A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been involved with a guy from work for over a year now he was originally an affair from which I left a violent relationship. Things were going well although there has been a lot if issues a long the way financial and emotiobal more me struggling to cope after the vioent man I was with.Anyway the last three months have felt as though it's gone a bit sour and I've felt like he's hiding me from his friends and family although his relationship with his family is strained and has explained they know about me I haven't met anyone.My ex contacted me out the blue and I ended up sleeping with him which I know is wrong. My boyfriend found out we had a huge argument and he left this was 10 days ago. I haven't heard a thing from him although he hasnt blocked me. I sent some horrible messages on the day he left then the next day tried to call him and he just ignored me. I then tried the day afyer this going to his house to drop his things off and he wasn't in so left them at his door and called and messages again saying I did and still nothing. I asked for my keys and hoover back nothing I turned up at his house again the next day and he wasn't in messaged him saying o was sorry for everything that I loved and missed him and wanted to work it out. Nothing I then left it five days and sent another message saying I knew it was over that I wished him well and wondered when I could collect my keys and hoove. Nothing It will be two weeks this coming Tuesday that I've seen or heard from him and he's just blanking me completely and it's driving me mad. I do love him and miss him like mad and know I made a mistake so don't know what to do. O know I've also acted crazy with the turning up at his house and the calls and messages but I just wanted to make up with him. He's back at work not this week but next so I'll see him then but I wanted this sorted out prior to then and I don't know what to do. Why won't he resoind to me and why is he holding on to my things. What should I do?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 March 2018):
 EDIT:
If I were this guy I would want to touch you with a 50 foot pole, let alone talk to you ever again.
Should have been:
If I were this guy I wouldn't want to touch you with a 50 foot pole, let alone talk to you ever again.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 March 2018):
You need to leave him be and focus on yourself.
Sleeping with an ex (a violent one to boot) is not JUST a mistake, it's destructive to a relationship and self-destructive too. It's HOW you sabotage a relationship.
If I were this guy I would want to touch you with a 50 foot pole, let alone talk to you ever again.
There is nothing to work out for him. If cheating is a deal breaker, then you BROKE the "deal" and he is done. YOU are going to have to respect that.
But what do you do? You go into overly clingy stalker mode hoping to MAKE him disregard his own boundaries and standards FOR you.
OP, If it was SO easy for you to "fall into bed" with the ex, then are NOT ready for a serious relationship.
Jumping from one man to another is RARELY a good idea to start with. I get that you wanted out of the abusive relationship and USED this other guy to get out - but you basically skipped the part where you WORK through your experience and HOW you ended up in a bad relationship. Instead you had ANOTHER man "rescue" you.
YOU need to focus on you, YOU need to sort through your experience with the abusive man, you need to sort though all that emotional and physical baggage you have from the abusive relationship.
So LEAVE the guy alone. He doesn't OWE you to forgive you and get back together with you. He owes you squat. You CHOSE to cheat and he CHOSE to cut all contact. You need to respect that.
Now I get you want your hoover back. But you REALLY need to back off. This isn't about the hoover. It's about you not respecting or understanding boundaries.
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A
female
reader, Daisy88 +, writes (31 March 2018):
I think the best thing you can do is put yourself in his situation. He's probably really hurt by your actions. I'd say give him a little space for now. Your see him at work and see if he's ok with you. I do think you need to block your ex as he may have some control on you. If your struggling then women aid are really good and advise you on it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (31 March 2018):
 Not only did you cheat but you cheated with a man who was violent towards you ... a double whammy in many ways!
Saying you know you made a mistake doesn't really cut it, I would suggest you knew you were making a mistake when the ex contacted you and instead of hanging up in his ear or deleting his text you responded.
You ask us why he doesn't respond to you ... I ask you why do you think he should?
What happens at work next week is really not up to you but him. I also understand you would prefer things sorted out before then, but what do you mean by "sorted out"?
As for your hoover, I think you need to accept that sometimes things, like this guy, end up as collateral damage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2018): My first point is that you've killed this relationship with your actions. There is no going back or getting back together, so get rid of that idea now.
I've been in a similar situation, got involved with a woman at work who was in a violent/abusive relationship. We started an affair and then she left her partner and we were together for about a year. Our sex life was almost non existent, but I was patient, as she told me that she'd been sexually assaulted/raped by her ex. She told me what a horrible man he was and how wonderful I was. In the end she cheated on me with him and said some pretty awful things to me. I was absolutely devastated, even worse I still had to see her at work.
I'd give the bloke some space, stop trying to contact him. If worst comes to worst buy a new hoover and change your locks. Forget about your stuff. I'd also go to HR where you work and explain the situation. Potentially you could find yourself out of a job, or transferred to another department. It's worth getting your version of event on the record as soon as you can.
You'll get through this, but it will take time. The real victim here is the bloke that you were dating. Leave him alone and be single for a while.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (31 March 2018):
 He's understandably hurt and doesn't want any contact with you. Can you not understand that? You cheated on him. How would you feel if he had done that to you? Put yourself in his shoes.
Is it really that urgent that you get your keys and hoover back? I know you say you want to get things "sorted" before going back to work but this is really not your call.
I would suggest backing off before he takes out a restraining order against you. It sounds like he already has more than enough evidence to warrant this.
Next bit of advice is have some time to yourself. You don't NEED to be in a relationship all the time. Get over your ex before inflicting your emotional baggage onto another relationship. And it may be best to not get involved with work colleagues in future.
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