A
male
age
51-59,
*adSam
writes:My ex girlfriend left me a couple of months ago and refuses to talk to me. We had been dating for nearly a year and a half. We’re both in our early 40’s and have children. The only difference there is that her kids live with her 5 nights a week and also spend time with their dad on other nights. She was always the nurturing type and would drop anything to take my call or do me a favor. Usually I spent all my weekends at her place and she’d come up to visit me a couple of times a week. Since we live a little distance away, she had suggested I move in with her a couple of times. It seemed to be a pretty secure and trusting relationship and we both acted like husband and wife doing things together. The only issue she ever expressed was me getting closer to her children and friends. She always wanted me to go to every single soccer match and dance recital for her teenaged kids. Trying to get close to someone else’s kids is hard, but when they’re on the field or on stage, it’s hard to get close to them. Never mind the fact that they would ignore me when I visited and even ignored their mom as most teens do when their friends are around. But I think the main issue for both of us is that while we both cared deeply for each other, we both never said “I love you.” To each otherOur relationship seemed pretty much drama free - the way they should be. And we never had a really big argument. Except for this one angry e-mail she sent me she back in February. I had just lost my job, and she got upset at me for not sending her flowers for Valentines Day. She said she did care about me and wanted me to get closer to her and her children. She also said, “I’ll be with you every step of the way and now that my kids are away with their dad, I thought now we could work on get closer ourselves.” She sent this the same week her ex-husband was getting re-married, so I thought she was just being emotional.But then one day back in April, we finally had the big one and I got very upset at her and yelled at her. She couldn’t meet me that night so I was frustrated. It was ready to have emergency surgery and was in a panic. After the surgery I said I was sorry and she said she forgave me. However, she really didn’t.While she was initially caring and compassionate after the surgury, she then started acting distant toward me. While we were still being intimate as normal, she’d forget to kiss me hello sometimes. Then one day I refused to go with her to a friend’s party. I’d told her I didn’t want to go because I found out her estranged ex husband was going to be there and felt uncomfortable. She became upset with me for that and left her phone in my car. When I came to pick her up, I searched her phone for her friend’s house number and accidentally discovered a few text messages where some guy from her job, who has a girlfriend, had been flirting with her. In another, she asked her sister if it was OK to be friends with one of her ex boyfriends and asked the guy if he wanted to meet up with her for a drink. In the past, this ex had done work for her, so maybe she was planning for the next event. I let it go, because I didn’t want to rock the boat if it was all innocent.Then a few weeks later she didn’t even want to sit next to me on a boat ride. Another day she even brought my laundry to my house including things I’d only keep there when I used to stay over. While she said she forgave me, she was still being distant. So one night, I decided to finally confront her and ask her why she was still upset at me. She said she wasn’t. So then I confronted her about the text messages. She initially denied them, but then confessed and swore they were innocent. She then got dressed and said she wanted to end our relationship. As she walked out the door she said: “I’m probably making the biggest mistake of my life.” I haven’t spoken to her since.So the next day she sends me a message on FB and says: “Call me a coward for writing to you and not calling you, but i'm sorry! I do care for you but i'm not "in love" with you. You are a great person however you aren't the person for me. Maybe I should have told you sooner, but I really wanted us to work. I've learned the hard way that I'm not going to change, and probably neither will you. I'm not going to make this long a drawn out, I'm just saying goodbye and walking away with out looking back! I know that talking to my friends isn't the issue, the issue is that I didn't tell you that I had conversations with them. I also never did anything with them....its not the point, the point is that we are over and it's going to be hard for me, but I will keep myself busy with my kids.I don't like the fighting anymore, and honestly, I don't like that you don't let me talk and speak my mind. It's not an excuse; it's just the way it has to be. IT'S NOT YOU IT'S ME Please don't call me as I need time to get over you as well as you need time to get over me. Good things must come to an end. I'm sorry again....who knows maybe in the future we can be friends. Take care of yourself, and remember to always take your medication…”After attempting to call her and e-mail her several times she has not responded. It has even gotten to the point that she had her mom contact me and asked me not to contact her anymore. As far as I’ve heard, she’s still not currently dating anyone either, but decided to delete me as a friend on FB but is still friends with my kids and siblings. Though slowly, she keeps removing pictures of us together, but hasn’t removed all of them yet. This silence is killing me. Can anyone tell me what’s gong on in this woman’s mind? Why won’t she speak to me? What is she afraid of?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): shes just not ready for what she was planning.
she didnt realise what she was getting into and just got scared i guess.
she has prob been hurt in past relationships and just isnt ready for what she wanted with you.
it was a bad way to dump you but sometimes we just have to face those facts and move on
A
male
reader, SadSam +, writes (10 July 2010):
SadSam is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, I get it. She doesn't want to be with me.
But why wouldn't didn't she say this in person instead of running like a coward? We never really argued and I never ever threatened her physically in anyway shape or form. This is why I don't understand what "you never let me speak my mind" even means. Before that big argument, she was always the one trying to get me to open up and get "closer" to her emotionally unavailable teenaged kids and friends and stated she wanted to get closer to me? She also called my sisters behind my back to try to convice me to move in with her in less than a year. Why did her feelings change overnight? She was always the one talking in the realationship and I was just happy being me and enjoyed her company. I was not trying to rush anything. I wanted things to happen naturally. Why does she feel she's "NOT READY TO TALK." What does "IT'S NOT YOU IT'S ME" even mean?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): The honest truth is that she doesnt want to be with you. k know just dumping you was horrible but she just isnt ready for another serious relationship and just wants to focus on her family. just leave her alone and stop looking at her facebook, you need to take time to get over this woman and move on. i know its hard to let go but just this time you have to...
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