A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is a friendly guy but he takes it too far with women he doesn't know well. When we were going through a bad patch he struck up a friendship with his new single neighbour and she then came on to him despite knowing about me and this caused a lot of problems. I blame him for crossing the line and confiding in her too much. Fast forward three months and he was texting a woman he was going to buy something from online. He said it was ok as she had a boyfriend and he was just asking more questions about a computer she was selling. Texts like "Have a good week end" and days later from him "Thank you for your kind words" were on his phone. We have an open policy now with our phones after the last time we had problems so yes I snooped but only this once. He said I'm looking for trouble and this was totally innocent but to me it looks like they have been chatting between texts.He said yes it could be misconstrued but it's innocent. I still feel uneasy. I don't know what to do now...... I want to stay calm and be rational but something doesn't add up.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014): Doesn't seem like there's a reason for you NOT to stay calm and rational about this, as I see nothing that he's done wrong really, at least not from the messages you mentioned you seen. One thing you should be concerned about us your ability to trust him, which it doesn't seem you have, if I'm honest. The way I'm looking at this is that he's already explained to you there's nothing wrong and it's all innocent, yet you don't believe that, you're trusting your gut instinct which is just a feeling you're having in the pit of your stomach when you really worry about something that (in this case) may not actually exist. This is something that will likely be ongoing throughout your relationship without the presence of trust. Another way you could look at this is would he keep any messages on his phone which he didn't want you to see, because they're of a distasteful nature? Surely not. I know I wouldn't (not that I would have anything to hide from my partner anyway). Of course I don't know for a fact the truth, only your boyfriend does, but to me it doesn't sound like he's lying. Maybe consider breaking up if you feel it's too much for you to trust him. That way in the long term nobody is getting hurt over things like this. Im speaking from experience myself.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 December 2014):
 My guess is, HE saves the INNOCENT looking texts and delete the others. That way (because of your "open policy") you will be in the dark as to what really goes on.
With the neighbor it's kind of 50/50 whether it's his "fault" that she hit on him. She might have misread his words/actions for interest, BUT he might also have seemed WAY more interested then he really was, thus fooling her into thinking he was HOPING for her to hit on him.
If this is a constant thing with him, chatting with random women then either he is a BIG flirt, very friendly OR he is looking to have some fun on the side.
As for the "open policy with phones" well I guess this is how it is in this generation who lives on their phones/Facebook - I'm a LOT older and there is not any of that crap needed for me. I've been married for 17 years and NEVER gone through my husband's cell phone/e-mail. Being his wife doesn't really GIVE me the right to do so. He WILL show me dumb texts from just about anyone and doesn't feel a need to hide stuff from me. TRUST have to BE in a relationship or it will fail. And BUILDING trust starts with your partner's behavior. IF he is doing things that YOU find shady, then maybe HE isn't for you. Specially if all he does is TURN the issue on to you.
In a relationship I think it's PRETTY vital to TALK about what's OK and what is NOT OK. And to find common ground with values and morals. If it's NOT OK for you to do ABC, it's NOT OK for him to do it either. And LYING? Not OK. I'm not talking the small little lies EVERYONE tells, but the ones that coves up BREAKING the rules, trust and respect in a relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014): Excuse me? You site all the evidence of him consorting with two other women and you don't know what to do?
You know what to do, but you don't want to do it.
He's one of those crafty guys who knows how to use ambiguity in his text messages, and text in his own special code to exchange flirtations with other women. It's almost a game he and the other woman plays to see how much they can say to each other, and come across confusing and indirect. Yes, he has an open-phone policy alright; and he's cheating right in your face. Using code-language, and you're too clingy to know when to call it quits.
If you choose to stay in a relationship with a guy who can't cut flirtatious contact with other females, that's your problem, not his. He's winning from all sides.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 December 2014):
 What do you mean by "confiding in her too much"?? And why do you have an "open policy" with your phones?? Did he cheat on you? If he cheated on you, why are you still with him??
Relationship are build on MUTUAL trust. It's a trust violation to break into a cell phone to invade someone's privacy. Would you allow a stranger or a platonic friend to do it at will?? Why is it alright for a boyfriend or girlfriend to do it?? People are so worried about whether they can trust their boyfriend or girlfriend that they break trust in order to investigate trust.
I'm not talking about husband/wife, because legally, it's a single financial household entity. But even then, one shouldn't be constantly surveilling their spouse either. There should be privacy and freedom even in marriage.
This guy you have though sounds like his ego likes female attention, even if he isn't cheating. An internet sale should be impersonal, a few questions, a purchase, goods and money changing hands, and done.
I would probably leave him if he's untrustworthy and not worry about snooping and all of that stupid stuff.
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A
female
reader, NaeIsWithYae +, writes (26 December 2014):
I'd be suspicious. If some other woman besides you is contacting your guy and not just for simple innocent business and if he hasn't told you then they may not be innocent.
Do not confront him like you want to fight but just ask him so you can understand if he's not cheating on you. If he opens up your blessed, if not and denies, I suggest you try moving on. He may not be loyal anymore.
When in a relationship, your supposed to be his one and true. And the same with you also. He shouldn't be getting involved with other women if he really loved you.
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