A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:For over 3 years I've been in an interacial relationship. I'm white, and my boyfriend is from Bangladesh. I love him deeply, he's the most amazing person I have ever met, he always makes me laugh and happy, he does so much for me and he's so sweet and kind it's almost unbelievable. My parents disaprooved from the start. My mother, even if she doesn't ever admit it and says otherwise, is racist. I wish she could just be happy with me and my choice, but she's just making things difficult for the both of us. First, she had a problem with our religious differences and kept advicing me to break up with him for that reason. My boyfriend's parents are in no way extremists, and not very religious and are extremely tolerant when it comes to their son's choices.She just can't ''like'' him because of his race. She has said so many hurtful things to me about him and our relationship countless of times..She even told me that he's too ugly for me and that I should go get a "nice European boyfriend". I stopped talking to her for quite a lot of time when she said that. My "friends" aren't much different. They're not used to seeing interracial couples and they keep telling me I'm better off without him. I basically have no one to get support from.He's a really nice guy, and we love each other, and he doesn't deserve what he has to go through because of my family...If you could please give me some advice, I would be very greatful. Is there anything I can possibly do to make things better and help my parents understand that love doesn't have to do with races or colour? Is there something we could do as a couple to make things better for the both of us? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (4 August 2009):
 Hello Again!
I have lived in England, The Netherlands, The Bahamas, The U.S. and I am a Canadian. Yep! I pretty much get the "I'm okay with cultural differences thing." Canada is one of the "pink bits" on the map that were part of the British Empire. And my 24 year old daughter lives in London and has lots and lots of friends from your BF's culture.
I guess the point that did not come across was that I realized long ago that communication was the key to diffusing stress. You haven't got a problem with his family, you have a problem with yours. Because you haven't discussed all of the logistics of HOW you intend to LIVE in your future. Your parents are not happy because you haven't TOLD them how you and he are going to deal with all of your issues.
Anyways, you have pretty much figured out that it your communication issues and the ones that you are having with your own parents that are what are the problem with your relationship. I am suggesting that IF you try to clarify your position and tell them how you intend to live and solve your issues together to appease your family and disperse their objections.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): Thank you for your response, birdynumnums. I have met his family and know them very well, I even stayed at their house for a few days and they are very open minded and don't insist on marrying their son to someone of his own race and religion. One of his cousins is already married to someone out of her race, and they don't see it as a problem. Also, we are indeed thinking of married, and his parents know, and they don't want me to convert to their religion like other families would probably do. They themselves, like I said, aren't very religious. Cultural differences will always exist, but my boyfriend has grown up in England and has in some way abtained and become familiar with the european culture. Even so, I always find it interesting to learn about other cultures and that's not the problem.
The problem is mainly my parents and what they think of my relationship. I know they don't want anything bad from me, but my mother just keeps telling me to "find and marry a good looking European boy". I have argued with her countless of times, but she doesn't get the point. For the past few years I'm not that close to my parents, my mother would much rather go out on a date with her boyfriend than talk to me, and my father lives far from here with a woman I despise and just tells me how I should find someone of my own race. I basically only have one friend to support me and my boyfriend through this. My boyfriend feels beyond hurt everytime I tell him about the scenes my parents make about us being together and I don't want him to feel that way anymore...
Thank you..
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (3 August 2009):
My daughter dated a boy whose family was very religious and did not want their son to marry outside of his race and creed, so I told her that it was a problem - IN THIS CASE - because the family would never accept her. And, after he brought her home to meet them, he dumped her, so in this case, I was right.
However, in your case, it is your own family that doesn't approve and they actually don't give you a good explanation for their disapproval. I think that you need to sit down with them and clarify what their true objections are. On your part, TRY to remember, that in essence, All Parents really DO want to protect their kids - they aren't doing this to be selfish or make your life miserable.
They may be thinking of long term goals and problems that you may possibly face in the future and think that perhaps you actually haven't thought through your future with this boy and how it would play out. You may think that their family isn't religious, but perhaps they, and their son, want their future grandchildren and children to follow their chosen religion. It's not a small issue.
You may have your own ideas on what to have envisioned for your own child too! These are things that you and your boyfriend might want to discuss and get out in the open. Wedding ceremonies, Christmas and other celebrations are all family time and gatherings are expected! Which ones do you plan on celebrating and taking charge over for your children?
You may not want to think about all these things as you are just dating, but the common purpose of dating is that you are looking for a marriage partner, and these are the things that will happen between you as a couple and amongst your collective family members. A sobering thought - and it's not an insurmountable problem - but it does all have to be discussed as a mature couple before entering into it! There's no use in trying to pretend that you aren't going to have problems, you are already having one with your Mom, so don't kid yourself and try to get things out in the open and discuss it with him. All of these things are trivial until you get there, and then they can blow up into huge issues.
The important thing is to find out exactly if you are on the same page or not, and get every issue out in the open. then you can truly act as a couple does, and put yourselves and your own mutual goals first, as couples do. Once you marry, your first obligation is always to your spouse and his is to you, and you need to know that your marriage will function that way. You may find that culturally, when you discuss things, you have very different ideas about families and their structure, and only then will you know if your love is strong enough to blend your expectations together. XXX
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): I stopped reading after the first sentence. I've known people in your situation and all I can say is that this is YOUR relationship. The fact that others have a problem with this is not your problem - it's their's. If they love you, they should respect your judgement and choices in life. If they can't you should not fear them but feel sorry for their inability to see your happieness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): I dont think your parents are racist as such,but more worried about what people will say
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