A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So my girlfriend and I starting our relationship a while back. We were together for 18 months, the last 6 of which were very shaky. Not for any terribly wrong reasons, but we had a lot of fights. Finally, she told me that we should break up, but we'll get back together when she's ready. We still spend time like we are together, but I guess we don't have the title. I've brought up the situation a number of times, and when she's mad, she tells me that she hasn't been happy at all for the past 9 months and she literally has not had a single second of fun in that time, I am not nice to her, and I don't treat her like she's special. Now I'm the one that makes the plans, I always try to be nice, and I try to do special things like planning a surprise birthday party for her which turned into a flop because most of her friends were not in town to make it, so only two showed up, and she claims that she hated it...but I guess the thought doesn't count. I've asked her time and again why she wouldn't just break it off completely if it's so bad to her, to which she answers that she doesn't know. I keep thinking there's something else that's wrong, which is maybe why she's coming up with other reasons to get mad, as ridiculous as they sound. She says there are no other reasons. I can't even understand what I'm doing wrong. I'm not saying that I'm not wrong, but after this long, I still don't see it. I asked her again recently and she says she still needs to wait. It's been 3 months since we "broke up" and it's been an emotional roller coaster. We're both in college and I'm two years older than her. What's the deal? What should I do? I feel so strongly tied to her...when she's unreasonable, I quickly jump to conclusions and want to take the easy way out and just end it, but when I calm down, I always want to defeat the problem and try to work things out because, I guess, I just love her that much. Help :(
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (18 September 2007):
 Hey,
You: problem is that I only listen to it some of the time.
Which is why you only have half a relationship with her.
You: During that time, it seems like we're not in a relationship and the waiting game sucks,
Instead of waiting for her, DATE OTHER PEOPLE. Unless you demonstrate that other women find you attractive she will not gain more attraction for you.
You: but for the rest of the time, it feels like we're actually in a relationship from the way we interact together to the things we do behind closed doors.
But you are not in a committed relationship. She knows your feelings, and she is using you.
You: It's a case where neither of us knows what we want,...I think.
Bull. You know that you want a relationship with her, and she only wants you as a friend, maybe a FB.
You: The thing is, I'm repeatedly told that there will be the time that she wants to be with me, which is what I'd like.
This is called "keeping the fish hooked in". It is the same tactic that married people use to keep their lovers on the hook, when they are cheating. It is a manipulation tactic.
You: From my standpoint, that takes a little bit of effort to redeem myself of what has happened between us in the past (again, nothing terrible like cheating, but small things here and there that I probably wouldn't have done given the thought).
Nope. This has nothing to do with it. You are trying to make excuses for her, instead of calling her on her bad behavior. This girl is NOT your friend, and certainly not loving you back.
You: We'll see each other maybe once every two or three weeks, if that.
You mean when she is with those other guys she loves telling you about?
You: We'll still keep in close contact via phone, but things really aren't going to be the same. Despite being "broken up," we've talked about long distance relationships and how tough they are, but she seems persistent enough to want to try to make it work.
This is more manipulation tactic. You are her security blanket. Her back up guy. She is using you. My book Everything Out of Her Mouth is a Test has an entire chapter that covers how women use men like you. You are her "emotional cookie man". Cut all contact with her.
You: These are the things, her wanting to try to make it work, that throw me off a bit. As much as her actions don't show it, she really wants me and her to work.
If that were true she would ALREADY be your gf. She is using you.
You: but I really enjoy the times when we're not at each other's throats... a lot.
When the bad outweighs the good, then no matter how good the good is, it is still BAD.
-Frank B Kermit
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks R&B for the answer. Do you think it would be wrong of me to see how things go with this new long distance thing? I understand that we should be giving ourselves a chance to live the college life, and if she wants to do that where she is and break up with me, then I'd understand, but as far as I'm concerned, I wouldn't really be on the look out right away. I'm at a small school and most of the people at this school don't really interest me. I know it's not good to say that, but I hope you get what I mean. I guess I just want to see if this new thing will change her at all. I don't want to give up too soon and regret it later.. I don't really know what I'm thinking. *shrug*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): I think from the sounds of things your girlfriend is very immature, selfish, and does not appreciate you, and she is probably not interested in or capable of having a serious relationship with you....this does not make her a bad person, but it makes her unwilling to give you the relationship that you want on your terms....her focus may be on finishing school as it should be, many girls are there just to find a husband, she may actually want to finish with a degree in something.
You say this is your first serious relationship, my bet is that it won't be your last.
She is moving away without a car, she is concerned about this as are you...this might be the perfect time to start dating other people officially, and to wean yourself off of her.
You are both very young and college is a great time in your life that you will never forget, you may find your mate there, but then again you might not.
I think you owe it to yourself to date around so that you can determine what qualities in a woman will make you happy. There is no reason to put up with a girl who does not appreciate you, and she does not seem to....you sound sweet to me...and she doesn't deserve you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply, Frank. That's what I keep telling myself and that's what my peers say as well, problem is that I only listen to it some of the time. During that time, it seems like we're not in a relationship and the waiting game sucks, but for the rest of the time, it feels like we're actually in a relationship from the way we interact together to the things we do behind closed doors. It's a case where neither of us knows what we want,...I think. The thing is, I'm repeatedly told that there will be the time that she wants to be with me, which is what I'd like. From my standpoint, that takes a little bit of effort to redeem myself of what has happened between us in the past (again, nothing terrible like cheating, but small things here and there that I probably wouldn't have done given the thought).
It might be easy to tell from the way I'm handling this situation that this is my first serious relationship. Despite these difficulties, I've found that I am the type to like being in the relationship. Maybe it's because I like the companionship and I like getting that attention. I don't necessarily want to let that go. I know it's not an excuse, but I feel like it's affecting my decisions with everything.
Last big thing that I should mention is that she's going away to a school that's about 85 miles from me, without a car. We'll see each other maybe once every two or three weeks, if that. We'll still keep in close contact via phone, but things really aren't going to be the same. Despite being "broken up," we've talked about long distance relationships and how tough they are, but she seems persistent enough to want to try to make it work.
These are the things, her wanting to try to make it work, that throw me off a bit. As much as her actions don't show it, she really wants me and her to work.
Man.. I don't know. I know that I shouldn't put up with being treated like this, but I really enjoy the times when we're not at each other's throats... a lot. Thanks again, Frank.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (18 September 2007):
You said: I've asked her time and again why she wouldn't just break it off completely if it's so bad to her, to which she answers that she doesn't know.
Becuase it is YOUR JOB as the man to break it off if she treats you like this, not her job to break it off.
Secondly, WHY are you spending ANY time with her if she is not your gf? Stop spending time with her, and go find yourself a girl that actually WANTS to be with you.
It is not about how you feel about her. It is about how she treats you.
My guess is that she does like you on some level, but you do not address enough of her emotional needs (she feels like your mom instead of only your lover) and that is why she likes you around, but not enough to be your gf.
-Frank B Kermit
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