A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf of 12 years I caught havin online sex chats in yahoo and msn I was really pissed he thanked his lucky stars that I wasnt there in front of him when I found it he didnt come home for a week, he knew how I feel about cheaters.He also thought I was over re acting I dont know if there was any sexcaming or pics sent back and forth but i wont worry bout that i told him they would have to triple zoom on that thing he has. Well after the smoke cleared and I seen help he never thought it was a problem on his part well like I told him why am I seeing help for a problem u caused, its been a year now and I monitor everything online we have joint email accounts and if he ever does something like that again he knows it would be no good for the bastard to come home. He asked me to marry him I said like F*(k I still need time to make sure i am over this mess he created he has never been on the sites again the sad thing is he still cant give me an answer why he started doing that in the first place???Thanks for letting me vent if anyone could give me an answer why he did maybe I can get over this faster and move on with our relationship to the next level!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): I think what often happens with these online chats is that they start off very innocent. Maybe someone is curious and bored so they decide to just have a look at a site to see what it's all about, thinking it's harmless, and then they end up getting more and more caught up in it. Sometimes it can just start as a friendly chat on MSN about non-sex things which then gradually escalates into flirting and then more explicit territory - happening so gradually that the person doing it barely notices that it's getting out of hand. Because it started as an innocent thing it doesn't feel that wrong to them. It's only when someone else comes along and points it out to them that they might see the sex chat for what it really is. A stranger paying you attention, being flattering and wanting to have sex with you can also be a great ego boost even if you have no desire to follow it through. He probably loved the ego boost so he responded to keep that good feeling going.This is not to excuse your b/f - just to explain why it might have happened and why he feels he didn't do anything wrong.Whether it counts as "cheating" or not is not really the point. Neither is the fact he feels it was acceptable behaviour. The point is that he did something that hurt you, and if he cares about you he will feel sorry that you were hurt, and won't want to hurt you again. If he's acting like you're the bad guy, you have a problem.Havng said that, the online monitoring is excessive. If you think deep down the only reason he's not doing it again is because you are monitorng his every move - if you feel you have to do that, then you don't trust him, and you never will. Do you want him to stay faithful purely out of fear of being caught cheating, or do you want someone who'll stay faithful becaus ethey love and respect you?Maybe you need to have a hard think about whether this relationship is actually good for you both.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 September 2012):
 he did it because he could.
he did it because he truly did not see the harm in it
he did it because he did.
there may never be an answer you like.
I DOUBT strongly that he did it because you were not enough.
what answer do you NEED to hear to help you process this... because you said you asked him and he does not have an answer.
do you want him to tell you, your sex life was bad and that's why he did it?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (7 September 2012):
 I don't know if you had discussed with him that online sex chat is the same thing as cheating. He didn't answer you because any answer would make him sound like an idiot. The most obvious reason is that he was horny and thought you would never find out. It was never because you are not attractive enough, otherwise he wouldn't have stayed 12 years. You do have to give credit for the 12 years the both of you put into this relationship. At the same time 12 years and no marriage makes one think are there enough problems already and will you ever get pass the next level, or are you with each other just because you can't let each other go. Though I think the online monitoring is obsessive I believe a more effective thing to do is to build connection and attraction with each other. Find reasons to be happy rather than avoid things that make you unhappy.
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