A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend of 11 months and I live together friday he had to go a thing for work for health insurance or something him and his cobworker car pooled together she's a girl but she's from Africa . Any way he had to go to another city which is maybe 45 minutes to an hour from where we live. He said when he got done he dropped her off at the work place and then went to see his mom and brother which is like 30 minutes away from where we live. But the problem is he showed me that their was a condom in his pocket. He sais hebstopped by his friends house before he went to his moms and his friend gave him it. Then he said he took it from his friend. However he never uses condoms and I'm on the iud. Idk if its just me but do you think he cheated on me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 October 2013):
 The OP has had 2 days of comments now on this thread. Does she have anything to say to all the aunts who took time to answer her question? Now would be a good time. :)If the other aunts who are commenting on this thread would like to discuss the topic further, perhaps one of you could write an article and then invite discussion? Or privately message one another? There are many ways to agree to disagree here. :)In the meantime, the OP is free to message me to have this thread reopened and provide a followup to all the aunts who have taken the time to reply.Best wishes.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (22 October 2013):
 Intrigued, yes I agree it's prejudiced, but it's an informed prejudice based on the same reasoning as why the Blood Transfusion Service won't accept blood donations from a person who has had sex with a sub Saharan African person, or a man who's had sex with a man - or a woman who's had sex with a homosexual/ bisexual man. Yes it prejudged and very un PC but it's also about safety, risks, etc. I don't know if that's why the OP mentioned the ethnicity, however. I am happy to stand by what I said being a regular blood donor, a biologist, and a liberal & tolerant member of society.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 October 2013):
You shouldn't have unprotected sex with anyone you're not committed to, regardless of their skin color. To suggest otherwise is good old fashioned racism.
The OP wasn't concerned with AIDS either, she just feels like African women aren't as desirable (from the sound of things).
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (21 October 2013):
 With all due respect Daisy Daisy, HIV affects everyone in all parts of the world. The OP made a statement that has an ethnocentric undertone and you are supporting this stereotype. I don't know if you realize this or not, but this is a form of prejudice. This is just as offensive as saying HIV is a gay disease, or white men are more dangerous, because statistics show that most serial killers are white males, or Arabs are terrorists, or Britain is full of people with bad teeth. Do you understand what I'm getting at? You cannot use a broad brush to paint a continent or a nation or a geographic area.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (20 October 2013):
Post script: if he did cheat on you (or plan to), better that he was 'prepared'' I suppose. Seriously, if you have doubts then talk this through with him. Obviously if he cheated then it's game over so you have to get to an honest answer from him.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (20 October 2013):
In fairness to the OP, HIV rates are significantly higher amongst Africans (e.g. I know I can't donate blood if I have unprotected sex with a sub Saharan African). It's a sad reality that unprotected sex with an African is more risky.
OP, did he show you the condom, or did you find it? That's critical, and you left it out of your post. Did you ask why his friend gave it to him? It's very hard to answer your question with the little info you gave. Really, talk to him and if you're in any doubt then do not have unprotected sex with him.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (20 October 2013):
"BUT she's from Africa"? Let me tell you that there are some stunning African women out there, so it's entirely possible he did cheat. It's just as likely as if the girl was from wherever you wouldn't have felt the need to mention her ethnicity.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 October 2013):
 maybe he put it in his pocket in the hopes to sleep with this girl but it never happened?
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (20 October 2013):
 I can't see why this girls ethnic origin is pertinent to story, is it relevant?
I'm not sure I'm getting the story, he went to a work thing and car pooled, the meeting was about 1 hour drive away but we're not given the times, you then tell us he said he visited his family after and that they're 30 minutes away and he also visited his friend on the way back.
I have no time frames and cannot see why any of this is of any relevance! Why are you telling us this? Is it because he should have been back by a certain time but was 3 hours late or something?
The only thing I get is that he had a condom that he
1) showed you
2) says his friend gave him
3) never uses because you're using an IUD
OK based on this info:
He could be cheating on you
He might not
It's very weird that his friend should have given him a condom, why would he do that? It's weird that your boyfriend took it, why would he do that? He showed you it, why would he do that?
I really don't have the answer, only he knows that and I'm afraid I have little else to play detective with.
You clearly have your own suspicions and don't trust him so you need to talk to him about this and tell him how you feel.
However he may just lie, you're the one who's going to have to figure out if he's telling the truth, his story is believable and where you go from there.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013): Wow. I don't think he's cheating but you never know. Maybe he showed it to you to say his friend gave it to him so you wouldn't find it and freak out. Since you mentioned another woman, the co worker, maybe you're concerned that he did something with her? We should always follow our intuition, but not jump to conclusions. considering you know all his itinerary for that day (or at least he told you so you acn check up on it), I would say he's not cheating. Just my opinion
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (20 October 2013):
Why did you mention that the girl was from Africa? What does that have to do with anything?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (20 October 2013):
 Condoms are one of the things that's useful in unexpected times but when you don't, they are eye sores that you have to get rid of. Your boyfriend showed it to you, because he didn't want you to find it yourself then think he's cheating. When my mom (who's 65) visited me there was condom in her suitcase. She said it was from the Florida trip and the hotel gives everyone a condom. I am single and I still had the box of condoms, long forgotten in the bathroom. If I have a friend who's sexually active I will definitely give it to her before the expired date. Unless you have more reasons to suspect your boyfriend you should trust him.
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