A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I'm having a bit of a problem with my boyfriend of nearly two years.First off let me start by saying, I'm not normally a suspicious person. And usually I would give people the benefit of doubt but things have gone a bit too far now.A few months ago I found a load of cigarettes in the bin outside the house. I was surprised because although I knew he used to smoke a few years ago, thanks to his chatty mate, he gave up when it was costing him to much. I asked him if he had seen them and he seemed genuinely surprised.So I forgot all about it until one afternoon when I moved my bag, which was under his, his toppled off and out popped a packet of cigarettes. So jokingly when I saw him after, he coughed and I said it was smokers cough.He said how could it be when he doesn't smoke..Come to today. Someone said to me. I didn't know he smoked, and I said oh he doesn't and they continued saying he smelt of smoke when they saw him.So this time I looked in his bag and there was an empty packet. I know, I know, I shouldn't have looked but I was curious. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at him, he can do what he likes. He knows my stance on smoking as I've been a passive smoker thanks to my mother, and he always said he is against it himself.But I just wish he would own up. Just this evening I checked his bag again and there is a full packet. So rather than ask him, or confront him and cause an argument, I have instead, written inside the lid of the box, hello His Name and a smiley face.Have I done wrong? Should I have just ignored it?Anyhoo it's done and I can't wait to see his reaction when he sees what I have written.THanksAlethea Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (6 November 2016):
 As someone who has been wrongly accused of smoking because an ex thought he found "proof" in my bag (in the form of a box of matches I had used to light candles on family graves), I would advise caution.
Yes, it is LIKELY he is smoking and lying about it. However, you have no actual PROOF at this stage. Neither you nor the person who reckons he smelled of smoke have actually WITNESSED him smoking. He COULD have been standing down wind of someone who was smoking. He COULD be keeping the cigarettes for someone else (unlikely I know, but not impossible). He could have been at the home of someone who smoked.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 November 2016):
 I agree with Honeypie, and I'd like to add something...
Why didn't you take the pack of cigarettes and show it to him the moment they fell out of his bag? Even now, why not just be honest with him and tell him that you saw them?? Why the "test"??
Cigarettes are a vice. No, people should not lie, but vices are generally a source of embarrassment. In fact, the internal conversation he might have had with himself when he lied to you about it is "I don't want to lie to her, but when I quit like I keep promising myself I will, it won't BE a lie then". As in, he wanted to "make" it true. That doesn't excuse it or justify it.
So, you need to be the honest one here too. You know he's lying, and you've caught him in this lie. So tell him that you saw the pack of cigarettes in his bag when they fell out that matched the empties in his garbage. Tell him you don't care about his smoking decisions, as you dabble a bit yourself. However, lying will seriously damage your relationship. Tell him he's busted. Don't take his cigs. Just pick up his bag that you know the cigs are in and ask him if you can open it and retrieve the cigs YOU KNOW are still in there from the other day.
He needs to know that lying is a vice 100x worse than smoking, because he can lose you over a lie. Tell him that you need him to be honest with you, because small lies can become big lies, and even when there's no lying, you've now seen that he WILL lie to you, and you both want an honest and free relationship. I wouldn't go into the "What else have you lied to me about" direction, because that'll get nowhere and actually become counterproductive. You can ask him, "Why did you feel you needed to lie? I'm not going to look down on you for smoking, because I do it on occasion myself! It's your life."
Do it the right way, and you both will become closer. But you should be honest too. No loyalty or honesty or trust tests. If you catch him in a lie and make it a learning experience, you'll have a better chance of him feeling safe enough to tell you deeper and more intimate truths.
Now, if you find a pattern of lying, that is a much different issue. If he gets defensive and lashes out at you for catching him, that's a LOT different issue. Let us know which one he does, because if he gets defensive and lashes back at you, let us know what he says. You might have to take other actions then.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 November 2016):
 I would have taken that full package and kept taking them till he brings it up.
It is a DUMB thing to lie about and I would tell him that. IF he then still denies it, what then?
My guess is he lies because he is not LIKING that he smokes and he doesn't like for you to "think less" of him due to it. And.... because there are no consequences to the lying, is there?
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