A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey,so I've been dating this guy for a month we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend but he likes to say we are and act like it. Anyway we cut things off a while ago and decided to just be 'friends' his choice not mine (He's muslim and said we can't be together) which was fine and I understood everything and even the arranged marriage speech he gave me. He went skiing with work and decided he wanted to see me when he got back since he had a few days off work I warned him if he came round we would delete and block each other the next day he told me he refused to delete my number etc so he came round to see me we had sex and he was going on how much he had feelings for me etc, bought me chocolate back from france and how he thought I was beautiful that day we went on a walk and for the first hour something seemed off but then we feel back into the same routine of acting like a couple hand holding etc. When we got home I gave him his business card back to which he said "it all started with this fucker" and yes it did but then I cooked him dinner and snuggled then he got up quickly and said I have to leave lets delete numbers so did and blocked me so I can't message or call him why did he change his mind so quickly? He was messaging someone else before I walked him out, I asked who it was and he said an ex mentee but from what I'd seen it looked like more then told me to walk him to his car which I did we kissed and hugged for about 30mins I told him I hated him but really meant I love you he told me he hated me too. I don't know what to think anymore? He promised me I was the only one and he wasn't sleeping with anyone else but I feel like he might have been lying. I know we can't speak anymore but we share some of the same events and right now I don't want to see him again but I never wanted to delete each other I just said it to see if he wanted that. Did I mess things up? I also caught him googling my pill while I was out of the room why did he do that? He also took my virginity he's 29 and I'm 19 I really just don't know what to do?Thanks
View related questions:
I love you, muslim Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 March 2014):
 I assume 'Muslim' also means he's from the middle east or nearabouts.
OP, it's important to remember that where he comes from women do not dress and behave the way they do in the west. I'm not referring to the very loud and vulgar minority who draw unnecessary attention to their drunken, tacky exploits, but every day women. To a great many of them western women are whores despite how gentlemanly they may appear at the beginning.
Your man friend is no different. Why else would he become intimately involved with a woman he knew and stated ahead of time would only be short term? Did he think you two were going to spend all your time together holding hands?
He wanted a reliable hook up on stand by but he wouldn't dare approach a woman from his own culture. The fallout with angry male relatives would be too close to home. To him western women are disposable.
He is not your friend and never was. All you were, all you would ever have been to him was a reliable piece on the side.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 March 2014):
 I have to agree with Maureen1979.
He told you there would be no relationship yet he strung you along with texting and calling, where he really should just have cut you off from the get go. BUT he wanted sex and sure enough he got it, and once he had had sex with you he is off to new things.
You did the mistake MANY younger (and some older ones too) women make. YOU had sex in hopes that he would then LOVE you and want to be with you. That is not how it works.
He googled your pill? As in birth-control one?
I'm sorry but he played you. He got you in bed and your virginity at that - he is off to the next virgin. And he will keep doing that til his parents ship him off to get married or his bride arrives in the UK.
Cut the contact 100% - he doesn't want you for a GF. I'm sorry. He used you.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2014): When you told him you understand about never being able to be with him, he heard the opposite, because he knows you could never understand. When you told him you should delete and block each other, it solidified that assurance he had that you could never be together.. and that you could never understand.
...............................
A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (13 March 2014):
His religion may genuinely be why he could'nt date you officially if at all. But he's known all his life what is expected of him by his family and religion when it comes to dating within his own religion. This should have stopped him from leading you on but he did anyway. Shame on him!He's also older than you so should know better. To me he seems to have used you emotionally and sexually. That is a big concern. I'm sorry to say this but you're nothing more to him than a good shag to him. I also doubt you're the only girl he's getting it on with. He's acting shifty messaging other people who are likely to be other girls. None of this is healthy or positive.Don't try to figure out the why's, how's etc just let him go. He's honestly imo not worth the time of effort. He's a bad one. Be cautious and careful of his intentions because I doubt they're good.
...............................
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (13 March 2014):
 I hate to say it that he knew he was never going to marry you and should never have got into any form of relationship. He googled your pill to ensure it was birth control and you were not going to fall pregnant and trap him. That was really low of him. Honey you are young and no did not deserve what he did, but he is an ass and I suggest you make sure that you don't contact him again and if he comes back, no matter what he offers stay clear, he will not change and will just want you around for him to feel better. Move on and don't even be friends , someone that loved you would not do what did.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2014): Intrigued3000 makes some amazing points. I really loved that response. To give you my take on it, I will say to you that I dated a man who was born in a Muslim country for the first time recently. I fell in love quickly because he is so warm and passionate and gives me something no one else ever has. I heard from a mutual friend of ours who used to date him that he is under pressure from his family to marry a woman from his background and probably his country to have children. I felt on some level he loved me and that he also was with me for sexual reasons although he certainly allowed himself to feel love for me. I will still see him although I am beginning to think it may not go anywhere although I still have some hope. I hope for your sake that in the future you will say what you mean and not set yourself up to be dramatically cut off by saying you want to delete each other and that you hate him when you mean the opposite. You were in pain and he was also in pain. Neither of you handled it as well as might be hoped for but we ALL make mistakes in communication when we are in pain. It is part of being human. Forgive yourself and forgive him and let yourself grieve and heal and move forward and you will find someone amazing who will not leave you. Mature love is open, vulnerable, honest, kind, and present even when things get difficult. It keeps no secrets and does not need to hide.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 March 2014):
 Since he's a Muslim, before he began anything with you he knew something you didn't: that he might not end up with you after all, because of religion and all. In my books, this is dishonest. But let's say he was interested and deep inside of him his inclinations were fighting his circumstances.
Then he became hot and cold, and finally left. This is what matters. He left you.
I have a feeling that he might want to return after a while. Don't let him. If he's gone, he's gone.
You see, if he has to fight his circumstances to be with you, he might at least have a clear picture of what he will do. He can't leave you now just to return later. Make sure this is the end of it, and find someone who doesn't have any doubts about being with you, or any circumstances which prevent him from being with you.
The circumstances did not prevent him from sleeping with you, right? Deep inside of me, I think he just took advantage. But I want to think I have a dirty mind and am misdjudging the fellow.
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (13 March 2014):
 Oh sweetie, I feel for you. OK to answer your questions...No I don't think he was sleeping with anyone else. He was probably texting a family member and didn't want you to know. I'm sure he made sure to keep you totally separate from his family so they would never find out about you. This would bring dishonour to the family. He is a coward for not wanting to marry you or be in a proper relationship with you. He's going to keep coming back to you for sex, and prepare yourself, he is going to leave you to marry the woman his family picks for him. Do not entertain any romantic notions that he's going to defy his culture and traditions to be with you. That only happens in the movies. The reality is that love is not enough for him. Family, honour, culture and religion plays a big part in his choice for a wife.
So dust yourself off, grieve, be thankful that it was only a month and not longer, and cherish the fact that you lost your virginity to someone you truly cared about and loved. There are a lot of women out there who wish their first time could be like yours, so look at it positively.
Lastly, it sounds like you had a beautiful experience with him. There was mutual love and caring and affection, so all in all it was good, except for the ending. Tragic really. I won't be surprised if you hear from him years later, when he remembers the sweet times he had with you (of course you'll be over him by then). For now, you have to protect yourself from further hurt. Delete / Block his number and try your best to move on. He did care for you, but not enough to want to marry you, so while it was a beautiful experience, you must also remind yourself that he will have no issues walking away from you when the time comes. He is not going to change his mind about that. It's his loss, not yours. You're much better off without him. Trust me on this.
...............................
|
