A
female
age
,
*illette
writes:This is not my first time on this site. Finally I made the decision to end a long term relationship that was awful. I had discovered my ex had been having online sexual chats with his ex, I left. After many ''I'm sorry's and she means nothing, I want you,'' I took him back. The problem is he never stopped, and recently I found a text to another woman he knows. I feel like a complete fool, I knew, even when I went back I would never trust him again. I am ashamed that I read his text messages, something I would of never considered doing before. I guess my question is why? I have been totally faithful to him for 6 years, have given him everything. Why would someone who won't let you go, professes his love for you and talks about our future want to risk losing someone because he can't stop his contact with other woman. He knows how badly I hurt and yet he still doesn't seem to care, and acts like it is no big deal, thinks it's harmless because he hasn't had actual physical contact. Please help me to come to my senses, it is cheating right? and that I'm not behaving crazy like he seems to think.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 September 2016):
 Men have the magical ability to completely turn off the "decency" portion of our brains and act like total dirtbags.... all the while convincing ourselves that we are "just being guys"....
A lady who's unlucky enough to meet and fall for such a guy has a long row ahead of her... and it ain't filled with "pollyanna" fairytales....
ON behalf of this total a$$wipe, I apologize to you. NOW.... go out and find a DECENT guy for a partner...
Good luck....
A
female
reader, Gillette +, writes (3 September 2016):
Gillette is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. I have taken all the measures needed to prevent him from trying to contact me. I guess I will never understand why he would chose to do that when he had a relationship, but I will stay strong and move forward. I am worth it!!
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (3 September 2016):
 You are NOT crazy. Yes, this absolutely counts as cheating. Do not give him the time of day when he tries to claim otherwise. He is hoping that you are weak enough to accept this kind of treatment if he talks you into it the right way. Of course he'd like to keep a partner WHILE having free rein to sext and flirt with other women! But that doesn't make it right.
While he "may" not have done anything physical - if you can even trust him to be honest about that, since he's clearly OK with lying to you - he chose to go outside his committed relationship to meet his needs emotionally and novelty-wise rather than going to you, his long-term partner. Most people in committed, closed relationships would agree that this is not acceptable behavior. Some would consider it a deal-breaker even the first time around. Whatever he may try to tell you, it's definitely *not* harmless, because it robs you of your ability to trust him and it robs your relationship of the intimacy he should be sharing with you and is instead directing to other women.
You gave him a second chance, which not everyone in your situation would have been willing to do. And he repaid your willingness to forgive with more lying and more secret sexting. Although as a general rule the privacy of a partner's personal correspondence should be respected, I can't even fault you for checking on his text messages after he betrayed you the first time, because trust is a privilege and he had already forfeited that. And clearly, your instincts that he was still hiding things from you were spot on.
I can't advocate in any way for trying to save this relationship, because your partner won't even admit he is in the wrong, let alone try (or seek professional help) to combat what is likely a sex addiction. What he's asking is that you stick around and be treated like a doormat, no questions asked. It's toxic and unhealthy, and it will make you absolutely miserable in the long run.
You deserve much better than a partner who "knows how badly [you] hurt" and decides it's "no big deal" to keep hurting you. But your life can't improve until this loser is no longer a part of it. Get your ducks in a row - make sure you have control of the money and possessions that are rightfully yours, if you share finances and/or a household - and end the relationship. If it's his house you live in, find a place of your own. If it's yours, tell him to pack his things and leave. Be firm about it. Don't answer his calls or texts; block him on social media if you use it. Don't allow him any further platform to try and justify why it's OK for him to treat you like this, because it's not.
Hope this helps. May you find the strength and self-love to move forward and seek happiness. Best wishes!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 September 2016):
 He doesn't care about hurting you because he doesn't think what he did was wrong, EVEN after seeing how it hurt you.
He wants to do whatever he feels like, and he thinks you should just suck it up.
In short...He doesn't care about you as deeply as you have cared about him.
He doesn't WANT to let you go, because he knows you are better than he deserves.
Unfortunately, you don't seem to know that you DESERVE a better man than this.
And yes, I would consider it cheating. He is INVESTING time, effort, energy and emotions INTO another woman besides you. That to me IS cheating. Specially if it's something he KNOWS you are not OK with, and if he has been hiding it.
So BE GLAD that you have decided to end it for good and may I suggest you CUT all communication with this guy. Block him, delete him, unfriend, whatever you need to do to prevent him from trying to convince you that what he is doing is OK.
YOU already know that the way he has been treating you is NOT OK. It's not HOW you want to be treated. So let him go. And set yourself free.
You chose to be faithful in every sense in the relationship, he CHOSE not to. So right there... you will see you two aren't really compatible.
Of course he thinks it's "harmless fun" because HE is the one doing it... If it had been you, he would have been up in arms.
LET him go. WANT more for yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2016): Certain kinds of men dont have the capacity to be faithful but they require a faithful woman as a prop!
They know that if they dont allow you to read text messages then you will remain in happy oblivion which is the same as them being faithful to you!
In fact you will be told you damaged the relationship by sleuthing and reading texts.
He will bang on about how you betrayed him by reading his texts!
I wouldnt bother to feel 'not proud'about your sleuthing actions because you took it upon yourself to discover the truth!
Perhaps you were looking for a higher degree of honesty in a a man, but now that he knows you are prepared to sleuth he will have to take further actions of concealement.
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