A
female
age
36-40,
*elbelle2430
writes:I used to jump from relationship to relationship, until I learned that you need time to breathe and be alone in between. After an especially drawn out break up, I decided to spend one year single. Although it was difficult, it was also the most rewarding time of my life. I learned alot about myself and what I needed and wanted out of life, as well as had a chance to reflect on my past and contemplate my future. A couple months after my year long sabatical, I met this amazing man. Our very first date we just clicked on every level and couldn't get enough of each other. We became that couple that could do anything together, were loved together by family and friends, had the same future plans and goals. It was perfect. We're both still fairly young so we loved going out together, but talked about how we wanted our futures to be. In the beginning of this year we started having disagreements. When we would go out drinking, he would go to another level. Don't get me wrong, I do drink, and sometimes probably even more than I should. But that's usually reserved for a friends birthday, or wedding or such. He would do this every weekend. I brought it up and how his being so drunk I would have to babysit, or he would leave me uptown and not even realize I was gone, or once not even know what bar he was at, and then went home by himself (even though I was supposed to stay with him that night so I didn't have to drive), and never heard from him until the next day. He would always apologize. Then he decided to stop drinking after an especially bad fight. This was the week of my birthday. I could tell things were off because he wasn't as sweet or kind as he usually was. We were talking about our "5 year plan" and he talked only of himself. I told him it bothered me and I realized he hadn't spoke of us in the future as much. He replied with saying he had been caught up in the honeymoon, and now he just showed this, instead of saying it. I asked him if that meant he never cared, wasn't sure about our future, what? We were both upset, walking out of a very fancy dinner, and as I turned around, I saw he had left me there. By myself. Without saying goodbye. I had to take a cab to his place, where my car was, alone.The rest of the week, he was there, but distant. He just turned 30, and this was he first serious, healthy relationship. He had told me he's always been with girls that have issues, abuse, lies, and the only other long one he had was with a girl who cheated on him the entire time. He also has a tendency to walk away without trying to make things work. I asked him one night after hearing this that if he ever had doubts, talk to me and see if we can fix things.So the night of my birthday party I had tons of friends around. Except him. Yes, he was there, but not next to me, holding my hand. He didn't even buy me a drink or pay for my meal. Later that night I found out he was talking about breaking up with me to his friends, at my party!! And even sent a text message to his boy saying that we were on the rocks, and he was going to get his "single body ready". That broke me. I cried and didn't know what to do. The next morning he cried and apologized, and I loved him with all my heart so I forgave him. The very next day, he said he wanted more space. I wasn't sure how to take it so we spent the night apart. The next night, I planned on seeing some friends, but he wanted to meet up. Of course I wanted to fix things, so I went to his house. He was so cold and distant, and yet we hooked up. In the morning he kissed me, said he loved me, and left for work. A couple hours later, he broke up with me over facebook. Since then I've heard every excuse in the book. At first it was all me, I wasn't enough, he is looking for the "one" and it's just not me. Then when I stayed strong and didn't respond, it was him and he needed to figure things out. And I fell for it. Then I heard we just weren't right for each other. And he started dating around and putting pictures up of him and his new chick. She was his date for his 30th birthday, on a day that I had planned an amazing party. He wrote me that week and asked why I wasn't responding, and I said because he had a new girl. He said she wanted a relationship, and he didn't , in fact, he made out with another girl right in front of her face. I finally went no contact, but he kept writing me. And I've seen him out since then. His doctor kept calling me to confirm an appt so I got weak and wrote him, asking how he was. He said great, talked about his family, his job, and that he's "met a really great girl, not that you probably want to know lol". That hurt like hell. Am I not a really great girl? Ok, you could tell me you met someone, but did you have to tell me how great she is? The day after I responded and said that I hope one day he finds someone worth fighting for through the hard times, because no relationship is perfect, he made it fb official. And put up tons of pictures of them, said how she's a keeper, and thanked her for an amazing weekend. Which is exactly what he did for me.Yes, I have already taken him off my page, that's not the advice I need. What I need is to understand how it changed, and why I wasn't enough for him? Yes, I got insecure when he asked for more space, but he wasn't perfect either. I understood that and was willing to put in the work. Why is this girl in my place? How can he move on and give her everything just like that? How do I stop being jealous that I'm not there, and just got left?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (27 June 2013):
 Honey, you definitely deserve better than someone that can forget you at a bar or forget that he is spending the night with you and the cherry on the top, at your own birthday bash mess around with another woman and not do anything special for you.
So why are you pining for a guy that never treated you properly and hurt you over and over again. Don't you think you deserve someone that can love you and respect you and make you feel special. There are plenty fish out there , so chin up and start living your life with out him.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 June 2013):
 No woman will ever be enough , as long as the gentleman is already in love with the bottle. He started hot and heavy with the new girl, same as he did with you, chances are that also the following will be the same and pretty soon he'll start "forgetting" her around in bars and going home alone.
But, what do you care , at the end of the day ? You dodged a big bullett, I hope you realize it. The guy sounds like a loser , your mental mantra should : " well, new flame, better this happens to you than to me "
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 June 2013):
 Yuck, the guy's a walking dysfunction. It's not about you being "enough". It's about him being "immature".
He started a relationship with you, hot and heavy. Then a lot of fights broke out during the first year. Then he ditches you. Then he breaks up over Facebook, a coward cheap move. Then he flaunts other women around. Sounds like he's going to inflict his crap on other women as well.
Why do you think he's writing you? Why do you think he's bragging about other girls with you? Why do you think he's spurned you? It isn't you. He's going to trash every relationship he's in.
As for you, instead of giving yourself "sabbaticals", why not be attracted to different kinds of guys than normal. You jumping from relationship to relationship isn't healthy either, and tends to show an insecure streak in you as well. When you see a pattern of guys who act a certain way, it's time to become attracted to a different kind of guy than you usually go for.
One other thing -- this guy kept leaving you at places, and then when you fought, he ditched you, making you call a cab? Don't ever let a guy do that to you again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2013): Aw sweetie I'm so sorry :(
He's obviously an unhealthy person. Possibly an alcholic. I've had my own this last year. They don't know what they want they don't even really like themselves. You are lucky to get out!! Think of the long run and how awful it will be if he keeps drinking! Wish you well xo
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2013): Your post is right up my alley. I just broke up with someone under similar conditions. We went on a great vacation in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. We stayed at a beautiful resort hotel, ate at great restaurants, and we spent a lot of wonderful times together. We never had an argument. Just a spat here and there, that ended quickly with no hard feelings.Suddenly, I got left out of a lot of things. I would only get called when he needed a favor. He had dental surgery, I took care of him for three days. He's a bear when he's miserable; so he snapped at me a lot; but he always apologized. Then out of the blue, he decides to break up. I never saw it coming. Then there was the silent treatment. So, good enough. Have it your way. I won't bother to call anymore.Your situation was a setup from the start. Guys like this look for temporary relationships to keep them company when there is a lull in their social/love lives. You had an expiration date from day one. You were convenient sex, you kept his empty social-life filled, and you gave him affection. He never had to face loneliness.There was always a catch. He had no intention of ever keeping you in his future. Once he established how committed you were, he used you. He got all the validation and fulfillment of a true relationship, until he had enough from you. You missed a clue, when he no longer mentioned you in his future.He has been searching for what he considers his "ideal woman." The thing is, they don't just fall into your lap.For the time being, this guy accepted you as a good substitute until he felt it was the right time to let you go. You were like hired help. He had you figured out. He knew you would invest your feelings, you are great to look at, you were arm-candy at social settings, and you thought he was the bomb. You fit the part.Now here is where I draw the correlation between how we both got suckered. I was in a long-term relationship that ended in my partner's death from cancer. I remained single for seven years after. Just dinner dates and concerts. Nothing seriously romantic. You took time off and allowed yourself a time to rediscover yourself, and so did I. There are people who can't be alone, or just need someone to fulfill them sexually when they take time off from relationships. They need a supply of tender loving care at all times. They can't survive without it. They pretend to return love, in order to get it. They put up the greatest act in the world. For all practical purposes, they make you feel like you're the most special thing in their lives. All the while, the clock is ticking.When he left you at bars, and forgot he was with you; those were your red-flags. His drinking brought out the true beast inside. He had no concern for your safety and well-being. He left you stranded; because you didn't mean shit to him. You gave way too much of yourself. We put these guys up on pedestals, thinking they're the greatest.NEVER MAKE ANY MAN OR WOMAN THE CENTER OF YOUR UNIVERSE.THAT IS CALLED WORSHIP. THEY DON'T DESERVE IT.I work out, and I'm told I'm an attractive person. So I was being used, because I opened doors on the gay social scene; and I made him look good to his friends. He was always bragging, and complimented me for how well I always made him feel; or how good I was to him. I felt appreciated.Then he'd show me pics of other people with hardly any clothes on.(???)While on vacation, he hid his screens on his laptop or cellphone. He was constantly texting. He hates texting!!!He waited until I was asleep to go online. I'd wake-up, and he's missing from the hotel suite.Started making excuses that he had things he needed to do, or made plans that didn't include me. He'd snap at me, or dismissed my advice. He could tell me stories about things he has done in his life, and would cut me off when I wanted to share mine. I never met his mother or two daughters. Only his son. This was after dating 10 months!He always dismissed or ignored my opinions; and I have a higher level of education than he does. He was always right. I always swallowed my anger. I don't like fighting over petty things; so he won by default. Financially, he is comfortable. He was highly offended that I didn't take some financial advice he once offered me. I am glad as hell that I didn't listen. It was wrong!I have no problem being left out, I have a lot of friends and a good social life. I didn't need to be with him all the time; but he always made "our" plans according to "his" schedule. He had weird hours; so I had to plan around them. So he could fit me in.I got tired of that. I don't like being lead around, I like to take charge now and then. So I tried to talk about it. He isn't one for that. So finally he decided to end it, because he doesn't like being criticized; or told when he does something wrong. It's his way or the highway.I should have picked that up when I noticed how cold he is to his ex-wife. The only way she could get his attention was to say or do something mean. He would avoid family events, if she was going to be there. I only knew one side of the story, and she was always the villainess. The bitch.She just wanted to be acknowledged as a person. He froze her out like she was dead. Not the mother of his 3 kids.That bothered me like watching a bloody horror film. I come from a close-knit family, no divorces. So that stuff chills my blood. His eyes filled with hatred when he spoke of her.He has to keep his Facebook page family-oriented; because of his children; so he can't show off to bother me. I deleted him the day of the breakup. That's what you have to do in order to get on with your life. NO CONTACT!!! You and I are people who know how to commit, and we offer something to a relationship. We don't fear taking the risk. However; that makes us vulnerable to these type of people. They know how to attract and lure us into their traps. They know how to feed us what we need, to get what they need. The only problem is, they never have any intention of keeping anything on a long-term basis. They don't like being with people like themselves; because they don't get the same thing that you and I can offer them. Commitment, loyalty, and emotional security. They get unconditional love; without having to reciprocate.My dear, you have to just appreciate it as a life-lesson.There is a positive side. You and I had wonderful times with these fellows. The ending sucked, but hey...you take the good with the bad. Such is life. He just closed one chapter in your life. You'll live on to write a whole new book! As books go, you have to have a few thrills to keep it interesting. You get to add a happy ending. It may take a few chapters to get there. It's your life, so you're the author.You are responsible for your own happiness. No one else. That's one of the great things about life. We each have separate identities and personalities. Our goal is to find someone compatible, and capable of compromising. There should be a mutual enrichment of our lives together. We learn to survive adversity together.Yet maintain who we are as separate individuals. We can survive on our own, when we have to. We are whole regardless of having a partner, or not.It's been two months since we broke up; and I've heard from him twice. I refuse to contact him, he is fishing around to see if he can get an emotional rise out of me. I refuse to give in. HE dumped ME! His supply has run out!!!I help people who are going through emotional hardship. I comfort others. That is my way of giving back. I use my own experiences to be empathetic to others. I use my life-skills to enlighten younger or less experienced people. I also learn from people like you. You remind me of where I've been, and help me to figure out where I'm going.I do have my pride and dignity. I'm moving on. YOU BETTER DO THE SAME. Don't let em see you sweat! "Never let a tear hit the floor, swallow them first!" Grandmother used to say. Wise old Cherokee lady!You think his life is all happy and such?Here's the catch. He thinks he has found what he is looking for.He has some major flaws that he hasn't worked on. He has drinking blackouts, and he has some narcissistic tendencies. He loves to be loved, but he can't really give it in return. He is an empty shell with a fake exterior.He is a predator of sort, searching for his narcissistic supply. He finds it, and feeds on it for his fix. Then he moves on to the next, after he has sucked all the life out of his last victim.He let you go. He let you see the creature that he really is, and that gives you all the fuel you need to move on. It's like beauty and the beast. You know the ugly creature no one else sees.You have feelings and pride. They have both been hurt. You are a wise young woman, and you have dealt with breakups and rejection before. It hurts every-time. It's different each time.However; the time off for a year, made you a little soft. You allowed yourself to trust. That is good, and it is healthy. So don't have any regrets. You are a strong and loving person. You were the victim of someone who is damaged emotionally. It isn't your fault. Don't blame yourself. You weren't weak or stupid. Just human. His problems date back to childhood. They run deep.In time, you will re-energize. You have feelings; so you will grieve and suffer from the pain of loss. You allowed your feelings to attach to him, and the thought he could let go so easily is devastating. No one knows how that feels until you actually go through it. It hurts like hell!!!Give yourself time to heal. Allow yourself to go through the full range of emotions we go through after a breakup.Continue caring for yourself, spending time with friends, and family. Talk about it with a sympathetic friend; but don't obsess over it. Focus on yourself, and his memory will fade. He will pop up in your mind now and then; but that is your survival mechanism kicking in. Reminding you to beware and to protect your heart.You do not want to be friends, and you need no explanations from him. There is no reason to invite him back into our life. You will be obsessed with his memory for awhile. That is just another symptom of a breakup. The mind and heart rumble it out. The heart won the first round. The mind is fighting to get things back under control. Let it win. You need the mental focus to help you initiate the healing process. The heart needs a rest; don't neglect or ignore your heart. Just let her rest.The girl he is with now, will be you in a few months. By that time, you will be getting over him. You will reclaim yourself and find your own happiness. You got out before it was too late. Imagine if you had married this guy? WHOA!!! When she gets screwed over, she'll remember all the pictures they flaunted to the world. He is building her up for an emotional bungee jump. Pity the poor girl. If she only knew what we know! Don't hate her. He's no prize! What you fell for was fake. A facade created to draw you in.Read everything you can about moving on after a breakup, narcissistic behavior, and how to get an ex-boyfriend out of your head. Read it and weep. Then laugh at yourself over some cold drinks with your girlfriends. Don't become a man-hater. Women like that, can't see their own faults. They can't grow, they're stunted by hatred and ignorance. They live lonely and bitter lives. Men aren't dogs or pigs. Sometimes women (and gay men) make bad choices among them. The smart ones learn from your mistakes; and the stupid ones repeat them. They blame the men; but it's their inability to make good choices for themselves. The stupid ones don't know how to improve themselves in order to attract a better type of man. They think they're already perfect, and they'll magically turn any guy into the perfect guy with "love." Let's not forget the saboteurs who find the right guy, and ruin him. Then cry woe is me! Men suck!Life is a series of tests and hurdles. It prepares us as we pass or fail. We grow as we learn. We are rewarded for making good decisions. We gain by helping others. The more hurdles we cross, the more tests we pass; the more deserving we are of love. Nothing can stop us, but ourselves. We are designed to survive. We fail only if we give up too soon. Just remember that young Missy.YOU DODGED ANOTHER BULLET GIRLFRIEND: AND LIVED TO TALK ABOUT IT! And so, we move on; stronger and wiser in the end.Good luck, my dear!!!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 June 2013):
 Why weren't you "enough" for him? Because he wasn't a perfect human being. Because he has a drinking problem. Because he's more interested in himself than anything else.
I would breathe a huge sigh of relief that you aren't sucked up into his drama and narcissism any more and let it go!
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