A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So me and my boyfriend have been together around 7-8 months before me there was a girl at work he was friends with or so he says he was friends with they talked on Facebook and he'd give her lifts home she then started to tell people he'd tried it on with her and she'd knocked him back. I've seen the messages and they are pretty flirty on both sides and when I've asked her about it she says he didn't try it on with her and he says she's not his type and he doesn't find her attractive. Anyway there were a couple of other girls saying he was messaging them and when he'd go on Facebook or whatever there messages were there but the conversations were deleted. This was before me so I didn't care but recently there's a girl he's messaging that is from his old work. Anyway we've been having a crappy time, he always takes his phone everywhere all of a sudden like in the shower charges it in the next room takes it when he gets a drink. I turned up at his the other day he turned off his phone and was like oh I don't want it on anyway when he turned it on after I told him to check it for something he had a message from this girl and was quickly trying to get off it and scroll down pretending it was another message and I was no it's that one man hahaha making a joke as I didn't see the problem however the message was quite flirty and had loads of kisses when he thought I wasn't looked he clicked on the messages and all the conversations had been deleted again! I asked why he deleted them so calm and he went bright red and shouted "oh I knew you'd f***ing kick off which is why I deleted the messages for god sake that's why I didn't want you to see I swear on my life it's innocent ERGH" I just don't see why he'd delete them if it was innocent anyway I'm looking for some advice as I feel in my gut he's flirting and messaging other people which he disallows me to do. I don't know whether I'm paranoid or have a right to feel this way? Why would he delete messages if they were innocent? I'm 20 he's 29
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (26 December 2014):
Either he's trying to cheat on you or he deletes them because if you see flirtatious messages you'll be upset. Pick whichever answer you prefer since there's no way we could know the truth.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 December 2014):
 Yea, IF they were SOOOOO innocent he would have shown them to you to make SURE you don't have to doubt. INSTEAD he deleted them and went on the offensive, BLAMING you for being UPSET at his behavior.
For whatever reason you do not trust your gut and you "think" you have to have PROOF of cheating. YOU don't. You don't HAVE to try and snoop either.
YOU know what he is doing is shady. HE knows what he is doing is shady. Swearing on "his life" means absolutely nothing. Empty gesture. It sounds grand, but in reality it's just BULL like his behavior. He has a HISTORY of flirting with girls online. He isn't going to stop because he has a GF... Because even IF he knows it's not exactly the "right" thing to do in a relationship, he still feels entitled to do it. And he holds it as a double standard. He may flirt (as long as you don't find you - in his head) but he has already told you that YOU may not do the same. And why do you think that is? Because he PRESUMES that you are EASILY led. My guess is, that is also why he is dating someone (you) so much younger then himself. It gives him the feeling of having the upper hand.
Personally, I'd walk away.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014): Facebook has caused problems in my relationship in the past, I won't go into details as this isn't about me, but for the sake of our relationship which without a doubt is far more important than Facebook, we decided to both delete our accounts permanently. You and your boyfriend need to have a long chat about this and lay your cards on the table, go for broke and tell him how important he and this relationship is to you and find out how he feels about it too. But be prepared to be strong and walk away because he may value his Facebook account too much and simply tell you that you're too paranoid and insecure and that he shouldn't be in a relationship with you, and that will be his decision there will be nothing you can do about that except respect it and leave and move on. If he does value your relationship then I'd advise you to tell him that you can't be with him if he has a Facebook account, it just doesn't work in a relationship it's like having a relationship containing three people not two. Even sadder Facebook is a virtual world it's not even reality yet people treat it as the be all and end all to their lives. What have learnt from experience is that it's impossible to remain happy with someone even if you love them and want to be with them, when you're constantly worrying and feeling insecure and second best to his online life and his female "friends". If you don't trust him and can't sort this out with a mutual understanding and agreement then you have to be strong and walk away. That's it really I can't say anything else as I don't know the truth I only know what you have said here. Good luck and merry Christmas.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 December 2014):
 Sounds to me, like you've discovered that your "boyfriend" is a deceitful cad who has no respect for you (and for what YOU think is "going on" between the two of you)... and so he's gone to that "guy" scheme of blaming YOU for what's happening (that you have discovered and are challenging him about his, obvious, infidelity)....
.... AND, you seem to be "on the fence" about GIVING HIM A PASS!!!!
Get off the fence, take back the pass... and GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE.... WITHOUT HIM!!!!!
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014): Your boyfriend is clearly flirting with other females and instead of taking action you just make a fuss.
Clearly he sees no boundaries and he plays you like a cheap fiddle. Face the fact the guy is a player, and dump his sorry ass. He is exactly the type of guy a smart woman would kick to the curb. Not compete with other females who tell you to your face he is coming on to them. Almost mocking you for being so naive!
What is the freaking point of staying with someone who obviously doesn't respect you and is constantly contacting other females? If you don't like it, do something about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014): My ex behaved exactly like that. Also deflected by having a go at me for my apparent paranoia. He was cheating. You have two choices. Back off and wait for him to make a really obvious mistake and you find the evidence on his phone or just leave him on the basis of your (already correct) instinct and partial evidence.
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