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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Me and my boyfriend were in a LDR and until last week things were going great (well, there were a few niggly things - but nothing major). We were looking forward to spending some much needed time together at Christmas. Last weekend I was a bit down and took it out on him, however after a conversation the next night I phoned again and apologised for being down etc. I asked if we were alright and he replied (via text) that he doesn't know and needs to think stuff through. So I said we would talk about it the following evening.That evening comes and I text to mention that I am free all evening to talk, but he said he was out and didn't know what time he would be back. Still nothing later, eventually we do chat and kind of sort things out. Later in the week we are on the phone again in the evening and he does not sound ok. I text after to ask if he is ok, but get no response, so I call him and it goes to voicemail. Basically I left a bit of an ultimatum and said that if he doesn't contact me in the next day it is over (I had been drinking). But I did end up texting too saying a few hurtful things but also mentioning it is up to him now, I want it to work but it is up to him. 2 days later I get a text to say that he is confused and needs a break, that it is not fair on me to carry on, that it is not my fault but his problem. I responded to this very well and said that its ok, and sorry for hurting him too, it was all amicable, no bad feelings between us.I am heartbroken, and feel misunderstood and if we were closer I wondered if this would have ever happened, and how we got to this. He is the first person I met with whom I have been in love with and I was making plans to move to be near him eventually. I was willing to work things through, but frustrated too as he wasn't being open very much. I feel hurt and confused myself. My question(s) is love not always enough (I knew he was in love with me)? Do you think he still needs time to think, is this really over? I can't completely accept that it is. But he has changed his status to single on facebook now, however I cannot live in hope that we will get back. I just don't understand. I really thought he felt the same as me and that he didn't want to lose me. Surely he can not switch his feelings off?? Perhaps he may have been getting cold feet (he did think this) or he just seen a side of me he thought he couldn't deal with. I am sorry for the post being so long. Things keep going round in my head and I just need to let off steam!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI doubt it. I been to see him afew times in his town, met a few of his friends etc. So if he was seeing someone it wasn't someone local. Perhaps he has his eye on someone now with whom he wants to persue something with?! But knowing him, I really don't think so. Anyway, given that I have had a few days to now get over the worst of the pain, I can see clearer. He just wasn't for me and vice versa. Think we were both in love with the whole idea of eventually being together etc, but the reality is different. The reality was that we did have our differences, the reality was that the distance was causing problems re; misunderstanding each other. The reality was we weren't happy, really. Sometimes we are fools for love eh??!
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male
reader, rolfen  +, writes (21 December 2010):
 Could he be seeing someone else?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): I am the OP - This was the first time that I had said such things to him. No, I gave him space, never came across as needy etc. I think the distance was an issue though, it was hard for both of us.
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male
reader, rolfen +, writes (19 December 2010):
He might not be willing to let go of the things you said to him, especially if it's not the first time. Regarding feelings, hurtful words destroy feelings and rob the motivation to make it work. You did not mention exactly what you said to him so I don't really know if that's it, but from the timing of the whole thing might very well be that. Best thing you can do is stop thinking about him and work on yourself a bit and ask yourself why you do these things you do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): Were you being a bit emotionally demanding and needy? Were you trying to move things on too quickly? You did give him an ultimatum (not a good idea)and then vented your feelings. You say there were a few 'niggly' issues before this blew up. You shouldn't have to work at things, ideally it should work naturally and easily in the early stages of a relationship, if you have to work on things maybe it isn't to be. If you want a final answer and don't mind rejection - you could just ask him. But he's changed his FB status to single so, sadly, I think you have your answer. Knowing why he wanted to end it will not give you closure.
You ask is love enough? It's a big part of it - but you have to blend happily as a couple and sometimes you can love someone but as a couple it just doesn't work out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am the poster. We made a point of seeing each other as much as possible. but I know after this I will never do a LDR ever again. I am surprised he didn't know better as he has been in a couple of LDR before whereas I never have been so you think he might have known better. Plus, it was (or so I thought) going somewhere - I was prepared to move to be near him. Anyway, I take your point, some LDR's work, but it is rare and I guess two very secure and strong people to survive it. Also, it may not have worked out being near him and seeing him more - who knows?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): "Surely he can not switch his feelings off?"
He didn't they've been fading for a long time.
All that happened is the usual LDR thing. Seriously they never work they always end in some kind of variation but the underlying issue is always the same. You can't build a relationship without any physical intimacy, you can't.
http://www.dearcupid.org/search type in "ldr" and you'll see what I mean, it's always the same. Communication through text, skype, phonecalls etc is just not the same face to face, you don't get to have pillow talk or any kind of intimacy at all.
It's not about love not being enough but love can't survive without physical intimacy, love can't survive when you're surrounded by people of the opposite sex, surrounded by couples holding each other and being close and you don't have that.
You saw first hand the kind of crazy tension, paranoia and frustration that it can have, and you know from your recent heated contact that you can't stop that happening.
Take this a lesson learned, don't do LDR's, don't do FWB's, don't ever try and build a relationship with a person you can't spend time with in person or can't be with in the long run.
You want to know whether love is enough, the answer is always no. The best relationships are viable in a practical sense too, love on its own is not the basis for a healthy relationship at all. Relationships are partnerships in all other senses too, if you're missing even one of those ingredients then love can't compensate for that.
For example two people could be in love, but they're just not compatible so while they both love each other that love will never overcome that incompatibility because it can't. Now a person that lives too far away is incompatible because of distance.
You'll be fine, just realize that's what happened.
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