A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been with my guy for a little over 1.5 years. He is my first boyfriend, I am his 4th girlfriend. He is 6 years older and has many friends. I am shy and a bit sheltered, and am not so lucky with friends. We are both intelligent people, and we like each other’s company. We agree that the core values of a relationship are trust, love, respect, and communication. Other than that we are very different in our interests. He is extremely intelligent and specific in his interests and discussions, and guards his reputation by not revealing much about himself. I am not so specific in my interests and enjoy simple pleasures and relaxed conversation. He usually holds a passive stance, and never seems to have anything negative to say about the relationship or me. I find his behavior around me a little unnatural. I am usually passive, but am very open about myself and the relationship, flaws and all. I have recently begun feeling myself pulling away from him, and I don’t know if it is because I am reacting to perceived problems or actual problems. He shows me he cares with his actions, but he never asks me about the things that are important to me. He doesn’t seem interested to connect with me on a deeper level, even though he treats me well. We are together for only the weekends. During the week I send him a few messages on facebook about interesting topics and such and even emailed him a poem about how I feel about him. His response to my poem was a simple “thank you”. I put my heart into something and it seems he didn’t care. His communication to me, unprompted, in usually sexual in nature. I enjoy sex and believe it a very important thing, but it seems to be his main focus with me. Why won’t he care to get to know me deeper? Am I a toy? Should I throw in the towel?I thought when a man loved you, he would tell you often and want to get to know you intimately. I feel that my relationship is lacking in this department. But he shows me that he cares by making time for me and helping me when I need it, so I am conflicted. I understand that his last relationship ended because it “didn’t work out”, and that his ex felt that he wasn’t there for her. She cheated on him. He slept with another ex in revenge. He has made it clear to me that I should tell him about any love interests before I do the deed. He’s a nice guy who doesn’t believe in cheating, but I feel like he doesn’t believe in creating intimacy either. Help!
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (21 September 2010):
 A lot of guys are (correctly) afraid that expressing themselves too much will scare their girls away. So, if they can't precisely calibrate how much to emote at a girl, they err on the side of stoicism. Stoic = manly, so it's a safer choice. He may have done exactly that with one of his exes.
This is especially true for very smart men with specific interests. Many women will get scared off by a guy who gets really intensely into a discussion about something (the reverse happens, too, for that matter). I'm sure he was flattered by your poem, but didn't know how to express it without saying something awkward.
Another cause is that guys tend to think, "Alright, I told her I love her, and I'll let her know if anything changes." He knows he cares about you, so he assumes that you can tell what he's thinking anyway. Or he just believes that his actions make it clear enough.
A
male
reader, jimrich +, writes (21 September 2010):
re: I put my heart into something and it seems he didn’t care.
.... Many folks, especially men, DO NOT KNOW HOW to communicate and relate in words. There are reasons for this which go back to early childhood traingng/conditioning but the point is: how can someone learn to communicate better in words
go here:
google: relationship tips
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): Yes! I am thinking nothing as well most of the time!!! Many, perhaps most, guys are action oriented. When we think of something, it's not to just ponder it, to lay in bed discussing it ad naseum. If we are thinking about something, it's making plans to do something about it.
We are hungry, we think about what to eat and how to get it.
It occurs to us how much we love you, we buy you a gift, make dinner reservations, take out the trash.
Many of us, me included, if we are thinking how much we love you, our natural outlet for this is to show it thru action of some kind - maybe sex, maybe something g else. It does not come naturally, nor is it generally enjoyable to us, to discuss our feelings. We either act on them, or throw them aside, but we certainly don't want to talk about them.
Your bf sounds very normal to me. If you want to stay with him, perhaps remind yourself that whenever he DOES something nice or affectionate towards you - makes weekend plans, kisses you at a party, holds your hand across the table in a restaurant - he is expressing intimate feelings of affection toward you.
And remember, most of the time we are only thinking of a few things, iusually in this order:
Nothing
Sports
Food
Boobies
Work
Etc, etc
How much we love you
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (20 September 2010):
 He could just be that kind of guy! Some guys aren't into sentiment and mush, they show their women how they love them by their loyalty alone and think that it's enough. The question would be is this enough for you?
Jerry Seinfeld has a joke about a clingy woman asking her husband/boyfriend constantly "What are you thinking?"... "You really want to KNOW what we're all thinking?... Nothing!!!!". My husband laughs at this as the funny truth. He would no more pick up a thread on this site and discuss his feelings and share and emote than he would discuss his favorite colour - Yet, there are many Uncles on the site who are wonderful at expressing themselves and their feelings. They are simply two different types of guys - and you and I got the quiet kind!
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