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*axsteel86
writes:Just a question about snooping. If you go through your partner's phone/email etc. and it turns out they're cheating on you, why in the world should you feel bad about the snooping? If you never snooped, you'd never have found out. Which is worse? I dont understand all these replies about the partner feeling betrayed because they were snooped on. I mean hello, there's a bigger problem going on isn't there? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007): I think that if you honestly feel, believe...gut instincts are telling you something doesn't jive...you should sit down and write out the WHYS.
Actions vs. words is a very big indicator. With this...you should also list the possibilities or other explanations.
After awhile...a pattern should emerge.
More often than not it is the subtlies that pick at our brain. Or we pick up on certain words or key phrases or absence of words of reassurance or promises.
Usually when someone answers a question by firing back a question is a "sign" someone is being dishonest as they use this tatic as a way to distract or re-direct it back on the other person in hopes a fight ensues where they will be able to put the "mess" and blame on the other person.
Usually when they omit...are very careful with words and how they are used is another way of being dishonest.
If they look away when they answer and again; if this is not how a person normally acts when in conversation...avoidance.
There are many reasons that one would be led to believe they are being lied to.
I agree this in no way justifies snooping. But there is a time and place for such things.
If you suspected a child of yours was abusing drugs...wouldn't it be a choice? Hmmmm.
Either way...the trust is no longer a viable and tangile entity in the relationship and that there is a symptom of bigger issues be it internal and personal or external.
The partner more than likely feels upset and mad at being caught...there is a huge difference in being honest and finding out you were snooped on and being sly and being snooped on.
The offense is that the partner feels worse for lying and cheating and being caught where it is clear they did not wish to be and preferred to continue cheating, lying, concealing, omitting...all forms of dishonesty. How could they be happy and how could they not know that TRUTH is a power that ALWAYS wants to be made known?
I would have just hired a detective. For some reason; even in most courts...this is a reasonable and legal means of "fact finding".
You both have done wrongs to one another. No one wins.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2007): You can't cancel out the smaller problem with the bigger problem. They're two different things. Let's put it into perspective. If someone was dishonorable towards you, does that mean it's acceptable for you to be dishonorable towards that person as well? I don't know about you Max, but for me, I wouldn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2007): just to add my ex cheated, i snooped and he still didn't tell the truth i had to find out myself (not advisable) anyway he is now with some1 else and he still cheats the g/f knows the history she has even been told on many occations that he still cheats (with me) his answer no one owns him he can do what he wants we are all adults bla bla my answer thank god i don't live with him no more as i know exactley what he's like not a very good veiw of men i know but better the devel you know!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2007): u would only feel the need to snoop if there is a niggle in your brain/heart telling u there is something wrong and 9/10 times your right i feel no guilt about snooping into my partners things and in the end all my pieces of the puzzle fitted together and he had to tell me the truth i was cheated on aftergiving 14 years 2 children and pregnant at the time with an old troll may i add..dont feel guilt they always try and pass the blame so its your fault in some way...........
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reader, DeeDoc  +, writes (14 January 2007):
 THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS: I am so glad that you asked this question Maxsteel86. I have very strong feelings regarding this matter. If you are in a relationship, which is suppose to be based on trust, you should have nothing to hide. Therefore, snooping should not even be in the equation. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why someone would even try to justify THE RIGHTS OF A CHEATER. Oh, heavens NO. The fact of the matter is, they got caught and tend to lash out with obsurb notion that their trust has been violated! What is wrong with this picture? It is just another weird way of the cheater feeling less guilty (if you will) by focusing the attention away from their 'error' to the apparent 'snooper'. This is totally unacceptable.
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reader, eddie  +, writes (14 January 2007):
 The anonymous post is wrong. You're saying cheating is worse than snooping? You're obviously young or unattached!
Here's a scenario I've used before.....You neighbour gets murdered,stabbed to death. Your husband had been arguing with him the day before. You look in your husbands briefcase and find a bag full of bloody clothes, a big bloody knife and your neighbours wallet. Is he innocent because you snooped in his briefcase?
You say, "even if the are cheating on you it's up to them to tell you that, not for you to turn detective and find out for yourself" May I ask what planet you're from? That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!!!!
Sometimes when we are in a relationship we sense eachother. We know eachother. If your partner has a cell phone, and you're a couple, you operate on the premise that your partner should not have anything to hide on that phone. I would expect that if I checked my wifes phone there would be no strange calls to men at all hours of the night. AND if there were, I'd have a right to know why. She is my partner!! That is part of the deal. I might not have the right to "forbid" her from calling but I would have the right to object, based on the fact we have a relationship.
Yes we all need someplace that is ours, for our thoughts. This is true. We ned a place to reflect and retreat when we need peace. We don't need and are not allowed to have, when in a relationship, a place to file all your bad deeds and contact numbers for sexual flings and evil doings. If you feel the need to have that "personal" space, don't be in a relationship. Relationships are not personal, they're mutual!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2007): I was being cheated on - I was made to feel "different" (can't really explain what I mean about different) and I thought I was going insane.
I snooped because I thought I would rather know the truth than feel I was cracking up.
If a person is being cheated on, and is feeling they are "ill" then that person has every right to make themselves feel better - even if it does feel worst once you know the truth. At least then you have choices.
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reader, eddie +, writes (14 January 2007):
Three cheers for Irish49 !! Great answer. My anology is this.....the husband is at work....comes home early and finds his wife in bed with a strange man...she yells....You're supposed to be at work !!!!!
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reader, gabby +, writes (14 January 2007):
you should not feel bad beacuse i mean if you had to snoop on him he obviously did something to make you wonder what was goin on so he deserved to be caught and if he feels violated by you goin throught his stuff then that is his problem not yours
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2007): I totally agree with you on this one. When one is cheating on the other, his/her uncaring actions, has permeated and invaded the security and safety of the relationship. Understandably, the 'cheated on person' picks up on the signs and seeks out the truth. So in effect, the cheater and his cheating has broken down the relationship, because he/she committed an act of betrayal, l ong before the snooping occurred. So from my standpoint, snooping does not damage the relationship. All it is to me, is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve deception and suspicion, on the part of the person who suspects they are being cheated on. Usually the person having the affair does not see or will not admit to the involvement of his/her sneaky, low down behavior. So once a 'snoop' has ocurred and they get caught, they make lame attempts to turn the tables and turn it on the person they are cheating on. In other words, they cry foul and say "how dare you snoop and find out I am cheating on you!! How could you do this to me?" Arghhh. Doesn't make sense does it? lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2007): It's definitely worse to snoop! The person you're snooping on could be totally innocent and you have no right to invade their privacy. Even if they are cheating on you it's up to them to tell you that, not for you to turn detective and find out for yourself. We all need somewhere that is just ours for our thoughts and it's noone elses business to read it, whether it affects them or not.
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