A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi i have a problem that i could really do help with, a few yrs ago i got talkin to my now partener online, we got on really well and we live 6hours away from eachother we started to fall for eachother back then, but i got back with an ex of mine that lived up the road an he got with some1 else, we stayed in touch but only now an then with the odd txt msg, then we split with our parners n got talkin on webcam he told me he fell for me hook line and sinker that he was mad about me and i loved every minute of it n felt the same, then he came down to meet me we spent the weekend together n had the best time ever, untill he went home, he became ill now i dont mean disease ill i mean he had galdstones and had to have a operation an couldnt come to see me for 4months but we started to argue alot an when he last came down he didnt seem to have the same look in his eye for me anymore didnt seem as interested, i asked him was it some1 else he said no, and i thought well what could it be, i tried to put a picture of me and him on a website the other night an he went mad at me told me he loves me but hes not in love with me an it really hurt! not just that but he said this reltionship is not real, i cried, n told him it was over ignored him for 24hrs an he was tellin me he loves me n always will n hes sorry for puttin me though all this an now hes booked himself a ticket to come and see me and spend valentines with me??? my heads really screwd up i ask him why an he says he wont come then but in the next breathe he says hes comin anyway. now my question is, why would he come to see me if he didnt have the feelings for me or even if it didnt feel real to him?? can anybody help me please because im really confused thank you for taking your time to read and if you have any advise for me please dont hesitate thank you xx Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): from what i read,it looks like its one sided. i think more is going on in his life than he is saying. his changing of plan may depend on whether he's make or break with a woman near his home. be careful.
A
female
reader, curious0hot  +, writes (4 February 2010):
 From what you've described, he wants to keep your relationship with each other secret. The "love not in love" bit is often said when someone wants to keep you around for now, but doesn't see a future with you. I wouldn't be surprised if he is just using you between "real" relationships.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (4 February 2010):
 The whole situation sounds very confusing.
You had an online "partner" who you can't see very often because of the distance - and long-distance relationships are difficult to maintain in any case - then you got back in touch with an ex-boyfriend. Next thing is the long-distance man has to have surgery for gallstones - a pretty bad ordeal, which might well have caused him to rethink things and look at life from a new perspective.
I say that because he clearly recognizes that online relationships where you meet only occasionally are rather unreal. Its hard to really get to know a person, bad qualities as well as good, and to find out if you are both genuinely compatible when the infatuation wears off - as it always does, sooner or later - but this, understandably upset you and maybe to pacify you he decides to visit for Valentine's Day anyway. There's evidently an element of feeling guilty in his booking a ticket because he told you he was sorry for putting you through all this - and I'm sure he is sorry. However, you could sense the interest was no longer there, but didn't want to acknowledge that, and gave him something of a hard time.
Remember: he told you he loves you, but is not "in love" with you. That translates as: he does care about you, and probably enjoyed the friendship, but does not see any potential for it to really go anywhere.
Anyway, you told him - out of disappointment and anger, it's true - that it was over. Maybe you'd do best now to stick to that decision and let it BE over.
The only thing is that if he has already booked the ticket he might not be able to get a refund if he cancels now - although, wait a minute, some airlines will let you use a ticket to fly so long as you do so within a year. You can choose a different destination, so that might be the solution to that dilemma. But that's up to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): This guy sounds a bit strange to me, no offence but if he's upsetting you so much surely its not a good relationship. He may only be coming to see you because he feels guilty about making you cry.
If i'm 100% honest tho, I'd say go on a break. stay friends and talk to him but maybe you both just need time to cool down a bit and think about what you both really want.
Sorry if this hasn't helped
Best of luck
xx
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