A
female
age
36-40,
*ren
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend over a year now, and we just had a child together a month ago. He the nicest guy I have ever met and treats me better than anyone I know. He is a very easy to get along with, my friends like him, and my family loves him...but there is one problem.. he has an anger problemWe have gotten into a couple arguments and he hit me.. It only happen THREE times.. the first time he slapped me a couple times...the second, he choked me, and the most recent was the worst I have ever seen him...i love him more than anyone...but im not sure what to do...please help
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female
reader, scrazy  +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Take that child and GET OUT.
He's NOT going to change, no matter what you do; there's nothing you CAN do with men like that.
I understand that you love him, but honey, love doesn't make a man like that stop what he's doing or realize that his love is only hurting you. The first time he did it, you should've gotten up and left without a second thought - as you've probably learned, if he's brave enough to do it once, he'll do it AGAIN and AGAIN.
You do realize that men like that will KILL YOU if they get the chance. Don't let him.
Call your family, your friends or anyone you know who will let you stay with them until you get on your feet. But GET OUT of that house, pack up your things, take your kid and GO. Even if you're not doing it for yourself, do it for your baby, what makes you think that a man like that is only going to hurt you?
Don't let your child be exposed to that kind of person when they grow up.
I hope you take everyone's advice here seriously and that you get out.
xo
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (16 June 2008):
 My dear, read your own post as if it was written by a stranger and give your honest opinion.
He is the sweatest guy who has only slapped you, choked you and .... (you don't even dare to write what happened the 3rd time)
That is NOT sweat. If this is the best you ever been treated then what happens all to often has happened to you, that victims of abuse return to situation where they are abused because that is what they have come to consider normal.
But there is hope, you are starting to realize that he has a problem and that something needs to be done.
You love him and want to hear what you can do to make him stop. Sadly there is nothing you can do but walk away. Battered women often try to find tricks by which they can keep their husbands anger under control, it never works. As long as you are near him he will take his frustration out on you. To save you both you need to get away from him.
Maybe, with time he can deal with his problem ON HIS OWN but as long as you keep going back to him, keep forgiving him, why should he change? He got what he wants.
Hopefully you will come to realize that as a person you deserve better then this. Better then worrying each day when he will loose his temper again and what he will do this time. You love him? Well lets be crude then, nobody ever died of a broken heart, a crushed windpipe on the other hand.
Get out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): Unfortunately it is unlikely that he will change. You have said that on each occasion the violence has got worse which suggests that it will continue to get worse each time that it happens. By accepting his apologies each time it subconsiously allows him to do it another time and then another.
The only way that you could take an effort to address this problem seriously, is if he is willing to seek out professional help.
Please don't let him sear you and your confidence down. You and your child deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Here's a national resource for someone in the US.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you find resources in your area. This nationwide database has detailed information on domestic violence shelters, other emergency shelters, legal support and assistance programs, and social service programs.
Contact information
Call 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233).
Call 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
Visit the Web site at: www.ndvh.org.
Send e-mail to [email address blocked] (e-mail is not confidential or secure).
Do not be alone with him at all, please.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 June 2008):
Thanks, Wizard of Waz, for reminding me of something I should have included in my answer. If our poster would let me know what state she lives in, I can help do some research for which organizations can provide help. She can do this either by posting here or she can send me a personal message by clicking on my picture and sending me a private note. Either way, I should have included this in my original answer.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Take the baby and get out. Move in with a friend or family until you can get on your own feet. DO NOT LET YOUR "BOYFRIEND" BE ALONE WITH THE BABY AT ANYTIME! Luckily you aren't married to the mentally ill loser. If you allow yourself to be maimed or possibly killed that is one thing but you have now a bigger responsibility to your child. Protect your child.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): First and foremost - you have a child so that means the child's safety should come first so get outta there! The first time he hit you should have been the one and only time! Ok it might be hard to do but at the end of the day - what happens if he tries to choke you again or worse kills you? What will happen to the child then? Will he be left to bring it up or how will he do that? Will he take any bad moods out on the child? You are too young to be in a situation like this but at the same time you have youth on your side, to help you start out again somewhere else. I'm sure your parents and friends will understand and help you out! Please get away from this guy!!! Do it now before anything else happens
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 June 2008):
Sounds like he does indeed have a problem with anger. I really don't like the sound of the escalation you reported.
Have a look at this article, and take a good long look at him, without any blinders on.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.html
I would certainly limit contact with him until he seeks some counseling for this issue, and by that I mean I would not be alone with him AT ALL and would talk with him only over the phone if that cannot be arranged, until he has had this counseling and his counselor has told you that you are physically safe with him.
Take care of yourself and your new baby. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Hi,
these posts are so sad because all the women always state what a sweetie their husband is before telling us that he is violent.
You have to leave him now. The fact that the last time was the worst is only a taster of things to come. You have a baby so you are very vulnerable , he knows this and is using it to his benefit. He now thinks he can let out all his anger on you as you are unable to defend yourself.
If you have a strong family tell them what is happening and see if you can stay with a relative for a while.
The sooner you accept that he will not let up on you the sooner you can save yourself and more importantly your child.
Do you want to have your child grow up in an environment of violence, a lot of children you are affected by this become violent themselves in later life. Please think of yourself and your child and leave this monster.
A lot of men like me see violence against women as the most cowardly act there is. Your partner is nothing but a coward who tries to solve his problems by hitting his partner - the sooner you realise he is not a lovely sweet man the easier it will be for you to leave.
The alternative is a life of hiding bruises and an emotional wreck for a child. Surely you must realise this has to end.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (16 June 2008):
 First and far most, you need to get a backbone and stick up for yourself. "He hits you once, HE is the fool, he hits you twice, YOU are the fool". Catch my drift? Ususally, they dont change, but you can. Now you decide for 2 people, yourself, and your baby. Make good choices, because your child is learning from you and your boyfriend. Anger management would be a good 1st step. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tremor +, writes (16 June 2008):
 The man who treats you 'better than anyone you know' has tried to choke you? You must not have met many decent blokes.
There's no 'only three times' when it comes to violence. NO amount of violence is EVER acceptable, and odds are, he won't change. Leave him, for your own sake and for that of your child.
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