A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I haven't seen my father in nearly a year. He travels a lot, but lives in the same state as I do. I really want to visit him, and I've told him several times that I would, but he always replies that he's busy, it's not a good time, or that he's going out of town soon. He never talks to me in detail about what's going on with him, but there's obviously more to the story... there's a reason he can't see me, or doesn't want to, and I feel confused: There could be so many reasons, and obviously he IS hiding something, but I don't know what.My parents have been divorced for years, and he never talks about a "significant other," but I sense that there's someone in the picture. I do know that he's been involved with someone for years, and I think he may even be married to this person now. I know it seems strange to get married and not tell your kid, but I do know this: Several years ago, I did visit him and there was someone in the picture then (I know that she owned horses). About a year ago, he moved to another town, and never told me his address (just a PO box), and all that I know is that he has horses now, or access to some. He knows how much I love horses and I asked him to teach me to ride but he says that "Diablo" (not the horse's real name) isn't suitable for riding because he's lame. Perhaps I'm just insecure, but I have a feeling that his wife/SO/girlfriend doesn't want him to have anything to do with me, and he's chosen her over me. That's happened to me with a series of guy friends... I've had several friends that got into relationships, their girlfriends asked them to abandon me as a friend, and they were so whipped that they did it to please the gf. I'm scared that it's happened with my own flesh and blood. I've always felt like an outsider in my immediate family. I'm a very trustworthy person, but there have been things that happened that suggest my parents see me as an outsider or don't trust me. For example, my grandfather's suicide. I always suspected it, but my mom never told me (it was her father, and he hung himself). I found out from one of my cousins, who knew, and my dad confessed that it was true. Maybe it was painful but I feel like my mom didn't feel like I deserved to be confided in. That's the only example that comes to mind, but sometimes I feel all alone and disconnected in my family. I feel very sad because I sense that he's hiding something from me, and I feel shut out and rejected. I feel very hurt that my dad would choose his wife or gf (not even my real mother, for crying out loud) over me. I'm not sure if that's the case, but... what else could it be? Why would anyone choose their significant other/wife over their own kid? I don't know that this is the case, I shouldn't accuse him without knowing all the facts, but like I said, I feel shut out because there's an unknown reason he doesn't want to see me, and he doesn't seem to want me to know where he lives. I know he's hiding something, but I'm not sure why. My friends tell me that I'm not worthless, and I trust my friends, but I'm feeling lonely right now. Tomorrow is Father's Day, and of course I'm going to call him, but I just feel... alone.
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female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (21 June 2009):
 I know where your coming from.Sometimes wife/ gf do interfere, but to be honest we dont know exactly whats goin on here.However the truth remains from what you said your dad doesnt sound responsible. Its a parents duty to be there for their kids whenever they require them and your dad obviously isnt!its a tough one because your feeling isolated. Maybe you should take a random trip up there (where he lives) and try and "see" for yourself whats going on, and take a friend with you (if your feeling brave.)If not you'll not gain anything speaking to him on the phone he wont reveal all.Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): You know I understand your pain of not being able to see your father, your own flesh and blood and the person who begot you.
That said I think it is speculation on your part for the reasons he has not seen you. It probably has nothing to do with a significant other, she probably would have no problem with you if there is a girlfriend. It may be just your father's problem or issue. He may feel like a failure or feel guilty or too sad to deal with you. It isn't nice but people do things for strange reasons that have nothing to do with who you are as a person or whether or not you are "worthless".
I know how this must affect your self esteem but you should never think this is about you, I am sure it isn't.
If you call your Father tomorrow and I hope that you will, I hope that you will find the courage to tell him how much you miss him and wish that you could see him, and ask him why this is not happening. Tell him a little about how this makes you feel. It is the way to his heart.
Feelings are not facts though. It is your perception of what the reality is not the real reality....so give him a chance to express himself and I hope that he will get how important it is to you for you to be in contact and involved in his life.
Just be honest about your feelings so that you two can come to a better understanding.
Good luck.
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