A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear helpers, I have a story to tell and questions to ask and I have no idea where to start. My problem is I never felt loved by my mother and I have no idea why. Let me explain this. I am not some teenager complaining about parents' ways. I am a mature young women in early twenties. I am independent, realistic and I live on my own. Now let me give you some information about mother maybe you could help me out with an answer. I'm the fifth in a house of six siblings, all girls except one. Since I was a tiny child, my mother's favourism for my brother has been visible to everyone and was somehow justified as he is 'her only son' in a culture which 'values' men more than women. My brother grew up to have absolute power at home, he was constantly beating me for the stupidest reasons like touching his computer, taking too long to go to the shop to buy him a pepsi, carrying the cat, trying to ride his bike, 'talking back' to him, making him wait.. really all stupid things and he was beating me violently and my mother never protested. She was actually encouraging him to 'educate us' and to 'maintain us'. She also clearly favoured my oldest sister and the youngest one. If one gets sick, she doesn't sleep the night and she gives them all her attention.. on the other hand, I was always ignored and neglected, she never believed me. I was actually a shadow of a person who never existed. In primary school for example she never brushed my hair and never cared about me going to school looking clean. I had to endure negative comments from my teacher who once called me dirty in class when it wasn't even my fault. I had a cold, no one took me to the doctor, my hair was messy and my clothes were dirty by the snot. What was my fault when I was just 6?!?!I also used to pee in my bed until I was 11 or so. She kept calling me names and make me feel horrible, like I was doing it on purpose. She told the entire family.. actually everyone knew I pee in my bed, and whenever I had a fight with one of my siblings they I get called 'smelly pee-er' and she never stopped it. She was doing it too whenever she got mad at me. Then as I grew up more I could see her neglect becomes clearer. When I get sick, she NEVER takes me to the doctor, unless I almost die. Whether I have a cold or a headache or an earache or a terrible stomachache I have to go to school and I can never complain..actually she would tell me I am pretending?!?!? I was the topest student in my class for years, why would I dislike school? especially after the primary school. The worst memory is when I started to lose my vision for a long distance. Some time before, my brother started wearing relaxing glasses and I remember she cried and felt sad and made a big deal out of it, and when I told her I can't see well in class -I was 17 by the way - she didn't believe me. I had to go to the doctor by myself and she didn't buy me glasses because she didn't believe me even with a letter from the doctor. She made me wait for months..then when she finally went with me to the doctor, he told her one of my eyes is now 3/10 and why did I wait this long. She didn't even admit her mistake!!Moreover, I was beaten constantly by my father but she never moved a finger to protect me. It was all unfair and I was beaten whenever my dad 'felt down' and yet no help and no protection or even a nice word came from her. Let me make a point clear, I swear I don't do what could provoke my parents. I never stayed out late, actually from school to home ..from home to school. I don't visit friends and I don't bring anyone home just to avoid trouble with my family. I study hard and I always get prizes. All my years in high school, I NEVER went to a party, I NEVER had a boyfriend. I walk beside the wall and hope not to fall. Yet, the trouble I have gone through at home no one else at home experienced. Why? I have no idea. I waited impatiently to leave home and hoped for the day I put all of this behind my back. While waiting and enduring, my mother kept telling me I'll never get a better life.. she kept telling me I'll marry a man worse than my father and when I said you will see what a good man I'll get at the end, she would tell me I am dreaming and she was like that and I will end up with someone who will make my life miserable. Seriously, does anyone else have this type of mothers who do nothing but make you feel down?!?!I am not done yet, my mother keeps bargaining me for her 'liking'. I either do what she wants or she won't like me and I either give up what I want or she won't like me. Ten days ago, she asked me to spy on my father to know why he refused to give my brother more money. When I refused, she cut me off and never called again. She has been doing this for ages now.. I either do things for the good of my brother or she won't talk to me. I can't write more. I am already crying and it hurts like hell. I have this horrible family who smiles at your face then stab you in the back. I left them and I am now happy on my own after a long revolution, so much trouble and many losses. But I still want to know why all of this? Why would a mother give birth to many children then doesn't love them equally? Why neglect your child? why spread jealousy between your kids? why make your child feel unloved, incompetent and hopeless? why? Why call your child names and make them feel down? Sorry for the long story but any answers, any contributions, any thoughts will be very appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): I am much older than you now, but I can relate to your experiences. In particular I know how mind-bending it can be trying to figure out why your mother and father would treat you in this way. In my case my mother was extremely neglectful of my elder sister and I and this - neglect - is often harder to understand as a form of abuse. My father ended up being violent to my elder sister and became totally dominated by my mother. I grew up witnessing htis violence and finally I estranged my parents because of it. I could have played along with their game and made my elder sister into the evil one in the family, but I didn't, I refused to do this and took the brunt of their wrath because I escaped. Instead, the position of "good child' was then passed to my younger sister, who was only too happy to play along.If you try to protest about neglect and abuse , which is hard when you are terrified of the consequences, and takes years for you to see it for what it is in any case, the easy answer is for parents and others to tell you that you are being selfish. If you are bright, as I was, then they will really take this as evidence that you are fine and just making a fuss. If you try to tell other people, they will very quickly assume that you are being self-centred - especially if you do this as a teenager. As an adult, it is hard because your life may literally seem unbelievable to others.My younger sister, ten years younger, was not abused or neglected, except that she cannot see that she has been manipulated. By the time she was born it was undenialbe that my parents had really screwed up with my elder sister and I - really this was undeniable. As I started to protest about my mother's behaviour towards us, she focused on 'proving' that she was a great Mum by treating my younger sister the exact opposite to how she treated me and my elder sister. My younger sister was absolutely adored by my mother, who moulded her into a younger version of herself and basically turned her against the two of us, but especially against me because initially my younger sister loved me and I loved her back. I have NEVER come across anyone able to manipulate people through an idea of innocence, in the way that my younger sister learned how to do. She has an extremely stereotypically beautiful face and looks and behaves in a very angelic way. She lives in a very small town and has learned how to secure a certain position there, where she is 'victim' but also 'princess'. When my mother died, she even manipulated the young vicar who came to see her before I could meet with him and he later told me that my younger sister was 'incredible' - honestly her behaviour is sickening. But the underside to this is an absolutely vitriolic anger, a huge amount of lies and manipulation and complete coldness - I mean coldness like the replicants in Bladerunner! - in order to get what she wants. My younger sister cannot and will not see that she is, in a way, 'victim' to my mother's manipulation and prefers to believe that she is exceptional and good whilst we two are evil and bad. My mother turned my younger sister against me when she felt threatened by the bond that was growing between us and now, tragically, my younger sister fully believes that my elder sister and I are simply evil and that the abuse that we both endured never took place. Because she is ten years younger she never saw what happened and she cannot believe me because, if she did, she would have to face the fact that she has also been manipulated and the 'love' that she received from my mother was in fact a manipulation.Some things that I have thought are that: My mother and father were not happy as a couple and so there was no abundance of love around in the family, instead only anger.I think they were both incredibly sexually frustrated and this led to intense anger towards us.My mother was incredibly selfish and refused to create any healthy family structure in the household, but would manipulate us through neglect and by telling us we were selfish.In my case my mother was threatened by my intelligence and by my father's initial love of me.I do think that my mother had either Aspergers (undiagnosed) or some form of mental illness involving her being abusive and never nurturing towards us.There was no other family beyond my parents keeping things in check ie. they could do whatever they pleased and no one checked up on it.My mother had a very difficult birth with my elder sister and was very depressed after giving birth to me.My mother ENJOYED the chaos and the drama involved in the violence and upset.My mother was incredibly contradictory as a person - dirty and chaotic and neglectful but on the outside incredibly charming to others in order to gain attention for herself and also extremely strict and judgemental and puritanical in her attitude i.e. never once talking to us about normal things like clothes or make up or other trivia that are all integrated into having a warm relationship with your daughters.My mother never once, never, discussed any of our emotions of feelings and so on - we were simply mocked or berated or ignored if we were upset, or consistently told we were selfish - I now understand that not only could she not handle the idea that she was an adult and responsible for supporting her daughter's emotional welfare, but that she took some sort of warped, puritanical pleasure in thinking that we must find our own way in things.Overall, the list is very very long. But generally it was a case of two people not only NOT GROWING UP but absolutely refusing to do so and lashing out at anything and anyone who suggested, in whatever way, that this was needed. They wanted to remain totally irresponsible, like children, and were angry at any sign of responsibility to us. My parents are both dead now and I have no other family. My elder sister has had the most awful life of mental illness, violence, alcohol and drugs. My younger sister is on her way to being a millionairess after inheriting much when her first husband died suddenly - something I helped her through and then was turned on with hatred when she had no place to put her anger. She learned very quickly, from a young age, how to find a vulnerable man and manipulate him into doing whatever she liked and into believing she is the victim of two evil sisters. I have a niece, now seven, that I've never seen because my sister cannot have me in her life in case I risk spoiling the fairytale that she's created for herself, by somehow allowing the truth to come out and people believing me. I have a wonderful daughter of my own and would never hurt her in any way. But the effects of growing up in an abusive family last a lifetime. It affects everything - the ability to make and trust friends, the jobs you accept and stay in because you have low self esteem, the partner's you choose and the hard time you give yourself trying to prove that you are not worthless. I'm still not over it all. BUT there are times, long periods, where putting good things in place outweighs all the bad stuff - maybe not permanently, but at least for some time.This is the only general advice I can give - learn to put good things in place and to build a life that feels better. Get counseling to help you to overcome, as far as possible, your experiences.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 December 2013):
 I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine growing up like that.
My guess is your mom grew up in a household where favoritism and sibling rivalry was common, she might even have been in your "spot" so to speak growing up. Now THAT would make most people go, well wouldn't she want to do differently herself? Some would, but others are more like "monkey see, monkey do" they mimic what they learned. What your mom did to you and your siblings is without a doubt learned behavior. Or your mom have some kind of mental issues, I say that because I can't see what would make a mom do this to her children. IT could be that she didn't want so many children, or suffered from depression during and after one of you. NOT that it is an EXCUSE, because it's not. It's plain wrong and I'm glad you got out.
I think if I were you, I would look into some counseling. Work through this and become an healthy adult. I would also cut the contact with your mother, not let HER decide when she wants to use & abuse you. JUST cut her off.
Auntie Em put in a good link for you, please use it. PLEASE work on you, find YOUR happiness, because YOU deserve it.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 December 2013):
 Firstly I want to say how sorry I am for what you have had to go through at a very young age. You have had a very hard time and although I do not know, I am guessing you are from an asian culture?
Child abuse is wrong but some families do not see it as abuse. They impose strict rules on their children and harsh punishments when those children do not comply. There often is favouritism and some children are singled out for abuse for absolutely no reason at all (as in the Daniel Pelka case)...there is no reasonable explaination for this and unless the child finds the courage to speak up and finds help, the abuse continues unseen.
You have reached adulthood but it's clear that you are still very much under the control of your parents. It is good that you live apart from them because you can seek help and try to come to terms with how you have been raised and you can have time, space and privacy to deal with the issues you have been left with.
All parents should love their children equally...but some don't.
No parent should beat or neglect their child...but they do.
No culture should make girls feel less valuable than boys...but they do.
You were just unlucky to be born into a family that adopts all these terrible things and operates on mistrust, fear and control...not good.
Now you are an adult, you have choices and if you cannot stand up to your family or are afraid of them, you need to seek outside help.
www.aanchal.org.uk is an organisation which may be able to offer you counselling and coping mechanisms. If you ever feel in danger or are attacked by any member of your family, you should contact the police.
Again I am sorry you have had to go through this, life isn't fair for a lot of people and you just have to strive to get yourself away from bad situations and put your own safety first.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 December 2013):
I can't pretend to understand your treatment first hand, but I can understand it second hand. My own mother was one of two children, and she had an older half brother. Her brother, too, was clearly the favourite, and my mother suffered the same behaviour as you. She hasn't spoken to her parents since I was born. She, too, has spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it was, and has come to several different conclusions:
1- That she was conceived to get her older, half brother accepted.
2- This failed, so she was immediately seen as the bad child and a failure.
3 - She looks like her father's family, not her mother's, and her mother doesn't like this.
4 - Her mother, by nature, is self centred and narcissistic and very jealous of other women.
Obviously on your case, it's very hard to tell what your mother's problem is without actually meeting her or knowing more. But, the most likely explanation, is that for whatever reason she is in some way jealous of you. Perhaps you don't look like someone she wants you to, perhaps you are far prettier, or whatever.
Why do some people do this? Because, ultimately, they're just about themselves, or they are very, very warped. Your mother and father (and other members of your family, sadly) sound very warped because of all this treatment. Thankfully, you've had the strength to get out and stay out.
I'm not sure what advice I can give you, other than perhaps going no contact is for the best ultimately. I also do think you might benefit from talking to a counselor, not because you aren't strong or unhappy, but because they may well be able to help you come to terms with what has happened, and understand it a bit more. This is certainly not about you in any way. Sadly, you come from a violent and warped family who chose you to take it out on. But, as I said before, the good sign is that you were able to get out, and if I were you I'd be ditching those family members who hurt you in favour of living your own life.
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