A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have this male friend who is constantly getting mental abuse from his girlfriend for the past couple years they've been together. He has told me he tells his girlfriend how it makes him feel but she continues to do. I've told him to leave her but he just doesn't, I've told him he doesn't deserve it because no one does.But he continues to not listen to my advice about getting far away from her as he can. What can I do and why is he staying with her when she treats him like crap? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): About 25 years ago, in my early 20s I was in a mentally abusive relationship which lasted about 4 years.It's hard to describe exactly why I stayed for so long. I knew right from the beginning that he wasn't the easiest of people but he didn't really show his true colours until the relationship was established. Like most abusers he was a charming, manipulative person whereas I hate confrontation and have never been particularly socially adept. He isolated me, wrong-footed me all the time and always made me feel everything bad was my fault; In the end I doubted my own sanity. I felt like I was walking through glue every day just to keep going.I don't know what your friends and his girlfriend's relationship is like but that gives you an idea of what it's like to experience abuse. Your friend knows it's not right but, odd though this sounds,he hasn't found HIS way out of it. Ironically like you I now watch other people going through the same thing and think "Why do you stay?" "Why not just leave?" but i know it's not as simple as that.I can't really give you any advice on how to get him to leave other than just BE THERE, but it's good that he has such a good friend as you to support him.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 June 2015):
 Just like many women who are abused stay, same goes for men.
If you have told him repeatedly to get away and he STAYS, then he HAS made a choice. The choice is, he is NOT ready, willing or able to leave.
If it annoys you to listen to it, tell him. Or instead ASK him what advice HE would give someone in the same situation.
My BIL was in an mentally abusive marriage. He didn't recognize it for a LONG LONG time. She cheated, she made demands, she ignored him, the kids... AND he just tried to make it work. He switched jobs so he would be home more, then she complained that he was thee too much, then she didn't want him to partake in sports etc.... It took him a LONG time to realize he was NEVER going to make her happy, nor would HE be happy with her.
IT is hard to watch.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 June 2015):
 I think he stays because good manipulators know how to make people stay. If the girlfriend is treating him bad, I am sure she is aware of her actions. He's even told her how it hurts. My guess is that her response to that is "I'll get better, I promise, I will be so good to you", and then for the next couple of months she's the best girlfriend in the world, and he believes that THIS is how she really is, and he just loves her.
Then the bitch comes back and it's on again. Repeat cycle. Then she fills his head with ideas about how he's too old to date again, how no one else will want him because he's such a mess etc.
At least, this is what my friend told me about her boyfriend. He was telling her she was getting old (at 26), he was telling her how she needed to settle down. He got her pregnant and now they have a kid. For years she did nothing but speak about how she wanted to leave him, but about how hard it was. Because he had made them buy things together, such as a car, and they rented from his dad so got a cheap apartment, and she was convinced that she couldn't afford to live on her own (even with a good income... he got into head and convinced her she couldn't do it).
She finally found her way to end the relationship, and moved out, but it only lasted a short while before he was sweet-talking her again. I am sure, making his apologies. Telling her how things would be different now... Then they got back together and within two months she was pregnant.
People stay in relationships like these not because they want to, but because they do not feel they have a choice. Also, good manipulators know what buttons to push and when. They become the absolute perfect boyfriend/girlfriend when they need to be, and makes the other believe everything was in their head, that it was all imagination and that they were the ones over-reacting. Because look how sweet and lovely they are now...
There is nothing you can do or say to make your friend leave. All you can do is hope that he gets away, unlike my friend did. I did everything in my power to help her, helped her get a place to live, helped her buy a cheap car. Helped her with furniture. But she still went back to him. There is nothing you can do except be there for him if/when he tries to get away, for real, and not just talk about how badly she treats him.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 June 2015):
 He stays with her because he chooses to and wants to and frankly, you should stay out of their relationship.
No one knows what goes on between two people in a relationship and it is entirely up to THEM and them alone to conduct their relationship in whatever way they deem fit.
They are both consenting adults, he chooses to be with her and he obviously doesn't want to leave her. That's his choice. His life. His decision. Why is this riling you up so much? And why on earth should he listen to YOUR advice about how he conducts HIS relationship??
Moreover, you, as a female friend, shouldn't be interfering in the relationship in any way because it just sends out the wrong signals.
Henceforth if he comes to you cribbing about his life just tell him that you cant really help him and he should deal with things himself, in whatever way he thinks is right. Stay out of this. This will only end badly for you either way. If he leaves, it will be because you told him to, so you essentially broke the relationship up. If he doesn't, it'll drive a wedge between both of you, like it already has.
Why bother so much about someone else's life when all of us have enough problems of our own?
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