A
female
age
41-50,
*londie1979
writes:Ok, I have been with my husband for years,married 7 mons. ago. We have a great relationship except this 1 thing...He has always liked porn,mostly "barely legal"teen girls(or so they say)and I guess im at a loss cause I have said hey!why dont we watch things together? It happened 1 time and it was good,but then he never did it again(watched with me) I asked why and he said I didnt seem that into it,stumped me,what do I say? I was MORE into what "we" were doing at that point!! I feel left out and I am tired of him having pics of naked chicks on his phone and mp3 player and so on....Then he always, well, once a week,downloading more..For him,not us...Am I paranoid or insecure for good reason or should I just say:He was this way before and he does not cheat on me,Or is it time he cooled it a bit,he's married now,mags are ok a dvd no prob,but his phone and mp3??cmon!Im getting mad and starting to feel left out ,inadequate and resentful,What do I do???Please any advice would be great!thank you!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): There are two sexual relationships here that your husband has, both of which are important. The first is his sexual relationship with you, and the second is his sexual relationship with himself.
Ideally, his sexual relationship with himself, which includes masturbation and his sexual fantasy world, should not impact adversely on his sexual relationship with you, in fact they should compliment one another. It is also important that he does not neglect his relationship with you by favouring his sexual fantasies. If you are feeling left out, neglected or insecure as you describe, chances are he is doing this. You are entitled to more from your partner, but understand that this might be a challenge for both of you to find a way to work it out.
Talk to him about it, and treat him like an ally rather than an ememy - its a tricky subject. Speak to him about it and ask him to find a way for you to have the kind of sexual relationship with him that you want, and for him to have the kind of sexual fantasy world that he wants without it imacting adversely on you.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, CTorren +, writes (22 November 2010):
Set boundaries you can live with and keep insisting that you aren't bothered by him getting himself off as long as he takes care of all of your needs as well. He's probably embaressed. .....lets see you masturbate right in front of him with no warning sometime.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (21 November 2010):
 I don't see anything wrong with looking at porn... but it sounds like your husband may be addicted to it. He's downloading pics on his phone and mp3 player? Why? Does he need to look at porn when he isn't at home?
Have you asked him to keep these pics confined to your computer? If not, tell him... and be assertive! It's not like you are asking him to give up porn. Remind him that many woman out there will not let their husbands look at porn... so he should consider himself lucky!
Once he gets rid of the phone and mp3 pics, I would keep an eye on his computer use. If he's on there daily... looking at porn... then he may need some help.
Let us know what transpires! Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): I think porn is fine. and i wouldnt really want to watch with you either. You live with him so if he wanted sex he would go to you. Porn is masturbation. Its better to do it alone. Its nothing personal. But sometimes we prefer it. The fantasy part does come into it too. U can not be 18 again. So thats how he gets off to his fantasy. U being there would be a buzzkill for me atleast. Everything is fine in moderation but if he does it as much as you say he might be starting to develop a problem.
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A
female
reader, BunnyAce +, writes (21 November 2010):
 Guys like this in my opinion are VERY disrespectful. What you are feeling is not a trust issue, it seems like you do trust him, and you should make sure he knows that. But also make him aware that this is a RESPECT thing. Is there a double standard here? Are you allowed to watch porn alone? Have pictures of naked guys in your phone and so on? How would he respond to this?
The only problem is that this was not taken care of when you first started dating. If you allowed this to go on for so long, he is going to go through some shock if you get angry about it now.
But he is your husband, you two should be best friends and be able to talk about anything. I am sure you already have tried to talk about this, but perhaps take a different approach. If he cares for you (which he obviously does since he has married you) he should respect that his actions are hurting you. My one friend finds pictures of girls in her bf's phone and explodes, she actually flushed his phone down the toilet before! Quite drastic. But fighting with fire usually will not resort to a good solution. Like i said, show him how much it hurts your feelings in a kind way (no phone flushing haha).
This is another option that is kind of amusing but half serious and probably isn't good advice. But, to find out how he would feel if the tables were turned, it'd be funny if he walked in on you watching porn that has men as the highlight. Give'm a taste of his own medicine. But again, that isn't the best advise. You should just try communicating efficiently with him...already have done that? Try a different approach.
as a side note, most women go through the same exact thing. Some men just love the female body, they think it's like an art to observe...but what do we expect anymore with how much 'sex sells' and how our society revolves around it...unfortunate in some cases i.e. this one.
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): Watching porn is all about a fantasy and maybe you watching it with him kind of defeats the object. If it bothers you why not think of a few things you could do together to spice things up?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): I think you really need to tell him how you feel, however this does sound like a porn addiction which is of course very difficult to overcome!
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