A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my gf broke up over an argument. First time in 5 years. It was due to her always complaining about money issues. She was not working enough and kept using credit cards which one day I snapped and told her to fix her problems. We both stopped talking. Now she has decided to fill her days with work. We still speak daily, we have strong feelings for each other but I don’t understand why she is being like this. If she has some day off she says she is busy with cleaning. Everytime I say she has moved on she will call me to say she cannot forget about me that easily. If I mention another girl she gets upset. She does not even share any pictures or engage in much conversation. Sometimes I do believe she is working a lot, and she is loyal person but why is she so withdrawn. For example she does not ask me about anything. But if she didn’t care she would let me see who I want. I don’t know what to think or do anymore. Nothing I can say or do changes her mind as she says she is working. It’s been 3 months at least. I’m struggling because I did not do anything wrong but only ask her to fix her money problems. I don’t think she is speaking to other men, although she does have older friends (male, married) who she always texts. But there is nothing going on. He is 47 she is 24. Could she be emotionally cheating? But he has a wife so it cannot be. Something doesn’t feel right, I don’t understand why she doesn’t want to see me. Why not tell me to go and move on than?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2021): I don't claim to know exactly what her behaviour is about.
When facing such treatment that seems designed to drive you crazy up the wall I've often found it useful to wonder:
"Does she really need any reason at all for why she is behaving the way she is? Differences from how she used to before be damned."
Remember Ellsworth Toohey, from Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead?
He famously responded to Peter Keating asking him
'Why did you drop me?'
with something along the lines of 'you might want to consider, was there any reason at all that you should have been up in the first place'.
In those 3 months, have you met her at all, and spoken to her in person?
Have you tried setting whatever financial problems of hers, and nagging questions about her behaviour/treatment of you aside for a moment and go over to her?
That visit would not be about who needs to apologize to whom, who did what wrong, having passionate make-up sex, kissing, touching and what not...
but rather really just about seeing her and how she's doing?
Maybe, just maybe, she's not talking much on messaging or phone, nor keen to meet up, because she would like to know that you believe in her
despite the flaws (that she's hopefully genuinely working on).
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2021): I don't claim to know exactly what her behaviour is about.
When facing such treatment that seems designed to drive you crazy up the wall I've often found it useful to wonder:
"Does she really need any reason at all for why she is behaving the way she is? Differences from how she used to before be damned."
Remember Ellsworth Toohey, from Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead?
He famously responded to Peter Keating asking him
'Why did you drop me?'
with something along the lines of 'you might want to consider, was there any reason at all that you should have been up in the first place'.
In those 3 months, have you met her at all, and spoken to her in person?
Have you tried setting whatever financial problems of hers, and nagging questions about her behaviour/treatment of you aside for a moment and go over to her?
That visit would not be about who needs to apologize to whom, who did what wrong, having passionate make-up sex, kissing, touching and what not... but rather really just about seeing her and how she's doing?
Maybe, just maybe, she's not talking much on messaging or phone, nor keen to meet up, because she would like to know that you believe in her despite the flaws (that she's hopefully genuinely working on).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2021): Don't let your guilt start creating worse-case scenarios or suspicions in your mind. Stick to the facts. You snapped at her, and she's simply pouting. Either she's not used to you going-off, or you've done it one too many times? Maybe you exploded and scared her! Only you know which it is! You went from being her sounding-board, to a club over the head! That's a bit radical! Ya-think?!!
Just so you'll know...an insincere-apology, or prideful-refusal to accept any fault; will delay or postpone any forgiveness. You don't apologize for the truth, you apologize when you deliberately use it to hurt people.
Forgiveness comes when the person we've offended is good and ready, after they've healed. Not at our convenience, or under pressure. Hurt-feelings sometimes take time to subside; and sometimes they won't for years, for some people. Some people aren't the forgiving-type; and hold grudges no matter how hard we try to make it up to them. See that as a deal-breaker. Unforgiving-people aren't worth our time, or the trouble. Unless you have anger-issues; or you've hurt her many times, and you know it!!! We can't overthink, or overanalyze; nor under-estimate the situation, because history speaks for itself. How was it up to now?
You've blatantly pointed-out one of her human-flaws. Naturally, she was humiliated, and felt put-down. The truth behind the words hurt. But to have it thrust into your face, when you already know your problem or mistakes; also crushes the ego, and levels your pride. You know how that feels. She confided her money-problems to you, out of trust. Maybe she's expecting help instead of a scolding! She's been hinting at it, but you have never taken the bait!
She is now forcing you to stew in your guilt for hurting her feelings; and causing her deep humiliation. When she feels you've felt enough pain for the pain you've inflicted; then you may receive a reprieve, or some measure of forgiveness. Some people need vengeance. They have to make you grovel, bow, and scrape; before they'll let-up. I guess she wants to see you grovel. Are we there yet? Ready to pull-out your checkbook or bankcard? That might expedite her forgiveness! That's purely conjecture, I can't read her mind.
She may still love you, but she doesn't like you right-now. It's been three months; and she might be pressing her luck. You told her the truth; but delivered it with an arrow. She got the point!
If the truth hurts that badly; you might be seeing a side of her that indicates immaturity and stubbornness. If a person is bad with their money; but they're always complaining about being broke. Sooner or later; somebody has to tell them to fix-it, or stop complaining! I think you could have chosen a more diplomatic delivery. Then again, it might have been exactly what she has needed! However, the point is to rectify the problem; not to bash the person for their weakness or mistakes. She has feelings and pride, same as you do.
She's still sensitive about the remark and your harsh delivery; and at least she's doing something about it. If she's seeing other men, then your relationship-problems run deeper than that one incident. You may have other issues that you've overlooked; or may have just pushed aside, and have failed to address them. Maybe to keep the peace, or to avoid uncomfortable subjects. She might have more caught in her gizzard; than being told to fix her financial-situation. Have you discussed your future lately?
If she continues with the pouting; you don't have to put-up with it indefinitely. She'll have to get-over it; or you may as well get-over her. There will be times when either of you will lose your temper, and you may snap. That's normal and human. Aggression and bullying is not!!!
I suspect that you may have cleaned-up what was said for the sake of sharing it with us; and to avoid too much judgment or criticism. You should consider if your relationship may have more problems than you're aware of? Maybe you need to ask her to sit-down and have a heart-to-heart talk. There may be some underlying-issues and problems that need to be addressed. More on the relationship-side, not just economics. Her bills are her business. She can gripe and complain if she likes, you're her boyfriend. Whom does she vent to? It's personal stuff, you are privileged to be so trusted. It doesn't follow that you have to pay her bills. You're not her husband. Even then, what she wracks-up in debt is hers to contend with! Your generosity is strictly voluntary. You're not compelled to pay your girlfriend's credit-card debts. It would be presumptuous on her part to expect you to.
Here's a little homespun-advice. Long-term relationships need to show some growth and evolve through stages. Keeping a relationship in-place year after year, and no sign of a marriage-proposal in the near future; will turn the slightest disagreement into a battle. A poop, or get-off-the-pot situation!
She's probably weighing her pros and cons. If she sees no walk down the isle in the near future, why put-up with you? If she's frustrated with you for other reasons, this has culminated into the present situation you are facing.
FYI! Most ladies would rather be your wife than your perpetual-girlfriend! They want a solid-commitment, maybe a family, a house, and a loving-marriage. Maybe that's really part of this. It's what you're supposed to figure-out without being told.
Don't marry anyone in heavy debt. Let them get their finances in order; before you spring for the ring. Know they love you, and aren't seeking financial-assistance. Just a little side advice. Whatever debt you stack-up should remain yours and only yours; until it is paid-in-full! Marriage is not your way out of debt. That too is some free side-advice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2021): Because I got fed up of helping her financially. Now she has finally learnt. So why not work and stay with me? There’s signs of me everywhere in her room but I’m getting frustrated with how little she speaks. If I mention something she will tell me I’m wrong but than go silent? I ask 3 questions and she answers one. So than I leave her alone and she will suck me in by asking me how I am. I reply and I’m forever waiting again. But just when I go quiet she’s back.
Driving me insane. I’m not experienced with breakups. Plus I have immense strong feelings. If she told me to move on, I would listen because I care. But I don’t want to give up otherwise. She has made it clear if I met another girl she hopes it never works. But I am not like this with her. At least this shows she cares?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 October 2021):
 Whether you snapped at her or you told her in a more polite version, doesn't matter. To be honest we ALL have a limit to how much complaining we are willing to listen to. If her going on and on about the debt but doing nothing, I don't blame you for snapping. Was it the best option? Obviously, no. Maybe all these times she has complained she was hoping you would "swoop in" and pay off her debt?
The thing is, SHE is wanting to see you. But she wants to still be able to say she has a BF, she wants you to NOT move on and she isn't ready to move on either.
I absolutely agree with Kenny, you need to ask her point-blank what is going on here and that you would like to talk about it, to figure out if it's truly over - and IF it is, you NEED to cut the contact and block/delete so YOU can move on.
You two are a couple of adults. You need to handle this like an adult. regardless of whether you snapped at her or not - you two need to talk, figure out how to move forward either together or separate for good.
Her pulling an "almost" silent treatment of you - as it, she will text you but not see or talk to you - is so manipulative. If your outburst scared her, she needs to tell you or end it. Not string you along while she "figures out" what is next.
It's not rocket science.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 October 2021):
 I notice that you first write "I snapped and told her to fix her problems", then later mellow it down to "I did not do anything wrong but only ask her to fix her money problems". There is a huge difference between snapping at someone and asking them to do something.
Perhaps your ex is hurting from how you spoke to her? Perhaps she doesn't like the insight into this other side of your personality which she may not have seen before? Perhaps that brief insight frightened her? Perhaps, now that she is working and in control of her finances (and, by extrapolation, her life), she no longer wants someone snapping at her and telling her what to do? Perhaps it is as simple as she no longer wants you but doesn't want anyone else to have you either?
The thing is, you are not helpless in this situation. You have as much say as she does. If you are not happy with the situation, then decide what you want to do about it. It looks unlikely that it will fix itself (at least in the short term) so decide how long you are prepared to sit around waiting for your ex to decide whether she wants to resume your relationship. You are still in contact so, regardless of whether she agrees to meet up with you, ask her whether she sees a future for the two of you together. If she is not sure, then give her a set amount of time to decide, following which you need to draw a line under the ashes of your relationship and move on. You cannot wait for her for ever. Only you can decide how long you are prepared to put your life on hold for her.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (12 October 2021):
 Its hard to say if she still likes you or not. I'm sure she does as you did have quite a long relationship together.
Most arguments if its not playing away normally boil down to something of a financial nature.
Maybe she is still trying to fix her dept and pay off her credit cards and get herself on a more even keel before she rekindles anything of a romantic nature.
When you talk to her maybe she is cleaning, maybe she is working. If she thought it was over and wanted no more contact with you i think she would just block you or change her number.
I think that you are going to have to take the bull by the horns and just ask her if she want's to meet up, go for a drink and a chat somewhere. I feel if you don't you are going to be forever wondering whats going on and where you stand.
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