A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know there is this general perception that guys don't like talking on the phone (or generally in fact), but why do so many of them think texting as the sole method of communication is acceptable? I'd like a relationship with a man who wants to speak on the phone now and again (particularly as I live in a rural area with little mobile reception), but they seem so few and far between. I went out with one guy for 2 1/2 years who I thought was lovely who thought it was acceptable to dump me by text with no explanation and for me never to hear from him again. I am shocked that someone who myself, my family and my friends thought was amazing could do something like this. I feel he should have done this face to face. The thing is this is by no means unique. It has taken me a long time to consider dating again, but all the men are the same. If you're lucky you might get a text now and again. The first guy I dated was a nice guy, only for him to text me saying he wasn't interested. The second guy decided his way of telling me he didn't want to pursue anything was not to answer my call (whilst I was getting ready to meet him I might add!) and when I left a message asking him to call me about our date he sent me a text saying he didn't think things were working. The third guy I dated was, again, a nice guy, who arranged another date with me. Again, I thought it was weird he hadn't contacted me to finalise the date, and yet again I received a text saying he didn't think things were working out???? It just seems extremely bad form to me and for me it is totally unacceptable. I think that someone who dumps someone by text is a coward and a total jerk. If you don't want to see someone (particularly one you've been out with for several years) the very least you can do is give them the courtesy of a phone-call - or am I just very old fashioned?!? The problem is that my views on men are becoming very anti because of these experiences and the fact that they keep on blowing hot and cold all the time.
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male
reader, Illithid  +, writes (19 December 2010):
 I absolutely never would break up via text, but I wouldn't break up over the phone either. I'm the sort of person that thinks if a person's been your significant other for months or years, they're worth at least facing when you break up. But I STILL text more than I phone. I can text while out with friends without totally interrupting a conversation. I can text while doing other things. I can carry on long conversations throughout a day via texts without awkward pauses (because we both know there will be pauses of one sort or another, no stress). But if we're on the phone, that basically stops whatever else I'm doing and simply cannot be done in some polite settings.
I LOVE being on the phone with a sweetheart at night, talking for a while, sometimes even being quiet and just listening to one another muttering softly or breathing or whatnot... but if I'm busy, or in a hurry, or trying to multitask, or around other people and don't wish to be terribly rude, texting is easier and far more efficient.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (19 December 2010):
 Not sure how you would go about seeing if this is true for the guys you're seeing, but a lot of guys will act in ways they don't want to because they've found it's more effective. For instance, I hate text messages, and would prefer to call for real, but I've found that women flake far more often when you call than when you text. So I text, and never call, and girls are more reliable as a result.
Similarly, if the girl takes a long time to respond, then I respond immediately, I will likely never hear from her again. If I take an equally long time to respond, I tend to hear back. Calling to finalize dates, or to say "Thanks but I'm not interested," both seem like common courtesy to me, but again, I've found better results "in the field" by refusing to take these steps.
If the guys you're seeing have dated anyone before, you're going to have to deal with the results of their former dates' actions - because the guys think, "All women are the same." It's a completely understandable attitude, same as yours.
What you should do is put up with it while you demonstrate that you are different, politely. Tell the guys you prefer voice calls, then respond *very* positively when they make a voice call, no matter what your mood is or how inconvenient the time they called happens to be. Give it time.
That, or you just had a streak of guys who weren't that into you. It happens.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): Isn't technology great? Sounds like you've had some pretty dreadful experiences, but you're not alone. There've been a few similar stories here.
And it's not just men who hide behind text/email. My girlfriend of ~18months dumped me in exactly the same was your boyfriend (by text with no explanation). If I hadn't eventually cracked and contacted her, I suspect I would never heard from her again either...
It is bad form to use text to end any form of romantic situation. Although if you've only been on a couple of dates, it's more understandable - but still cowardly. To end a long-term relationship by text/email is totally unacceptable though. It's as if your love, trust, respect and feelings meant absolutely nothing to them.
Breaking up with someone IS a hard and horrible thing to do, especially if you know that they will be heartbroken and devastated. For some 'dumpers', the desire to avoid their own feelings of guilt and sadness outweighs the feelings they have for the other person. Plus, because they never have to face the consequences, they can delude themselevs into believing that the 'dumpee' isn't that broken-hearted after all...
But remember that not all men are such cowards (neither are all women).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): I am the poster of the question. I absolutely agree that women do it just as much as men, but I am talking about it from my perspective of dating men.
To Cerberus:- in my experience all the men I have dated have all been the same. I think we'll have to agree to disagree. A phone-call from someone you've dated a few times would suit me fine, but a text after you have met them for more than one date does seem cowardly to me. If you've never met then a text would seem fair enough.
I have had one ex, but only one, who did have the decency to tell me to my face. He was a total asshole while doing it, but I respected him for having the guts to do and the fact that he was a total asshole while doing it made it far easier for me to get over him. It's the ones who text you and leaving you wondering what the hell is going on that bother me most. I am still hung up on my latest ex, because he sent me a text that I didn't realise was a breaking up text at the time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): I think it works both ways, girls as well as men. In my day it was just phone calls, no texting (that dates me!), but it was more or less the same. Boys just didn't phone, or just did not turn up. The thing is' it's hard to say 'sorry you're not for me' even if you quite like the person but just don't want it to go any further. It's easier to just do it the way you find most convienient. Cowardly? Yes. But that's the way it is sometimes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): "but all the men are the same" oh yeah of course we are. We all think and act the exact same way all the time and all look the same too.
Your ex was an asshole, but you can't label every guy the same as him.
The other guys, well some of them were jerks and the ones who text you to say they weren't interested, well that's kid of normal depending on how well you know them and how many dates you went on with them.
I've been texted 'sorry but I'm not interested in seeing you again' a few times after one or two dates and it's fine, what's the point in them phoning me? It only creates hassle. The person would only be upset on the other end or ask for an explanation. I've had some messy phone calls like that, they become insistent that you tell them why or start crying thinking they're worthless and stuff, sometimes you just don't want to, without any specific reason, you're simply just not interested in seeing them again.
I don't mind it because I don't need to know why because to me the answer is always the same, they're just not interested. I don't need them to tell me what specific things nor do I need them phone or meet up just because it's traditional, or customary to do so.
They can send me a carrier pigeon for all I care as long as I get the message.
You just have to keep going, there are lots of guys that are perfectly willing to do the crappy "we need to talk" thing. I mean you know that's a break up but they insist on meeting face to face to do it. So instead of making it a simple "I'm not interested, -reason why-" text they make you wait until you meet face to face to spend a few minutes telling you a load of crap they could have just text in the first place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): My LDR boyfriend split up with me yesterday - all be it - amicably, BY TEXT. My last one before that broke up with me on e-mail. During my LDR, we made a point of talking on the phone quite regularly, although he admitted he wasn't great on the phone but we still talked (or rather I ended up doing most of the talking). I can't understand why he said the things he did, it gives no real closure when someone finishes things over a text. It is an easy way out, and no amount of 'sorry, its not you it's me' doesn't make any difference, because it must have been me - I mean derrr....how thick do men think we are? It makes you feel unworthy and disrespected...it is gutless to do such a thing. I think men generally find it hard to confront their feelings, you can sit and speculate why he just didn't pick up the phone. Perhaps men are afraid of losing their nerve, changing their mind (God forbid!) or just feels this is the least painful way around things (men - it's not!!) It is so much better to talk things through - even better face to face. This way some things may be salvaged and a good thing not thrown away.
I am not sure whether I will hear from my ex now, he said it wasn't my fault and that it was his problem, that he was confused and needs a break (well, naturally I took this to mean he is finished). Now, if he had just picked up the phone I would have been happy to hear this in person, and if he really has a good reason for finishing it he should be able to explain it no problems. Truth is, I don't believe he had any real reason to end it - I mean a person either wants to be with you or not! People seem to give up so easily these days, could be down to laziness, complacency, seems some just want minimum effort - maximum output. It is all guess work, we will never know what goes through their minds whilst they send that 'I am finished with you' text.
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