A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What is wrong with my husband?Here's my story. We've been together 7yrs, married 3yrs. I don't have my family in the country and he doesn't have his family in the state. So it was just the 2 of us here. He met all of my friends, but I haven't met any of his. He's black, I'm Asian. He moved in with me not long after we met and his parents and friends back in his home state knew I was his girlfriend. After we met, one of his childhood friends called our home number and left a message saying he's a good guy, treat him right and be nice. He is indeed a good guy, I hope I'm not wrong on that after all these years.But things changed about 3yrs into our relationship. I found him on personals/dating sites, argued many times over it, he said he had no intention of meeting other women and eventually took the profiles down. Our sex life started to suffer and eventually it became non-existent. He had asked me to marry him about 6 months after we met and we eventually got married to get me a legal status in the country. Fast forward to present, I'm about 3months into discovering he's been cheating on me. He says it was only sex, we were not having sex, so he looked elsewhere, had no emotional attachment to the other woman. Initially he denied, lied about everything, lied about so many things actually... not just this affair. But he's asking me to take him back and work on the marriage. Promises to change and says he's been working on himself, changing, and becoming a better person.As if all this was not enough, I learned that his mom never knew we were married. Since we met, he never went home, his family never came to visit, so there was no chance to meet his family. His mom knew who I was and would say hi to me on the phone, but I never really talked to her. So that was a shock to both of us. Husband says he didn't tell his family of our marriage because of religion. His mom is pretty religious and I'm not. He's not either. I asked his mom about this and it was news to her as well. Since he got caught cheating, he's been avoiding his mom, not calling her and etc. So she still hasn't talked to him.THEN... I was going through his documents and discover he has a daughter. I confront him, he admits to having a daughter from past relationship (not marriage.) Says his family knows, but didn't tell me because he was afraid I would reject him and leave him. Why???? After all this, he still wants to prove his worth to me and asks me not to file for a divorce, and get back together. I mean, how much can I take? Both of us won't hurt by divorce financially, so it's not a concern. I have my papers ready to file, but when I see him and listen to him say all the right things about us and beg me for another chance, I start having doubts. Why would he disrespect me so much by hiding his child from me and not telling his family about our marriage? He says he loves me, crazy about me, and will not love another. But why would he do this to me if he loved me, right? He says I would not have understood if he told me about certain stuff, but I think he's just using that as an excuse. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm back with another question. I haven't filed for divorce yet, haven't seen or talked with husband for about two weeks. It's not a question about his, it's about his Mom. Up until last week her son hasn't called her, so she asked me if I could give her some numbers to reach him. I gave her a few numbers, but it wasn't of any help. She says she will hold off right now, will wait till she comes for a visit here in May if her work permits. The visit was her initial idea after talking with me the first time.
Since my husband is not calling his mom for whatever reason, I feel so bad for her. Hopefully husband will call her on Mother's day - I sent him an email begging him to call his mom and let her mind at peace. Now with Mother's day coming up, should I do something for her? Like send flowers or fruit basket or something?
Please bear in mind, I'm not trying to get back with her son, nothing of that sort. I just want to do smth nice for her since she now knows I've been married to her son. Before, while we were married, I always wanted to send her smth on Mother's Day or her birthday from her son and me together, but never really expressed it to my husband and he never initiated anything either.
I've been wanting to send her flowers with a note explaining this is what I or we should've done before, but never gotten around doing it, so this is my last chance and express we would've met properly or under different circumstances. Would it be offensive to her or would she misinterpret my intentions? Please advise. She already knows I'm thinking of divorce, but will be there if her son needs me. That's what I had told her. Please advise.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Soon567. I was only entertaining that idea, for some reason I thought it would help us somehow. But yes you're 100% right. I never thought I was doing it out of spite, but now I see why it can be perceived as such. I will just file for a divorce and move on. I'm not contacting his mom anymore, only reply to her when she asks me if I heard from her son. She has no other contact to reach him, so I'm in the middle anyways.Thanks again for being direct. I needed to hear this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you Miamine. When I read these comments and talk to my best friend, I totally understand why he might never change and the best way out is a divorce. But I haven't filed just yet. He still hasn't talked with his mom yet and she's worried, asked me to have him call asap. He hasn't contacted me for almost a week. I told his mom that he never mentioned his daughter to me all these years and she couldn't believe it. She says she used to talk with him on the phone about his child in my presence. No he never discussed his family business in my presence, always was in the next room or out in the hallway, I said. I told her I'm filing for a divorce, but her son says he loves me and would not grant me one.
So I've been thinking... what if I go see her one weekend, maybe a surprise visit to show her what kind of person he son has been married to and tell her everything on my chest? Or maybe send her a long email the day I file for a divorce... detailing all of his infidelity and lies he told me. He may even have called hookers, he denies it, but can't provide me with solid proof it wasn't him calling these suspicious numbers. I so want to tell all of this to his mom, let her know what kind of low her son has succumbed to.
However part of me thinks there is no gain in doing this, his mom will always be on his side. I could tell her everything, but her son's one word might erase all I said.
Should I do this? I would appreciate any feedback.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (15 April 2010):
 When men are liars and cheats, sometimes the only person who will make them ashamed is their mothers..
Of course, he's her son, he has to come first.. But not inviting her to the wedding has already got her thinking the worse.
He dosen't want anyone to know how badly he's behaved. I say, tell his mother everything, then tell her your getting a divorce and you can't stay. Call a lawyer and leave his mother to clear up the mess that he's made.
This one is a liar and a cheat, he disrespects you and he disrespects his mother.... there is no hope of change with this one, no matter what he promises you.
Is this what you call love? A man who lies, cheats and keeps secrets?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for taking time to address my concern. Yes, I realize it was a HUGE mistake not meeting his family before I married him. I've talked with his mom a couple of times since this happened, told her he cheated on me, but not in great detail. Husband got really upset with me for telling his mom about his lying and cheating ways. Said we could work it out without letting the whole world know about it. I only told my sister and best friend, they advise me to get out before it's too late.
I'm pretty much determined to file for a divorce, but a tiny bit of me thinking he might change if we do it right this time. But I think I'm just probably fooling myself.
I've been wanting to tell his mom everything he did, no matter how embarrassing they might be. Is it a wise idea?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): Why did you do not met with his family before marriage? it is nearly must for girls any way.
Did your parent and his parents never met?
if that is the case, problem are bound to occur. There are many girls around which will screw your marriage, if the Man is left completely unguarded.
Any way, if you want to save marriage, get familiarity to his family. Tell them the whole story. Also ask him to meet your parents. create a society pressure around him, i am sure he will stop doing all that he is doing.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 April 2010):
Frankly it's pretty clear that he's a serial liar and cheat. And it's clear you should leave. Nothing could fix the mess he has created here. He's just a lying cheat. I think you would have understood more about his child if he had told you, rather than let you find some document. This is a man you CANNOT trust under any circumstances. File for divorce.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
mmmm... why wasn't you two having sex?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
Your guy is a liar and a cheat.. dosen't matter that he's mother is religious, you two are married, not telling her is the worst thing he could do....
He's hiding you away, you may be married but he's not treating you like a wife... probably to stop people telling you about any girls he may be screwing...
Love... pppff.. you got a wedding ring, a guy who dosen't introduce you to his family and friends, a guy who hides his children and screws around behind your back.. you may have got married, but he is not acknowledging you as a wife, as far as his people (and other women) are concerned, he's a single man.
Sorry, but don't think this one can change, your in for a rough time if you stay with him...
Your best bet is to get in touch with his mother, make friends with her and tell her all your problems.. After all upon marriage, she became your mother and your family too.. try to be her friend, she might be able to support you and tell you how to handle him...
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (15 April 2010):
 He could not come clean with you because he feared that you would not be able to accept it.
If you think your marriage is worth saving , you could give it another shot .
If you think there is no trust and love in this relationship, it would be better that you let him go.
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A
female
reader, minda  +, writes (15 April 2010):
am just 23, i don know if i could give u a right answer but if i were in ur position, i would first ask myself how much i love him and if i can live without him.
second analyse how will it affect me if i leave him
third u dint mention if u have kids, i ll think about it
four, u re still just 30. u ve got to live ur life, don waste ur life in tension and pain and fear.
five if u are brave enough listen to ur instincts
he has not done it once or twice but so many times and i don think its quiet agreable
but if u gave him a chance fine
if u dint give him a chance and let that be final
let ur parents know about this
have a strong confidant by ur side
or do to him, what he did to u
ignore him
he will either come back to u (means he needs u )
or will live (good riddance to bad rubbish )
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