hated to have sex with him. I dreaded it. It felt like a chore. I too would do it just to shut him up. It wasn't till after that relationship ended and I had sex with other men that I realized how bad this guy was in bed and that was the reason I didn't like to have sex with him. I think if your husband was sexier in bed you would enjoy it more. It is important for him to get that chip off his shoulder and let loose. My boyfriend is so fun to have sex with. He doesn't hold back at all. He builds up to it. Foreplay. He pulls my hair, pins me up against the wall, squeezes my boobies, talks dirty, buys me lingerie, communicates well what he likes, gets really into it. This position. That position. On the counter. In the shower. In the bed. The balcony. That ex I had would never do that. It was something like this: I'd be washing the dishes and he'd simply tug at my shirt and tell me he wants to have sex. That was his "foreplay." If I said no he'd throw a tantrum. If I said yes, I'd lay on the bed, with him uncomfortably sprawled on top of me, robotically pleasuring himself till he was done. It was gross. My boyfriend now, if I was washing the dishes and he wanted sex he'd get me in the mood first. He'd probably sneak up behind me and put his hands on my hips and kiss my neck and talk dirty to me. You see the difference? Your husband needs to work on his desirability in the sack. Maybe he should read some books, watch some porn, whatever will help him turn his sex appeal on.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (21 December 2014):
I need to be clear about one thing. Did the sexual problems happen because throughout the time he had been hounding you questions about your past, or you didn't like sex, the idea of it, with him, or just in general? Did he become unattractive to you because of his insecurity, or was there attraction at all when you first met him?
Saying to your husband that you had no emotional attachment to those guys did not help at all because guys look at marriage as a sacrifice. A sacrifice to freedom, being tied down so they forsake other women. To be fair there should be a good sex life in return. Your husband really felt those guys got the best deal. They pumped and dumped and needed responsibility. That's why he's so angry.
It's a problem when men think marriage alone should make women want to have sex. They seem to think all women need is a ring, a piece of paper, and a big dick to want sex. They need to learn women need an emotional connection.
"I always enjoyed the sex once we started the act, but just getting it in my head to get it going was overwhelming to me"
I am guessing you don't enjoy sex with him because he thinks you are a slut and he's obsessed about size every time. You felt he's not connecting to you at an equal level. You are just a hole for him to stick into because the marriage institution entitles him that. Is that right?
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A
female
reader, Happygirl 123 +, writes (21 December 2014):
Happygirl 123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionForgot to add: a year ago I had an emotional affair with a man at work. We talked and exchanged texts and I never intended anything sexual ( he clearly did). I went to his house one day when my husband didn't know and he tried to have sex with me. I left and felt guilty and told my husband. He was enraged and was angry for a long time. He has forgiven me but he isn't the same. I just want things to get better. Is there any hope?
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