A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why would anyone think that it is okay to start off a marriage with a huge lie regarding past betrayal??? I've been reading people's responses to questions regarding cheating, and am specifically perplexed that anyone would think that it is OK for someone to lie to their partner before marriage about having cheated on them, and then have the "lack of character" to deceive their partner into a marriage where they will be lied to everyday of the marriage???? How is this OK?? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): Liars never cared, and will never care, about your happiness and well-being.
Mercilessly expel them all from your life, and prosper.
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (22 August 2010):
 I'm not saying it is okay to lie about the past. In fact, I believe I did write that I'd expect anyone I was dating would talk about his ex-wife or gf(s) sooner or later as part of him (and me) letting one another know what sort of people we are.
I'm coming from the position that when you're a bit older you would assume the person you're currently seeing has had other girlfriends in the past. I don't know that I'd necessarily want to hear lots of details, BUT if past relationships are ones that are still causing pain (or were traumatic; a bitter divorce, etc.) if he wanted to tell me about it, I'd listen and empathize with "him".
Otherwise, its "his" past and, unless "he" needs to let me know "he" has an STD, or is separated but not divorced yet; or treated his ex very badly, then not to reveal something like that would involve deception, and most certainly not okay.
Or, to put it another way: you can't change your own past history, let alone anyone else's......
Hope that clarifies it a bit.....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): "Now: If you begin dating someone and they have had girlfriends/boyfriends they had sex with, previous relationships before "you" and "he" became an item, that is another matter entirely."
What makes it okay to lie about the past?
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (22 August 2010):
 It isn't. I suspect that what a lot of aunts who go with the 'let the past be the past' line are actually getting at is that, having been in a relationship for a reasonably long period of time, the good things that have happened in the recent past should outweigh whatever happened earlier. A couple that has invested 2, 10 or 20 years into each other should give their relationship a chance regardless of what went before.
It doesn't mean that what happened before was right, but rather that the future being more important in the past, forgiveness may be a better idea than holding on to the skeletons of the past.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (22 August 2010):
I have not seen the posts have read (or are referring to).
But, I can state categorically that not one of the various aunts and uncles on here would EVER say that its alright to deceive someone by deliberating misleading them with the intent to basically "trick" the person into marriage. Nor would anyone say that when in a committed relationship its ever "okay" to cheat.
Now: If you begin dating someone and they have had girlfriends/boyfriends they had sex with, previous relationships before "you" and "he" became an item, that is another matter entirely.
Personally, I would expect that any man I began going out with would, sooner or later, talk about his ex-wife or girlfriends - not necessarily in detail, but would at least mention it as part of revealing who he is. And vice versa. But its "his" or "her" history; not yours.
And - forgive me - but while we're on the subject, I'll just add that after you begin seeing someone - and hopefully getting to know one another as friends first rather than rushing into anything - each of you is free to continue dating others. UNLESS you have both agreed you want to be exclusive, AND/OR have begun sleeping together - in which case, the expectation on both sides would be that while your relationship lasts, you do not date anyone else.
If you have long-time platonic friends of the opposite sex that's also differen. No reasonable person would demand you give up seeing old friends from time to time, and hopefully, you'd want to include your new boyfriend or girlfriend in those meetings.......
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A
female
reader, heartbroken101  +, writes (22 August 2010):
 its not
and the person is definately going to get hurt later down the track...this could go way out of proportion and the person being lied to could end up with very low self-esteem and hurting themselves or others. if you know someone who is lying to someone i suggest you talk to them about it. stress to them how wrong it is. im shocked that people could actually do that!
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