A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my fiancé for 4 years.He is hardworking, doesn't drink or smoke and has no interest in sports. He tells me he loves me every day. He is thoughtful in other ways too.What I can't get past is his staring at women every time we go out together. It's very obvious the way he looks women up and down or his looking over my shoulder to get a better view and/or trying to get their attention in some way to notice him. It really gets bad. I have talked to him about it, but his behavior doesn't change. He also takes pictures of women with his cell on the street and has on the beach with his camera. Recently he has obsessed about some women at work and talks about them a lot.I'm trying to weigh the good and the bad. I feel so disrespected when he does these other things in my presence.I'm trying to figure out if I should stay or if I should leave because of these behaviors. It has left me insecure and with no self-esteem or self-worth.I have very little money if I were to leave or skills for the workforce. Frankly, I'm scared to leave.What would any of you do? And does anyone have any links that would help me start over, if I decide to leave. Realistically, I would be in the poor house and that frightens me very much.Thank you for your time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2015): This is the OP.
Thank you to everyone that has responded and for wanting to help me in this situation and for providing helpful links.
It is a long story on how I have become financially dependent on my fiance, considering I moved in with him to a remote location with limited job opportunities and the area is isolated from other people. I have no family or friends close by to help me. I am on my own in this.
The post by A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015) is almost to the letter my current experience. It helps to know that I am not alone in this experience. Thank you so much for your post.
I, too, changed my dress code which was more conservative to more shanky in hopes that my fiance would keep his eyes more on me when we went out together instead of on other girls and in hopes that he would be worried about other men wanting me when we did go out. All this was done to hinder his preoccupation with other women.
Right now I am considering counseling because I have sunk into daily anxiety attacks.
I am thinking outside the box on this--but I want to find a financial or budget planner so that I have everything in order financially and on what help I can get.
I guess even a Wal-Mart job would be even more favorable than to what is mentally happening to me. At least I would have some form of money coming in. I realize the economy is in the tank here in the US so I didn't know if obtaining a job was even feasible or if one can even keep a job when you hear about the weekly jobless rates.
I wish I could just pick up and move, but I live with him and I have furniture and a number of other items that I bought with me (way too much stuff) when I moved in with him when I got here and I would need to find a place to live and have a mover help me move things out and I want to weed things out and donate items to keep the moving cost down.
Plus, I have a pet that I love dearly. My pet has gotten my through some dark times and he helps me with my anxiety attacks.
Thank you all again and for your compassion.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): Hi thereThis sounds familiar to me. I was with my boyfriend for five years and he told me constantly that he would never embarrass me, never make me jealous etc etc because he would hate it if someone did that to him. Told me every day that he loved me and did things to show it as well, cooked for me every day and bought things he thought I might like. We would go dancing together most nights and then he started to look at other women. He'd never done it before. He would always have a reason, he liked her clothes, he wasn't looking at her, he didn't know he was doing it etc. Because he had told me so often that he would never do it, I found it hard to believe when he did do it. I believed his excuses for a while because he had brain washed me really. He would do the exact same thing as your fiance. If there was a group of women walking along the street, he would nudge me, point in their direction and then start making weird noises to get them to notice him. He would dance in front of attractive women to get them to look at him. This made me feel so unattractive, I started to buy clothes that weren't really me, but that I thought might make him look at me and not others. Of course it had nothing to do with the other women and everything to do with me. He wanted me to feel unattractive so that I would never leave him.How much happier I am now! I did leave him, when I started to understand that this was all calculated on his part to make me feel unattractive and lose my confidence. I realised that other things he did were for the same reason and I found a book to help me understand all he was doing. Your fiance's behaviour is disrespectful towards you and although he makes you feel happy and loved at times, he does not have your best interests at heart at all. Please read books on abusive behaviour in relationships and it will all be explained to you. It will explain why you should most definitely not hitch your horse to this wagon and we can point out to you something that I think you know already, if you have to ask whether or not you should marry someone, that gives you your answer doesn't it?I left and started again, I rent a cottage and I've started my own business. I trained to be a chiropodist and earn good money now. Think about what you could train as that you would enjoy and could earn enough money at.I'm sorry, I know this isn't easy and often others don't understand how you could have feelings for someone like this, but I do. For most of the time, I was very happy with my boyfriend, no one made me feel like he did. I still miss him, but I'm so much happier without him.Good luck!!
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (3 June 2015):
 It is hard to determine from your post whether your man has validation issues that are present in narcissoid disorders but some things you describe fit that: actively seeking approval from strange women even though one who loves him is in front of him. Another point that fits this narcissist diagnosis is lack of empathy for you given your requests to stop ogling women. Narcissists also love to keep their "objects of love" dependent and your financial dependence on him fits that bill as well.
This, though, is for the therapist to diagnose because more information is needed. But one thing that I can say for certain is that his obsessive ogling of women is part of the sexual addiction spectrum which, in itself is part of a general addiction like alcohol or drugs.
Now, most men are hardwired biologically to ogle females but healthy males are capable of tearing themselves out of the limbic state quickly and refocus attention on reality in front of them. In fact, healthy males can even anticipate the urge to ogle and are capable at controlling that effect.
The fact that your guy stares across you and any which way, that he is obsessing over casual girls on the street or beach implies that his ogling is part of the sexual addiction spectrum and that is perhaps fueled by narcissoid disorder.
The guy who ogles at women is fully rational that such behavior will not get him laid, that it would creep the woman, and that it would upset you but after 3 seconds his brain is hijacked by limbic urges, his dopamine spikes and its pleasure sips through his vein, perhaps sexual urge envelops, that he does not even notice you. Basically, after 3 seconds, your guy is no longer is control of his rational faculties.
I don't know whether your man is even aware that he has a problem so convincing him is the first step. Thereafter comes the part where he has to exercise various self-control, particularly at recognizing the onset of urges to ogle and the 3 second rule which is a short window where his rational thought can prevail. Some people use turn-around method, others use press the cortex method but I'm sure that a therapist could help him devise other methods that are more particular for him so that he could establish rational control over himself during that crucial 2 second span.
Similar thing happens to men who love and grow pigeons: as soon as they see one, their rational control goes out the window and many such men are known to have run into polls or get run over by cars while staring into clouds (prevalent in Europe and Middle East).
So basically, he will have acknowledge the problem and modify his behavior, along with self-imposed cues, over a span of time, probably 12 months or more until his reflex to ogle is replaced by some other coping mechanism.
From the perspective of your relationship, getting him convinced that he has a problem can be a challenge in itself, so I don't know where you stand on the scale of ability to get your guy to be convinced. After that, there is some emotional investment that you would have to endure with therapists or just helping him get on. Given that you are in your early 30s, you need to evaluate if such investment in a guy is worth making or do you have prospects of meeting someone better while understanding that, as you age, the pool of available men shrinks ever rapidly.
As for you, I think that all of this is telling you that you need to find ways to be more independent and that you need a contingency financial plan. Generally, women who need to flee their husbands/BFs should have enough money for these essential things:
- car, and means of financing it
- 3 months worth of apartment rent, insurance plus deposit of $1000
- money for 6 months of food supply
- no outstanding health issues like killer toothaches, therapies and such
- Reliable job
- network of friends
Of course, if you think that all of this is too much and that he is so much of a "creep" so that you run away, that would be understandable to me as well because, had the tables been turned, I doubt that very many men would stick around a flirtatious, gawking female that seeks attention of strange men. Perhaps you think that his ogling is an insurmountable obstacle. Perhaps it is, but the point of my post is to note that his circumstance is not unique, that there are lot of men with these sorts of addictions, that there are ways to deal with that, and I think my reply should give you an additional option so that you can decide better which way you want to take your circumstance.
A forum on dealing with sexual addictions from men who actually attempt to help themselves:
http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/
Ogling discussion:
http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=25507.0
http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?PHPSESSID=b4be253e733a220731692d615ba2da31&topic=14525.0
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 June 2015):
 I agree with YouWish too. What a creep. This guy has no respect for women, we are just meat on LEGS for him to ogle.
Gross!
Sounds like you are more worried about the financial difficulty leaving him then the NASTY reality of who he is. You are hoping you can somehow dismiss his behavior as "not so bad" so you can stay.
Can you imagine having kids with this man? FEMALE children?
My guess is, you will stay. And you will be upset CONSTANTLY over his behavior. You won't be able to have female friends because who knows the dude might start snapping shots at them too. So you will end up ISOLATED with a creeper. But at least you have his income to live on....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): "He tells me he loves me every day."Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES. If he really loved you then he wouldn't be so disrespectful towards you.And don't kid yourself into thinking your so-called "fiance" is ever going to marry you. He currently enjoys all the benefits of marriage with none of the responsibilities so he stands nothing to gain and too much to lose (his freedom, half his assets) by marrying you. Why buy the cow when the milk is free?How on earth did you ever allow yourself to become completely dependent on a guy with whom you have no legal relationship and so could dump you at any moment with no further obligation? Even if he wasn't a disrespectful creep this would be a bad situation.As previous aunts have stated you need to start taking steps to regain your independence. NOW.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): I'm amazed someone hasn't reported him to the police. By staying with him you are condoning his behaviour. Its as simple as that. You can find a way to survive on your own if you really want to.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (3 June 2015):
 Agreed with YouWish. Not only is his behavior incredibly disrespectful to you, he's well on his way to behavior that could land him on a sex offender registry - as well as cost him HIS job, if he does anything inappropriate in the workplace.
My advice to you is not only that under no circumstances should you MARRY this guy, but also that you should leave the relationship as soon as you possibly can. Move in with family or friends if need be while you get back on your feet.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2015):
 How did you wind up in a 4 year relationship with a voyeur type man?
You're in your early 30s! You have more than half your life to enjoy, why would you spend it wondering WTF your freaky stalker-type boyfriend is going to get up to today.
You say you have no self-esteem because of him...
Get the hell out of there. LIke, today.
You can go to http://www.thehotline.org for referrals and help.
Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 June 2015):
 This guy of yours is a creeper. Taking pictures of women?! That's disgusting.
You need to get yourself financially independent. Even if this fiance of yours WASN'T a creeper, you shouldn't give away your birthright. Go back to school online. Do you have family or friends you can lean on?? And aren't you working now?? Do you have a kid with this guy? Why would you be in the poorhouse if you left him??
This guy's behavior is a serious and disturbing red flag. Who CARES if he doesn't drink or smoke or like sports?? Unless he makes his money as a professional paparazzo, his behavior is approaching "Sex offender" creepy.
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