A
female
age
41-50,
*NEED ANSWERSPLEASE
writes:hello I am in need of some help please. I have been in volved with a man for 6 yrs. We met and clicked very well! He is 43 and I am 33. He has NEVER been married nor has children. He has only lived with one woman for 2 yrs. He owns his own house and has a very stable job. He has hit classic car and regural truck.I have been married and have 2 children. i work and have a very good career. Now in the 6 yrs we went back and forth. He was with other people and so was I, no questions really asked. We NEVER had a SOLID commitment. I have always been in love with him. There we some times he had pushed me away for 6 months to 8 months or so at a time. He always said it was b/c he DIDN'T want to play with my heart. We have been around each others family. Due to work situations we could not really spent a great deal of time together in the last 6 years. There were times we only saw each other 1 or 2 times a month. maybe 3 if lucky. well minus the (almost 2 years he pushed me away)! He has only been around my children maybe 10 - 15 times in 6 year BUT NEVER an over night with them at my house or his not even a camping trip.Well in the last MONTH or so we have reconnected and he has told me he loves me and always has and he wants to be with me indeffinately for good now! I asked what about the kids, he says that he will deal with them and that kids grow up some day. I asked what if they act up and he gets frustrated, he said he will leave the house for a bit and then come back after he cools down! He said he has always been selfish and scared of a commitment - as he didn't have a great relationship with his mom who has recently passed! He says if down the road he has a hard time with this situation he will get help to make it work and that he wants to make it work! WHAT ARE/IS YOUR THOUGHTS, your knowledge/expertise and advice? Will this ever work on a PERMANET BASSIS?This is the last shot he is getting and he KNOWS that!Thank You Reply to this Question
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female
reader, INEED ANSWERSPLEASE +, writes (17 June 2008):
INEED ANSWERSPLEASE is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you SOO much for ALL that have taken the time to answer. I have been really having a struggle with this. All of you are really wonderful people!!! I did try to rate you ALL. I am NOT too sure if it worked!
If anyone else would like to add their thoughts, please feel free. Thank You all again VERY MUCH!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): I didn't have to read the last paragraph to know already he had a troubled relationship with his mom and was afraid of commitment. Only another unstable person could tolerate this unstable relationship for so long (Got it?).
He is promissed something he has never done in his life so I wouldn't be so thrilled about it. I believe in rehabilitation but in the meantime someone's feelings could get hurt.
I believe he won't be able to handle the pressure and there would be lots of ups and downs in your relationship. On one hand you deserve better and have waited long enough for him but on the other hand he needs support and stability to be able to become stable himself. So you'll have to evaluate if you are willing to undergo this situation or not.
Your children can also suffer and I think it's not fair to them. You are young so they should be young too. And remember adolescence is not easy itself, imagine it with a emotionaly unstable stepfather...
I think if you want to risk it you should ask for more than words. I mean, the only way he would be able to deal with all this emotional mess he has on his mind is on therapy. Make him make a true commitment and stick to it before you trust him again. Make rules form the beginning so he would understand he needs to grow up already.
If you don't do this it means you are a codependent and your children will suffer because you'll be like my mom and you'll give him all the attention and support your children need to this guy and I don't want that to happen to anybody else.
I mean if you are so desperate for him that you are willing to accept him just because of what he said it doesn't speak highly about your self esteem. This man needs to understand if he wants to be in your life he needs to respect you and your children from the beginning and that he needs to follow rules for the first time in his life. Do not continue to nurture his whims.
Read the book "The Emotionally Unavailable Man" by Patti Henry. If you are attracted to this kind of man is because there should be something wrong with you two and this book has a section for men and a section for women. There are also a lot of other books on men who are afraid of commitment and I believe you should also read some of them.
Blessings.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (16 June 2008):
 The answer is, it depends. He sounds like a good person. And willing to face his fears, overcome them, and make it work.
We know there are different personal characteristics people hold. There are some who have "difficulty" taking care of their needs, let along doing so with someone else, or children. It sounds as if, with you, he's willing to face that fear.
What I am worried about, is waiting until later to seek the help. His commitment issues may be an on going issue, unless dealt with prior to becoming a huge one. Selfish, or narcasistic. There's a slight difference. One is a choice not to play with others, the other is inner termoil if in a position where they have to share. I believe it may be the second one, that would explain his excuse for "not playing with your heart". His answer wasn't because of him, it was for your benefit. Why? To eliminate having to take responsability for his decision to back away.
The other part I'm worried about is your children. If he gets angry he'll leave and come back later. By having children in that environment, you'll be teaching them it's okay to avoid responsability. It's normal to repress emotions and not show them or discuss what may be bothering you.
I'm not saying he's a bad person. I can just see some work he would need to do on his sense of self sooner than later in order to improve the likelyhood of it working. Asside from your children, who are your number one priority. You are as well. Playing his little game for six years. Why? For love? You loving him has allowed you to accept less than you deserve. Being a parent and waiting around for a maybe. You deserve better than playing games. Be strong for yourself before you can be strong as a couple. Because if everyone who said "I love you" would work out, the divorce rate wouldn't be 63%. Remember, personal strength equals power. Not of inappropriate control, but it increases your ability for long lasting relationships.
I hope this helps, take care.
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (16 June 2008):
 If he has come to you and said that he does want it to work and he puts everything into it then yes it could, its not like you have pushed him into a corner to try and change him which would result him being unhappy and eventually running away from this relationship.
He has obvioulsy not wanted commitment before and has lived his life his way. It wont be easy for him but it does sound like he is willing to give it a shot. You just have to be patient with him without being a doormat and hopefully this can turn out to be everything you ever wanted with him. Good luck x
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