A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my husband for 12 years. In the beginning of our relationship he put a porn video on to see if I'd be willing to watch it with him. Just a few seconds on there was a shemale on the screen. He quickly turned it off and said he didn't know where that video came from because he had bought a box of random vids. I freaked at first, but took his word for it. Over the years I've came across shemale porn he'd been watching on the Internet. When I would ask him about it he always told me it was an accident and that they just looked like normal women in the previews. I've even told him if he's bi or something just to tell me not to sneak around and lie to me. I haven't seen any of this stuff for the last few years until today. I was going through my YouTube history for something and there were shemale videos there. We are the only ones using the computer and I know I wasn't the one looking at them. I haven't said anything yet because I know he's going to tell me it was an accident again, but with all the times this has happened it just can't be an accident. Is he gay or bi? Why won't he just tell me the truth? Do I need to worry about him cheating on me with men? I know he looks at normal male female anal porn all the time. Although its very personal, we so have anal sex all the time. Is that a sign of anything? Not knowing the truth is driving me crazy. I just can't stand the lying and I've never said or done anything to make him feel like he couldn't be honest with me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): This site is meant to help people who seek answers. Most of them have their answers within themselves, but grapple with conflict and indecision. Hoping to make the right choices. It is not our responsibility as aunts to evoke or provoke prejudices and hysteria.
We are not here to judge, we're here to advise. We draw on our own experiences, education, and incorporate the wisdom of others to formulate healthy and responsible answers that will be beneficial. I don't use this site to advocate porn, politics, or religion. Nor is it a place to expose my inner demons and personal prejudices. When people read our answers, they are also looking into our souls and our hearts.
This woman's marriage is important to her. Her feelings and concerns are a heavy responsibility to intrude upon. I prefer to be direct with my answers, but I don't play on people's prejudices to make a point. I don't dig up trash to substantiate my opinions. I try to be considerate of people's feelings. However; I don't do them disservice by telling them what they want to hear.
I hope you love your husband and that he loves you. I hope that he will be able to offer you truth; if there is any possibility that he has not been truthful to you up to now.
Going forward, you know in your heart who this man is. You know what you've found in your marriage that has made it work up to this point. This isn't a question of depravity or scorn. Your post is one of curiosity and concern. Therefore; I will address it in the tone and context by which it was delivered.
If he is gay or bisexual, would that ruin your marriage? Has he shown you any less attention? Has he tried to force you to do things that you were not comfortable with, or is there any evidence he has cheated on you? If these are your concerns; then he has a responsibility to be forthcoming with the truth.
I don't know him. The good thing in all this, is that you do. You will get to the truth. Just do it in a loving and constructive way. He isn't depraved. As a matter of fact, I detect no the least bit of negativity or hostility in the tone of your post. You just want to know if there is anything behind his curiosity. No one can say that with certainty but your husband.
You're a smart woman. You'll find your answers. I foresee things continuing in the right direction. No need to be hysterical, angry, or bitter. I don't read that into the tone of your post at all. Take whatever advice you see beneficial to your needs. Just remember, some advice comes from dark places and from people who haven't come to terms with their own problems. Do your own research and talk to your husband.
He is the only one who can tell you whether he is gay or not.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, HappyPlace  +, writes (3 May 2013):
 Well, Vincent Tabak strangled his neighbour after watching strangulation porn and another man has just killed a child after watching kiddie porn. I think men watch what they really LIKE. Haven't men always said on this site "watch porn with your partner to see what he likes". There is a depravity with certain types of porn which I find abhorrent and equally, I worry about how some men can argue their case for it as though it is some divine right to watch it! These men repulse me. They should be single and have no right to bring their depravities into a relationship. I still feel the issue with you is the lying about it. He's given you a glimpse of what he likes, you freaked and now he's covering it up like a dirty cat shit!! His dishonesty will be the death of your marriage, not your probing !! Or, if he finds the balls to talk to you, perhaps you can both have an honest discussion and agree a way forward.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2013): Before you run hysterically to confront your husband about being gay; based on the actions of a psychopathic pedophile,
I suggest that you not compare such an extreme case with your present marital situation! Watching porn is by no means proof that he will go out and commit adultery with a post-operative transsexual!!!
Have you even taken into consideration the person he is, and has been, all of the twelve years of you've known this man?
Your over-reaction to this whole issue is based on "FEAR" and unfounded insecurity. Shemales? Really??? Tried and convicted as gay, based on images of freaky characters on a porn video?
I disagree with HappyPlace, most emphatically! Such an example and testimonial is most insensitive to your feelings, and an insult to your marriage. You are not living with a homicidal maniac.
Your husband does not owe you full disclosure, nor an explanation, of every thought/fantasy in the deepest recesses of his mind. You are not the thought police! Nor do you owe him such in-depth information about what goes on inside your head.
Remember, he has feelings. Marriage does not strip people of a right to private fantasies, or independent thought. People who believe this, don't remain married as long as you have.
He seems to love you. If he has any alternative sexual desires; he will confess them, if it is true. He will do it when he feels the time is right. You can rush to your own conclusion, based on the outrageous example offered by HappyPlace.
Go ahead! Force him to clam up and shut you out! Never to reveal anything you have a right to know. To keep a separate and secret video sex-life. To avoid your hangups and s-mothering disapproval. Worst of all, wild accusations about his sexual orientation.
There is nothing for you to be concerned about here.
Do you want a divorce? Then hire a lawyer now. Don't bother to trust your husband. The videos are enough evidence.
Right?
People who watch porn, will act out anything they see in them. No matter how extreme. Is this also correct?
Approach your partner of 12 years in an accusatory state of mind if you want. The best you will receive is further denial, and you will eventually begin to piss him off. YOU FREAKED OUT! What exactly do you expect him to do?
Your calm approach to such a sensitive area, is vital to finding out something you may (or may not actually) want to know. Thus far, there has been no real affect on your marriage(your suspicions not withstanding). No effect on your sex life is mentioned in your post. You have nothing to go on, but porn videos with shemales in them. At best, he has freaky taste in porn. Nothing more.
Your suspicions are running high out of unfounded fear and shock. Now someone's most unsavory piece of advice may only add more to your anxiety.
Get a good grip on your feelings. This is your marriage we're talking about here!
Men do not respond well to over-emotionalizing, and totally withdraw when placed on the hot-seat for something they have not done. He has a harmless fascination with shemales in "porn videos." THAT DOES NOT MAKE HIM A HOMOSEXUAL!!!
He evidently hasn't lost his desire for you.
People hide secret fantasies out of self-defense and shame. Your husband has not been guilty of anything; but viewing an unusual human image on a porn video. He and numerous heterosexual men like "anal sex" with their female partners. So now you are going to blow this out of proportion, and possibly wreck your sex life and your marriage?
Porn is mainly meant for the private visual entertainment of adult males. For women it's an option. The unfortunate reaction they (females) have to porn, is that they are threatened by it. By actors who have bodies they feel they are unable to compete with, sexual acts they don't wish to perform, and the fact men are turned on by them. Never mind the fact that they are just video images on DVD's hidden in the back of the closet.
Therefore; romance novels should all be banded from society and burned in a huge barn-fire. Men will never live up to those perfect romantic heroes. Sounds a bit extreme? Yes?
I will only hope that you both live happily for many more years; and that you appreciate him for loving you and remaining with you for so long. If he didn't love you or preferred someone/something else; he has had many years to make that choice. He shares all his kinky sexual desires with YOU. He tried to share some unusual subject matter to test your reaction. You freaked. That's all he needed to know.
Calmly inform him that you feel uncomfortable about the subject matter of shemale porn. Should he wish to continue viewing shemale porn, you feel he may have an attraction for them. This will give him an opening to discuss the matter with you. Only while you are behaving like an adult.
He really doesn't need your permission to view them. I recommend you be open-minded, and share his experience.
I advise you not to use mean-spirited commentary, or make wild accusations to force guilt on him. You're the one with the hangup about it.
Ask that he try to understand why you freaked out. Then end this inquisition, before HE decides to end your marriage.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (2 May 2013):
Oh dear. We've just had a case in England where a man murdered a little 5 year old girl because he was watching kiddie porn and decided to turn his "fantasy into reality". This porn shit is NOT good. It sounds like his preference is men, particularly with his anal fixation. And, after 12 years some people are still advocating secrets within a relationship!!!!!!!!!!! No, no, no. This will be your relationships downfall if you are not careful. If he can't talk to you after 12 years together then you already have a problem. It would appear his porn use is far more important than having an honest conversation with his wife. Is there anything else in the relationship that rings alarm bells about his sexuality? Some men will cross the boundary (eg the murderer of that little girl) and try to turn their fantasy into reality.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2013): It maybe possible your husband is bisexual or just curious. It may be possible any woman's husband may be bisexual or gay. Porn is fantasy and it appeals to inner fascinations or curiosities that we may never venture to act upon. Like any freak show, it appeals to human curiosity and opens the mind to forbidden possibilities.He would be forced to lie to you, to avoid your anger and a hysterical reaction. You're already apprehensive based on suspicion alone. If he asked you if you ever fantasized about sex with other men, what would you say? Have you acted out on those fantasies?Have you ever wondered in your mind what it feels like having sex with another woman? Not that you wanted to, just out of curiosity. Your natural response to the thought may be one of repulsion; but that wouldn't stop you from wondering why other women would or could do it.Hypothetically speaking; if he has a curiosity and admitted to it, what will you do about it? I've read your post and you are a tea kettle about to blow. You would immediately presume your marriage to be a lie, and you will completely lose it. Women insist on poking around and intruding into the deeper darker areas of a man's mind. Rarely are they prepared to deal with what they may find. What they tend to forget, is that those thoughts lie deeply buried; and they may never surface to be acted out in reality. You may contemplate murder during a time of extreme anger at someone; but you would never physically act upon that impulse. That's human nature.You have given him everything he has ever wanted sexually.Your marriage has lasted twelve years. Up to this point, you are not aware of him cheating on you. All he has ever proven is that he loves you and he is sexually attracted to you. He is a man, and he could be attracted to other women.My advice? Don't open a subject in your marriage you are not prepared to deal with. Pornography is not real. People do things in porn movies most people don't do in reality.Porn fascinates and satisfies inner curiosities with virtual images; but we are not compelled to do everything we see performed in those videos. Males are visual creatures. The mind plays with thoughts to satisfy urges we know not to be appropriate or legal.Males view the penises of other men in porn videos. Does that mean all men who view them, want to have sex with other men? All heterosexual porn videos include images of the male member. There are close ups that accentuate all human genitalia. She-males are just another freaky side of porn.Weigh things carefully in your mind before opening a Pandora's Box. No pun intended.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): I think the problem is that you automatically associate him with being gay or bi for looking at she-male porn. Sure - this has an emotional toll on you, but him trying to hide it is actually him trying to protect you, not himself. Jumping straight to therapy - isn't really needed as seeing a therapist is not to change his porno browsing habits but may help in enhancing the communication between the two of you. And sure he is your husband, but why does it affect you so much? Is it a control issue? Do you wish to use this information against him?Does he watch shemale porn: yes. you know thisIs he bi/gay: no, he's a happily married straight guy that enjoys anal sex with his wife.Does he get turned on by shemale porn: most likely.As a porno watcher myself, I can say I watch a whole variety of different and even weird porn. Whether I get turned on by it, or just amused or interested - is most likely why I'm checking it out. When I am with my wife however, all I am thinking about is her. Just because I watch midget porn, doesn't mean I am going to run off with a midget, doesn't mean I'm going to be fantasizing about it when I'm being intimate with my wife. In fact to me it is a completely dissociated act. The fact that you are letting this bother you - is what is most likely pushing him further and further away, and he probably feels like he cannot speak to you about it due to you obsessing over it.Everyone has the right to dream, and no one is able to control your mind. He may be a great husband (and perhaps even a great father), a good friend and a hard worker/provider, he may do everything properly and within societies nicely laid out boundaries. You might even be able to control every aspect of his life - however the only thing you cannot control is his mind, his thoughts, and his fantasies and you have no right to them. And no matter what anyone says, he doesn't have to share them with anyone, unless he wants to and chooses to do so. And if you demand that of him, you are more than likely going to push him far far away.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 April 2013):
 the problem is he's lying about being excited by shemale porn which does not make him gay or bi or wrong.
He probably feels shame and that he's weird because it excites him and he doesn't know it' doesn't have to mean he's not "normal".
Liking shemale porn does not make a man gay or bi or strange. It's just what turns him on.
Let him know you are OK with him looking at shemale porn and that you know it does not mean he's bi or gay just because he finds it arousing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): Well, I have a slightly different perspective than the others here. I think there is a big problem with him lying about the videos. I don't care what the topic of the videos are, he is lying about his sexuality and this is having a big impact on you. Ok, maybe he is ashamed or whatever, but you guys need to have a talk about it, and if he continues to stonewall you (if you'll pardon the pun) then I'd suggest that YOU suggest talking to a therapist together as a couple. This is a HUGE issue, not to be taken lightly by colluding with it.
Second, if it turns out he is having homosexual fantasies, despite not acting on it (to your knowledge) what is the impact on you emotionally? I think that is not insignificant.
You have a right to more honest discussion about this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2013): Maybe he's ashamed? And while he knows he can be honest with you - maybe this is something he just feels like you would either judge him about, or maybe he's just not ready to let you in to that part of him yet.
It seems like he's always been curious about it - but doesn't mean he will act on those impulses. It's just a fantasy.
I DON'T think you should talk to him about it. He's watching it - you already know that, there's nothing for him to really say. He can't be gay because as far as I'm aware shemales look like girls, he is married to you, and he obviously enjoys having sex with you. He might be bi - but again it might be just that he is interested in shemales.
The question is - what would you do if he did tell you he was watching it? You said originally you freaked out, but is it something you are somewhat ok with now (especially if he is just looking at it, and not sleeping around)? Or are you are going to freak out, or if you have said that it is disgusting or whatever when you caught it the first few times maybe he is really reluctant at your reactions to open up to you about this? If you have clicked on the videos and watched them, what are the shemales doing in the clip?
You say you have anal sex - I'm guessing he is the one giving? Do you play with him anally too (fingers/tongue etc?) - a lot of straight guys are into it, it doesn't make them gay - it's were our prostrate is and really heightens the experience for some guys. If the shemales in the clip are the ones giving, maybe without speaking to him, go buy yourself a strap on... and surprise him one night...
Imagine the look on his face, when you enter the bedroom in some really sexy lingerie and a strap on and before he can even say anything you look at him seductively stern and tell him to get on his knees. He'll probably have a heart attack right there and then. But imagine how much pleasure you will give to him by taking the initiative to bring this fantasy (somewhat) to life for him. Whatever happens you dont even need to say anything more about the videos - I'm sure in time he will willingly oblige and be forthcoming with everything.
And i'm sure if you are ok with it and help him live this out - it will only strengthen your bond together and will definitely show him how much you care about him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2013): That's he problem. I have asked him about it more than once and every time I've found him to be looking at he tells me he clicked it on accident. It can't be an accident every time especially when I can see he's look at multiple shemale videos in one night. I just want him to be honest about it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 April 2013):
It's always possible to believe that he is bisexual, or gay... HOWEVER, I wouldn't suggest that his watching shemale (GLBT) porn is proof-positive of that. After all, pornographic material IS fantasy.... and there is a great "distance" from WATCHING porn, and that porn BEING just who one "is."
I suggest that you choose a quiet time.. and sit down with him.. and pose this question to HIM.... in a non-threatening manner.... and DISCUSS (both of your) sexuality, together...
You MIGHT find out that he has a bi- or homosexual bent... OR, you might learn that he simply finds that form of porn material to be entertaining.....
Good luck....
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